


Catharsis

by BoltedBee



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M, Married Life, Medication, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Overdosing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Secrets, Sticky Sexual Interfacing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 18:09:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 71,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7278454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoltedBee/pseuds/BoltedBee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cybertron may be at peace, but the horrors of war will always linger with those who fought for it. The ways they choose to deal with them, however, is a different matter altogether.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Starscream woke with a start, his vents gasping for air. The seeker stood from his berth immediately after and paced around the room, holding his chassis for comfort, or to feel like he was grounded. And Starscream never wanted to feel grounded. The sudden movement and noise roused the attention of his formerly sleeping mate.

“Starscream?” Optimus said, sitting up from the berth.

The seeker barely flinched, ignoring his designation being called and continuing his pacing. Starscream was shaken. He wrapped an arm around himself and scratched at his chest plating in a feeble attempt to keep himself calm, but his processors still raced.

“Starscream.”

The second, more stern calling made Starscream stop his pacing, but he was still anything but calm. His wings dropped low, optics darted around the room, claws still idly scratched at plating, entire frame shaking, however slightly. He barely noticed the familiar, but heavy, steps of his mate behind him. But the strong arms wrapped around him got his full attention.

“Are you alright?” Optimus asked. The Prime had dealt with these happenings night in and night out, and patience was always key when Starscream had another nightmare. There was never one certain way the seeker would react.

Starscream pulled himself from the Prime’s grip and turning to face him. “Do I _look_ alright?!” he barked, wings hitching up. The hurt look on Optimus’ face had Starscream resuming his pacing and armor clawing, wings lowering. Guilt. Yes, that was all he needed right now.

“No. You do not,” Optimus answered. Of course he knew his mate wasn’t alright. But, he did know that he had to get Starscream to talk. It was usually the best way to calm him down, even if he ended up lashing out at Optimus in misdirected anger, allowing him to vent and sometimes figure things out on his own. Tonight, he would take one of his usual approaches. “Come,” he said, gesturing to the berth, “allow me to massage your wings.”

Starscream sighed as he paused his pacing long enough for the Prime to sit on the edge of the berth. He knew Optimus would suggest it and that he himself couldn’t say no to having his wings rubbed in all the right places.

Starscream still felt uneasy and shaken, but gave in to the pleading expression in Optimus’ brilliant, blue optics as he walked the few steps to sit between the Prime’s legs. Almost immediately he felt the broad servos glide along the planes of his angular wings, drawing out a sigh and almost moan from the antsy seeker.

Though the wing massages were more than pleasant, at this point, Starscream didn’t completely let them placate him. He still thought of the nightmares, where he saw nothing but pain, fire, gnashing jaws, and optics filled with nothing but pure malice for him. Starscream shuddered and shook his head, and spoke before Optimus could; “This is nothing but a temporary solution,” he muttered.

“I know,” Optimus replied. The massages helped, but were a fleeting answer. Starscream needed something more concrete than a theoretical bandage to fix this ongoing problem. “I believe it is best that we see a psychiatrist.”

Starscream shuddered at the very thought. “I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“’Why’?” Starscream scoffed, “why would I want to divulge my problems to a bot I don’t even know? What good is that supposed to do me?”

“A therapist acts as a third party, to listen to the crises you are experiencing, and help you work through it,” Optimus answered, not stopping the rhythmic touching to delicate wings. “They do not tell you what you wish to hear, but what you _need_ to hear. They are only there to help you.”

“So they can collect a paycheck,” Starscream stated.

The Prime ex-vented deeply. Patience was surely his virtue, but his mate was a different being altogether. Starscream was stubborn, resistant to change. Megatron’s teachings that the seeker was less than was longer lasting than Optimus would have liked. But he would not give up.

“If you do not wish to talk to someone, we can speak with Ratchet about giving you medication,” Optimus noted, gripping the edges of Starscream’s wings a little too tight. The smaller mech barely flinched, but arched his back slightly. He didn’t want to suggest it, but if it could help someone he cared about, he was more than willing to try it.

“You think I need to be medicated?” Starscream asked, gripping the edges of the berth with every press into either wing, biting his lip, losing the venom in his voice.

“I am merely offering suggestions. I only want what is best for you, Starscream.”

Starscream said nothing, but mulled over the words all the same, keeping his wings pressed into firm fingertips. He hated feelings this helpless, especially to his own problems. If only they were problems caused fully by someone else; he could easily just kill them and be done with it. Problem solved. But it was not that easy and things were very different now. The war had long ended, and Starscream was no longer Decepticon, but he didn’t feel entirely Autobot either, even being bonded to the Prime himself.

“I don’t want medication,” Starscream finally murmured.

“What _do_ you want, Starscream?” Optimus asked, pausing his sweet ministrations on the seeker’s sensitive plating, instead wrapping one arm around Starscream’s narrow waist.

Starscream tensed a brief moment on reflex. He brought his own arm over his mate’s, resting a servo over Optimus’. “I just-“ He let out an irritated ex-vent. “I want this to go away.”

Optimus rested his helm on the back of Starscream’s neck. “I know you do. But wishing it away is simply not enough. It takes action - real-life countermeasures - to fix this. We have both seen our own share of horror during the war, Starscream, and I hate to see it both physically and mentally debilitate you so.”

“What about you?”

“I have my own ways of dealing with stress and grief,” Optimus said, wrapping the other protective arm around Starscream, and moving his helm to a slender shoulder where he could be seen from the corner of a red optic. “You need not worry about me.”

This time, Starscream grit his dentae, and scratched at one ankle with the sharp edge of his opposite heel, nearly drawing blood. “So, you’re all fine and good while I’m the one who’s still fragged in the head?”

“You are not alone. Though the war is over, there will still be others experiencing the same struggle as you.” Optimus threaded his fingers with Starscream’s, lightly rubbing his helm against his mate’s. Starscream stopped his subconscious scratching in favor of gripping the affectionate servo tighter. “It is not weak to ask for help.”

Starscream wanted to argue. Truly, he did. But every word from Optimus sounded as if it were fact – whether it was or not - and at times even remotely like this, Starscream had a hard time questioning it. He didn’t want “help”, especially from some outside source. Then again, he didn’t want to keep having these nightmares, or these long nights without recharge. So, making a definitive decision would be beneficial to the both of them. But…

“You know I just want you to be happy,” Optimus said.

“…I know.”

“Please, love. Let us try a more permanent solution.”

The seeker attempted to curl in on himself, though he was limited by Optimus being wrapped around him. “I suppose it’s worth a shot,” he muttered.

Optimus heaved another heavy ex-vent, this time in relief. Deep in his spark, he knew Starscream didn’t really want this; but, he was at least willing to give it a chance. For his mate, for the peace, for the rest of his life. Optimus pulled Starscream even closer for an embrace. Starscream didn’t resist; he was so mentally exhausted, but still basked in affection.

When the Prime finally let go, Starscream pulled away as to let Optimus find a comfortable spot in the berth to lie down. The seeker snuggled into the broad, red chassis, in a mild but manageable panic about how he would be able to talk to a professional about his ongoing problem.

“I love you,” Optimus said.

Starscream didn’t think he’d ever be able to get used to hearing those words again. But, he decided he’d done enough thinking for tonight. “I love you too,” he said.

He would plan tomorrow for how to best compose himself. Tonight, Starscream was just another bot on Cybertron, comforted by the love and support of his beloved spark-mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying something new with my OTP.  
> Comments and crits always welcome.  
> May continue eventually.


	2. Chapter 2

Optimus believed it was the best course of action to trust his spark-mate. It was the basis of their relationship, of course. He would give Starscream the proper guidance he needed to at least get started, since he would be gone for the day. Again, like most days. Being the figurehead of Cybertron was trying work.

“Talk to Ratchet. I know he will be able to direct you to a competent psychiatrist,” Optimus said.

“Yes, of course,” Starscream acknowledged, not completely sure of himself. Talk to Ratchet? That was a chore in itself. He could not stop the movement of his optics or the subtle twitches of his wings in the response, though.

Optimus sighed, bringing his servos to the sides of Starscream’s face, finally making the other focus on him. “Please do this for me, Starscream. Promise me.”

“I- I will,” Starscream replied, bringing his claws up to rest on Optimus’ arm.

“Good,” Optimus said, giving one of his very rare smiles. The very ones that could melt the spark of any bot. “I love you.”

“Love you…” Starscream could only return half the enthusiasm as he watched Optimus leave through the front door, disappearing as the automatic hunk of metal closed, hiding his mate from sight. The seeker let out a shuddered sigh. He still didn’t want to do this. But he knew he had to. For himself, and for his mate.

With his resolve found, he went to the office, for lack of a better word, and activated the external comm-link to Ratchet. Starscream tapped his heel repeatedly against the hard floor to pass what seemed like hours until the link was finally retrieved, and he could have sworn he saw Ratchet smile for about a second before it was replaced with a more neutral expression.

“Oh. I was expecting Optimus,” he said.

“So sorry to disappoint,” Starscream said with a dramatic roll of his optics. Already, he wanted to disconnect this little conference.

Ratchet did not look amused. “Well, what do you need?” he asked, thankfully getting straight to the point.

Maybe not so thankfully though, as Starscream was a little more than hesitant to divulge what he needed. “Well, I…” He bit his lip, trying to concentrate.

Ratchet was not so patient. “You what? Come now, Starscream. I have a clinic to run, here.” They both knew the medic was only _this_ patient because the seeker had bonded with the Prime, even if Ratchet himself was resistant to the engagement.

“I know that!” Starscream shot back with a little more fervor than he meant. He reigned himself in, like he had forced himself to do, took a deep vent, and continued. “Can you recommend a psychiatrist to me? An effective one?” Starscream said quickly.

Ratchet said nothing for the time being, but studied Starscream through weary, blue optics. The seeker wouldn’t even look at him after making his request; he must have been embarrassed to even ask at all, and though that knowledge made Ratchet want to smirk, he saved it for the time being. He hastily tapped a few things into his console, bringing up – Starscream hoped – a list of psychiatrists, which the medic observed on the other side of the screen. Ratchet had glanced up a time or two, seeing Starscream hunched over his own console, tapping a single digit impatiently. Probably just habit, he thought to himself. Ratchet narrowed the list to those actually on Cybertron; it was not necessarily a list of only psychiatrists, but medics in general. Seeing one particular list, Ratchet scoffed, “Why not talk to Knock Out?”

Starscream flinched, finally looking to the screen. “Oh please. That hedonist would rather see me twist in the wind!”

“Of course,” Ratchet chuckled, more to himself than to Starscream. “I was mostly joking. You need someone with an unbiased opinion, of course.”

Starscream rolled his optics again. He considered a sarcastic remark, but stopped himself. Knock Out hadn’t been all bad. He’d even been a willing audial when Starscream needed to air his grievances, if nothing else. Even in rare cases, the cherry medic could almost be a voice of reason. “… How is he?” he asked, looking to the screen again.

Ratchet ceased typing at the question. “I’m sorry?”

“Knock Out,” Starscream clarified.

“Oh! Hm,” Ratchet thought to himself for a moment, “Initially, I’d put him on as a receptionist. Too often did I hear of him flirting with every in-patient,” he grumbled, resuming his typing. “So, I brought him in with me. Helping with procedures, and the like; though, he hasn’t stopped flirting, with patients… or with me,” Ratchet finished, shaking his head.

Starscream allowed himself to smile. Despite “switching teams”, Knock Out really hadn’t changed much at all. At least he was doing well for himself. But, Starscream didn’t really want to think of former comrades, even if said comrade had been far more tolerable than others. It would only be followed by far worse memories. Starscream shuddered again, this time scratching at his ankle with an opposite-footed heel. He chanced a look at the screen again to see Ratchet looking to the side with utmost concentration. Moments after the seeker could no longer take it did he speak up. “Are you finished?”

Ratchet looked taken aback for a moment at the brazen question, but swiftly returned to his neutral expression. “Starscream, I must tell you: Cybertron hasn’t been getting many bots returning as frequently as we’d like. There are only a few licensed psychiatrists here, and they are booked for a good time.”

Starscream’s wings rose in minor relief. He still had his reservations about seeing one. “So, how long, then?”

“It looks to be,” Ratchet paused, typing a few more things in, “a month, at least.”

“That long?”

“Starscream, you are not the only one with problems. Now, I can set you up an appointment-“

“No.”

“No?”

“I- I can’t wait that long,” Starscream admitted, feeling anxious once again.

“There is the chance that someone will cancel and you will be called in early,” Ratchet offered.

It was hardly a comfort. It wasn’t a guarantee, and Starscream didn’t know how much longer he could put up with this.

_‘Promise me.’_

Starscream froze. He cursed under his breath. He did promise Optimus he would try. Well, this could definitely be chalked up to that.

“Fine.”

“’Fine’ what?” Ratchet asked.

“Just write me in for the soonest one!”

Ratchet scoffed at the impatient, huffy tone, but did as commanded, typing in what he needed to write in Starscream’s appointment. He would never get what Optimus saw in this prissy seeker. “Your appointment is with a mech named Rung. He will comm you on your personal link before then to confirm.”

Starscream blinked. That was surprisingly easy.

“Okay, Starscream?”

“Y-yes! I got it.”

“Good,” Ratchet sighed. “Is there anything else you needed?”

“No. That was it,” Starscream answered.

“Alright then,” the medic said. He then gave another irritated huff, “Let me know if you need anything else, understand?”

Starscream looked surprised for a moment before answering with a nod.

Ratchet responded with a simple nod of his own, then disconnected the comm.

Starscream stared at the screen a few moments more, almost in disbelief. _‘One month. Rung.’_ He repeated it in his processors like a mantra. He tapped one back heel a few times, conceding to himself that he was finally getting help. Help he never asked for, but help that Optimus wanted him to have. Even now, Starscream still argued with himself that he wanted to deal with his demons alone. What good was he if he couldn’t?

Starscream shook his head. He needed to break that way of thinking. It hadn’t done him any good back then, and wouldn’t now, especially with a mate who actually cared about him. One who loved him and wanted to help. Optimus loved him.

He left the room with his thoughts, glancing around to the confining walls of their meager apartment. Starscream had wished it was more substantial from the beginning, but never argued with Optimus about their living arrangements. Cybertron was only just starting to rebuild; the returning bots couldn’t exactly choose the lap of luxury so soon. Still, Starscream wished the ceilings were taller, the rooms larger, hallways longer… It was what he was used to when he was an elite seeker. Starscream secretly wished for more, but was glad for what he had. After all, it could be worse. Starscream smirked to himself, thinking, _I could be dead._

 

* * *

 

 

Optimus had returned later in the night. Later than he would have liked. There was still much work to be done, but at least for now, he could put it out of his processors. All the lights were off, so Optimus assumed Starscream had turned in for the night. But, even though he tried stepping lightly on the way to the bedroom, he saw his mate appear at the doorway. For a moment he felt guilty that he may have woken Starscream up, it quickly faded when the seeker closed the distance between them and immediately embraced him. Optimus returned the gesture genuinely and held Starscream close. “Did I wake you?” he asked.

“No,” Starscream said. “I couldn’t recharge.”

Though it was not exactly Optimus’ fault, guilt returned, however minor; these long nights that kept the Prime out later usually meant less sleep for Starscream as well. “Did you speak with Ratchet?”

“Yes. They can’t get me in for a month,” Starscream muttered into Optimus’ chassis.

Optimus sighed, “As long as they do, love.” He kissed the top of Starscream’s helm. “I am proud of you.”

“No need to patronize me,” Starscream scoffed.

“Forgive me, I did not mean it that way,” Optimus stated, moving his servos lower over Starscream’s back and hips, stroking gently.

Starscream squirmed slightly under the light touches. “What’s this for?”

“For you,” Optimus answered, “and for us,” he said, kissing Starscream fully on the lips.

Starscream submitted, his wings lowered, servos bracing Optimus’ broad shoulders. He broke away from his mate’s loving embrace momentarily. “I love you,” he whispered.

Optimus smiled, holding Starscream’s angular face in his servos. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to continue. I have bigger plans than I meant for this, and though it's intimidating, I plan to see it through. Thank you all for your support on this project.
> 
> Comments and crits welcome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised at myself at how fast I'm churning out these chapters.
> 
> Also, yes, the rating did change. It's become far more than just a oneshot, after all.

Starscream went through the coming weeks as normally as he could; sometimes he’d see Optimus off to his meetings with the other Autobots, and sometimes he’d join him, offering his own input and opinions on the situation at hand and what should be done about the drifting drones and incoming Cybertronians. Most days he chose to stay at home, away from those who still looked upon him with disdain. His mate’s friends, who never really approved of their Prime consorting with the second-in-command of the Decepticons. What did he care? Optimus loved him all the same.

“Starscream?”

The seeker was dragged from his thoughts, this time by his designation and oh-so-wonderful fingers in his valve. “Hm?”

“You were drifting again,” Optimus said, digging his digits farther in Starscream’s valve, making his mate writhe on his lap. “Are you alright?”

Starscream held tight to Optimus’ shoulders as he ground down on the Prime’s digits, “Yes, f-fine,” he groaned. He peeked an optic open to see Optimus’ slightly concerned face. He decided to change the subject, “How are the meetings going?”

“Starscream,” Optimus said, stopping his fingers, “is this really the time?”

“Yes!” Starscream said, lifting and dropping his hips back on Optimus’ fingers, making them both moan. “Talk to me!”

“Very well,” the Prime conceded. He held one servo on Starscream’s hip, the other meeting the bouncing of the seeker’s frame. “Shockwave and Predaking are still at large. Most of the Vehicons have renounced their Decepticon title and-“ Optimus himself lost his words when Starscream coaxed open his codpiece, his red and silver plated spike pressurizing into the waiting servo. He moaned as he matched the thrust of his hips with that of his servos still playing with Starscream’s valve, but still couldn’t quite articulate.

Causing the minor disruption in conversation, Starscream smirked, for once being the one to tease, “And?”

“And,” Optimus started, though wanting to continue the status report, was quite distracted by the servo around his spike. “Some Vehicons- and Eradicons- still believe in, ah, Megatron’s message.”

Starscream moved his busy servo to Optimus’ arm, gently pushing it from his valve, removing the digits with it, making him gasp quietly. He hastily positioned himself over the Prime’s thick, dripping spike, gently rubbing the folds of his valve over it. Optimus never rushed him. Control was a wonderful thing to have. Starscream gently pushed his frame downward, allowing Optimus to penetrate him, slowly, inch by inch, just the way he wanted. He felt Optimus’ servos on his hips, gripping, but not urging. Once fully seated, Starscream wasted little time continuing his earlier rhythm. “You could just call them drones,” Starscream sighed.

Optimus had nearly forgotten they’d been discussing them in the first place, especially when his mate’s tight valve enveloped him. “I’d prefer not to,” he digressed. “It sounds as if we do not consider them sentient.”

“I don’t,” Starscream groaned.

“May I ask why?”

“Because,” he said, his riding getting more aggressive, “they’re all the same! In looks and- ahh- it’s not as if they have their own designations!”

Optimus held fast to slender hips, lightly resting his helm in Starscream’s neck. Keeping his voice mostly level, he asked, “Have you ever formally spoken with any of them?”

“I never needed to!” Starscream said, gripping his claws in Optimus’ shoulders. “I was their commander, and they were made to follow orders, not question their superior officers!” Starscream couldn’t help his voice from breaking slightly when his mate’s spike hit a particularly deep node inside of him, making his back arch and his wings hitch upward. His own noises elevated the more that spot was assaulted. Starscream muttered a short string of curses under his breath as he gyrated his hips on that massive spike, determined to make it hit every sensitive node it could.

“Are you close, love?” Optimus asked, pulling the smaller mech closer.

“Yes,” Starscream whispered, “yes, yes…”

Optimus pulled away from Starscream’s neck, still holding his hips as he watched his beautiful mate’s expression change the closer he got to overload. Finally, with a few hard thrusts into the seeker’s needy valve, Starscream dug his claws into Optimus’ thickly plated shoulders for leverage as he arched his delicate back, pink lubricant coating the massive spike inside him. Starscream moaned as his orgasm subsided, thankful Optimus was still holding onto him so he wouldn’t tumble backwards. The Prime waited a moment for Starscream to come down from his high momentarily before pulling him against his chassis and gave a few more solid thrusts before filling his exhausted mate with his transfluid, his final, satisfied sighs nearly muted. “I love you.”

Starscream managed a hum of acknowledgment, too pleased and too tired to form words from his vocalizer.

Optimus was anything but offended. As long as his spark-mate was happy, he was happy.

Both mechs basked in the afterglow of their heated interface in perfect silence and comfort. They merely enjoyed each other’s company and warm frame against frame, still connected.

“Love you too,” Starscream finally said.

Optimus smiled. Moments like these felt so rare with how often he had to hold meetings with his Autobots, and he wanted nothing more than to hold onto them forever. Never in some-odd millions of years did he ever believe that Starscream of all mechs would become the most important in his life. But Optimus didn’t like to dwell in the past, especially given their history; both personally and during the war. Though the road ahead of them – and other Cybertronians – was an arduous one, he wouldn’t be facing it alone. He had a wonderful mate and wonderful friends. Everything would turn out fine.

“Optimus.”

“Yes?” the Prime asked. He hadn’t realized he’d rested his helm on Starscream’s shoulder and sat up straight.

“Are you just going to sit here and daydream, or did you want a round two?” Starscream asked deviously.

Optimus chuckled. “I am afraid you have worn me out this time.”

Starscream’s wings angled downward ever slightly, wearing a pout on his face. “You could lay back and let me do all the work.”

Optimus would forever be amazed at Starscream’s seemingly insatiable sex drive. It may have been more so surprising after the seeker divulged fairly explicit details on his “relationship” with Megatron. Details that gave the both of them comfort knowing the warlord was finally gone. “Apologies, Starscream, but I believe a shower is in order before I attend the meeting this evening.”

“Fine,” Starscream huffed, standing and barely wincing as Optimus’ depressurized spike slipped from his valve. As soon as tried to put his full weight on his pedes, his legs gave out.

Optimus’ arms immediately shot out to catch Starscream around his middle before he could hit the floor. He tried to pull Starscream against him but his mate wasn’t having it. “Star-“

Starscream pressed an open servo to Optimus’ chest to push himself back. “I’m fine! I just,“ He stopped, trying to get his legs to straighten and stop shaking, to no avail. Optimus had really taken it out of him. “I need to sit down.”

Optimus said nothing and helped his mate situate himself next him on the berth. He allowed Starscream to vent a few moments before speaking again. “Are you alright?”

“Never better. Now go shower,” Starscream said, waving his servo dismissively.

“Please do not be upset, Starscream. You know as well as I that these meetings are tantamount to seeing the full restoration of Cybertron. The Autobots-“

“Still hate me.”

Optimus felt his spark clench painfully at those words, but at least he seemed to have found what was bothering his mate. “Starscream, they do not hate you.”

“Arcee does!” Starscream countered, wings flaring behind him. “She’s the one who convinced you to put a tracker on me!”

“Arcee did not want you to be the exception to having _all_ Decepticons fitted with a tracking device.”

“Certainly, because living with you and even being BONDED to you isn’t enough for her!”

Optimus had to take a slow, deep ex-vent to calm himself. It wasn’t as if he’d ever lash out at Starscream, but the seeker really knew how to wear his patience thin. They’d had this discussion before, but at this point, the Prime had started to assume that Starscream needed the constant reinforcement. He laid a cautious servo on Starscream’s back. Optimus was thankful he didn’t resist it. “I am the only one who is keeping track of you. I trust you more than you believe, Starscream.”

Starscream turned his head away, his wings lowering again. His claws dug into the sheets of their berth; guilt was seeping in again. “I know. I just wish they did, too. Because they’re your _friends_ , I mean.”

“I understand,” Optimus said, grateful Starscream had calmed down. “One day they will not see you as a threat, but until then, they want precautions taken to put their processors at ease.”

Starscream would never be fine with it, but he couldn’t argue with Optimus’ logic. He merely sighed, and nodded his helm in response.

Optimus smiled again and pulled Starscream close to kiss the side of his helm. “Would you care to join me in the shower?” he asked as he stood up.

Starscream gave it about two seconds of thought before answering, “I may as well.” _‘It’s not like I get much free time with you, anyway.’_ “Not like I have anything else to do,” he said, also standing.

“I take it you have read all of my novels already?” Optimus asked, slightly concerned with Starscream’s nonchalance.

“At least three times each,” Starscream said, making his way to the shower racks connected to their bedroom.

“I shall see if I can obtain more soon.”

Starscream didn’t acknowledge the statement, instead turned on the water for them. The two of them stood together under the spray, allowing the water time to reach every crevice and gap of their frames. Finally, Starscream turned to his mate, wrapping lanky arms around the Prime’s bulky middle. “Thank you.”

Optimus smiled again, returning the gesture, stroking Starscream’s back. “Anything for you, my love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has become more important to me each day. I'm enjoying every bit of it and I have big plans for later chapters. Thanks to everyone who has and is reading it, and those offering their support.
> 
> Comments and crits always welcome.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags are updated every chapter as needed.

Today was the day.

Starscream’s meeting with the mech called Rung was in an hour and Optimus recommended he get there early. To say he was only nervous was more than an understatement. He was terrified. Terrified, but determined. He would do this, and he would do better as a mate. He’d be… “normal”.

“Are you certain you do not wish me to join you?” Optimus asked.

“Yes. What’s the worst that could happen?” Starscream said, then imagined no less than five scenarios that could indeed go wrong. He immediately dismissed them before they rooted themselves in his processors. “I’ll be fine.”

“Very well,” Optimus said, then took the seeker’s helm in his servos, giving the red crest a gentle kiss. “Good luck. Please comm me if you need me for anything.”

“I will.” Starscream offered a half smile, then made his way out the door, transforming, and flying to his destination. He could have had Optimus request a ground-bridge from the clinic, but was far happier flying, and it gave him time to ease his slightly frazzled mind even if the building wasn’t all that far away. He was grateful Optimus gave him the opportunity.

Starscream’s pleasure in flying was only slightly dampened by the sights beneath him: buildings still destroyed, rubble and rust piles, maybe even the occasional limb that had yet to be cleaned up. Most of the Autobots and few Decepticons lived in close proximity to one another, but there was still much of Cybertron that was uninhabited, and therefore unrepaired. Starscream was starting to wonder why Ratchet didn’t just build a new clinic closer to their makeshift neighborhood. But then, he reasoned, maybe it was a good idea to rebuild the old one so those returning might have an inkling of where to go should they be injured.

The beacon on Starscream’s internal map had quickly led him to Ratchet’s clinic. Probably too soon for his liking, for only a handful of reasons. Starscream switched to his bipedal form and stood before the doors as if they were deciding his fate. The building wasn’t even all that large, but the longer he stared up at it, the taller it seemed to get. He took a deep vent, forced his legs to move, and in through the white doors he went.

The reception room seemed spacious enough; several chairs lined the dulled white of the walls, though there were no bots seated at present, a somewhat dilapidated desk sat in the center, with an ebony-plated, younger-looking femme seated behind it, tapping away at the computer in front of her, dark blue optics focused on the screen. She had what looked like green racing stripes down her chest, and gold trim around her neck, which clashed rather terribly. Then, until she heard the door close. She looked up immediately, and offered her brightest smile and brightest greeting: “Hello there!”

Starscream felt slightly unnerved by the change in the femme’s demeanor, but tried to pay it no mind as he walked up to the desk. “Hello. I’m, ah,” Starscream stalled. It had been so long since he’s had to be this formal. And polite. “I have an appointment with Rung,” he stated.

The dark femme’s pointed, silver audials twitched, large eyebrows raising. “Oh, okay! And you are…?”

Starscream looked around, paranoid that anyone besides the femme could be listening. “It’s under ‘Starscream’,” he whispered. As his optics darted around, he finally noticed the signage sitting atop the desk, with what he assumed was the femme’s name: “Meld”.

Meld looked over Starscream a moment, though he didn’t notice. “I thought as much,” she said, then started typing on her keyboard once again.

Starscream’s wings rose in slight irritation. “What?”

“Oh! I mean,” Meld hesitated, tapping her angular, silver face a few times. “You looked very familiar, is all.”

This time, Starscream’s wings drooped. “You know who I am?” There was a time when Starscream took great pleasure in bots knowing who he was. During the war, it struck fear in the sparks of most. Now, that fear was far from wanted.

Meld eyed the change of position in his wings. She personally was familiar with seekers. She couldn’t be comforting in this exchange, however. “There aren’t many who _don’t_ know who you are, Starscream,” she said, offering a weak smile. Meld saw Starscream’s wings droop farther. “Please understand: We help all of those who ask for it, be it Autobot or Decepticon, or neutral. If you need our help, we will give it to you.”

Starscream’s wings picked back up, looking at the sweet femme with gratitude. He was glad she was, as far as he could tell, quashing her possible bias. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, smiling. Meld then reached beside her computer, handing Starscream a datapad and stylus. “Just fill out this information, hand it back to me, I’ll put it in, then Rung will be with you when he can, alright?”

Starscream nodded his helm, taking the items and sitting in one of the many vacant seats. He looked over the questionnaire. Most were fairly basic questions: name, age, affiliation. The last seemed to do the least for him, as it were. Some seemed more personal: marital status, personal comm-link, home address. He’d never had to do this before. He was a high-class seeker before the war! He never needed these kinds of soft-sparked things. Starscream folded a delicate leg under the other, and tapped the stylus nervously against the screen. He noticed Meld’s optics looking at him every so often. He couldn’t tell if she was worried about him or just nervous in his presence. He tried not to think of it, instead filling out this basic page of information.

Eventually, a tall femme and very small sparkling holding her servo entered the building. Starscream tried not to look up in risk of being willingly distracted. The femme walked quickly to the service desk and immediately started an argument with Meld about… something. Meld seemed to be trying her hardest to keep her composure, even as this other femme was yelling at her. Starscream tried not to listen. He did, occasionally, peer up, noticing the tiny bitlet looking back at him, pacifier in his little intake. He tore his optics away, once again focusing on these overly personal questions.

Starscream scribbled on the screen for a minute or two before he hear little pedesteps come up to him. He moved his datapad to the side to see two big, bright blue optics looking back at him. Starscream didn’t know what to do a moment before the bitlet took its pacifier from its mouth and said, “Hi.”

Starscream looked up to its presumed carrier, then back to it. Maybe “him”? He answered back, albeit awkwardly, “Hi.”

The tiny, blue bitlet, probably no older than three years, asked “wha’s youw name?”

“Starscream.”

“Tha’s pretty. Youw pwetty,” the bitlet said. “’M Wake.”

Starscream stopped his paperwork, smiling. “Nice to meet you, Wake.”

Wake replaced his pacifier, using both servo to grab Starscream’s own, lightly scratching and pulling at it, giggling to himself. Starscream couldn’t help but smile more, this young sparkling was just so precious, especially with his speech faculties not yet fully developed. He let the bitlet pull and manipulate his servo as he wanted, the youngling holding up Starscream’s claws above his little helm with utmost fascination. He took solace in knowing Wake would grow up knowing no war or strife. Only peace, and happiness.

The carrier femme finally looked away from Meld long enough to see her sparkling with a well-known Decepticon’s clawed servo above the bitlet’s head. She screeched, and ran to pick up her sparkling, jerking him away from Starscream. “Don’t touch my child!” she yelled.

Starscream flinched, pulling his servo away as he watched the femme drag her confused sparkling to the seat farthest from him.

“You do not talk to him!” the carrier said sternly to her bitlet, pointing at Starscream without looking, “He’s a Decepticon! Do you understand me? That means he’s bad!” she said to her small sparkling, who nodded sadly. She wasn’t exactly trying to be discreet with Starscream sitting in the same room.

Starscream, in turn, felt terrible. His wings angled down. Wake was so cute, he didn’t mean to get him in trouble. It seemed his reputation definitely preceded him. The tiny thing looked up at him with sad optics as his carrier did her own paperwork, occasionally looking up at the seeker. Starscream tried to pay attention to his own work as to not get the youngling in any further trouble. _‘Reason for appointment,’_ he read.

Soon, other bots filled the room. Most of them he never would have recognized, at least two of them drones he assumed had been part of the Decepticon cause. He felt optics on him, and they made him want to curl in on himself, but he forced himself to do his questionnaire. Starscream filed off the rest of his information on the page. Finally. He got up and crossed the room to Meld, who took the datapad, scanning it over quickly.

“Everything looks alright. Rung will be with you shortly,” Meld said, smiling again at him.

Starscream nodded and made his way back to his seat. He looked up occasionally, seeing Wake ogling him with wide optics. The tiny mech waved at him, making Starscream wave back, before the carrier femme noticed and lightly swatted Wake’s servo. Starscream just looked down to the floor, his digits tapping lightly on his knees.

A few more bots filled the room, most of which took the time to look at the fallen Decepticon, even whisper about him. So Starscream assumed. It felt like every bot in the room was looking at him, judging him, snickering and whispering about him. Starscream was the point of everyone’s discussion, only making the seeker tap more, his optics dart around the room, seeing everyone seem to whisper about him. The secrets made his spark pulse faster, the energon in his lines rush. Everything blurred together. Only now did he truly wish Optimus had come with him.

Starscream finally stood abruptly and made toward the door and forcing it open before he heard “bye, Stawscwream!” He saw most of the bots in the room turn to look at him. It made him flinch, but he still turned to the tiny sparkling and his appalled carrier before waving a goodbye to him with a whispered “goodbye, Wake,” and closing the door. The seeker forced back his impending misery and ran down the walkway, transforming, and flying as far from the clinic as he could.

In the waiting room, a lanky orange and white mech walked through the door by the desk. “Starscream?” he asked, looking up from a datapad. Some bots looked up, but none said anything.

Wake flailed his tiny arms about to get the mech’s attention, then pointed to the door. His carrier once again tried to calm his rambunctiousness.

“He… left?” he asked, looking between the door and young sparkling. Wake nodded a firm “yes”. None of the other bots in the room looked interested after the initial name call. “Meld?” he asked the receptionist.

Her attention was once again abruptly pulled from her computer screen, then quickly scanned the room for the aforementioned mech, only to find him absent. “Oh, uh, he left?” she said. It was almost a question of her own as she looked to the doctor.

Rung paid her little mind as he scribbled on his datapad with a murmur to himself, “That’s too bad,” and closed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blazed through this chapter in a night and edited it this morning. :D
> 
> Comments and crits welcome.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /comm chatter/

Starscream waited for his racing spark to calm before he came to a landing in an alleyway. He switched modes and leaned against a wall, attempting to slow his venting before he even thought about picking up his flying again. He could only curse inwardly to himself before he heard thunder; a shower of rain following quickly afterward.

 “Of course,” he said to himself. Starscream shook his helm. Across the street he saw a neon sign for what was most certainly some sort of dive bar. Surely, Primus had sent a figurative sign to match the literal one. Starscream resigned himself to his supposed fate and crossed the vacant street to the shady establishment.

Starscream opened the door, the stagnant smell of booze and cygar smoke filled his olfactory senses. He coughed a little as the heavy door closed behind him. The seeker made his way to an empty seat at the bar. The bartender didn’t look very busy; the mech only seemed to dry off a few empty glasses as he half glanced at the fuzzy screen showing a rerun of a popular sport above his counter. Starscream sat at a far end, the bartender quickly making his way to him, asking for his order. Starscream answered with “Your strongest whatever.”

The teal and purple barmech gave him a curious look before reaching under the counter for a mug, filling it with exactly his “strongest whatever”. At least if this mech knew who he was, it seemed unlikely he was going to say anything about it.

Starscream looked around this area as well. The walls were a sickly gray, something very suspicious leaking from the ceilings, fuzzy telecom sets, and a trashed music player in the corner. This place had definitely seen better days. Even the bots around him, for what few there were, looked miserable. Everything here seemed unpleasant. He looked back to the bartender who handed him a tall mug of a green liquid that was almost as bright as the sign outside.

“Thanks,” Starscream murmured and took a small sip and immediately gagged on it. He glared at the barmech, who looked thoroughly unamused. “This is bitter!”

“You said ‘strongest’, not ‘tastiest’,” the mech said in a flat tone before turning away to help someone else.

Starscream would have threatened the mech if he could. Well, he _could_. He was just trying to put the life of threatening others behind him, so he let it be, and downed half his brew in one go.

He continued to sip at his drink, watching as the occasional bot sauntered in, chatting up others, playing music or games, but most just ordered drinks. Once again, a few of the patrons were drones. Drones he hoped to Primus wouldn’t speak with him, even in the public setting. Drones he hoped wouldn’t remember him, unlikely as that was.

Starscream had ordered at least two more of his first order, which seemed to do its job at least. His time at the bar had felt like hours since he’d easily drained his second, sobriety quickly leaving him and slowing the passage of time. Starscream quickly started on his third, no longer tasting the bitterness, before a bold drone came up and sat next to him.

The drone – an Eradicon, if Starscream cared to remember properly – looked him up and down before flagging down the barmech and requested “whatever he was having”, gesturing to Starscream. The stone-faced mech served the Eradicon his drink and went about his business, the drone sipping its beverage through a straw into an unseen intake.

Starscream ignored the other presence for a good time. He put his marginal attention toward the telecom in an effort to care about the program, to distract himself. He was here to drown his sorrows, remembering that he completely disregarded Optimus’ wishes and utterly destroying the chance of getting help he needed, all because he ran away like the coward he was. The seeker let out a ragged sigh and downed another quarter of his drink. How was he going to explain this to his spark-mate?

“Hey there.”

Starscream immediately tensed up, but focused on the near-fluorescent glow of his high-grade instead of looking to the source of the voice next to him.

“Don’t wanna talk to me?” the drone asked.

Starscream set his drink down, knowing he couldn’t ignore this low-life forever. “Can I help you?” he asked without looking at him.

“Heh, probably not. Just wanted to talk… Commander.”

Starscream felt his optic twitch, then finally looked at the obnoxious drone next to him. “Which one were you, again?” he asked, deliberately trying to be insulting, though he genuinely couldn’t tell one drone from another.

“I’m Steve. But you probably remember me better as 57-V43.”

Starscream raised his brow yet again, the drone next to him seeming to get more blurry. Where did he come up with a stupid name like that? It sounded painfully human. “Sorry, don’t remember you.” He then returned to his drink, hoping to end the conversation.

Steve hummed, then sipped his own drink. “What brings you to a place like this?”

Starscream nearly choked on his high-grade, setting the glass down harder than he meant to, “I skipped a doctor’s appointment, alright?!” he growled. The seeker’s optics suddenly darted around again, seeing he got the attention of a few bots around him. Starscream groaned, then planted his face into the cool metal of the bar.

“Oh yeah?” Steve asked, “What for? You sick?”

“In the processors,” Starscream murmured.

“Ohh, _that_ kinda doctor.”

Starscream growled; why did he even tell this stupid mech in the first place? Then he realized he’d had a third glass of incredibly potent high-grade, _‘Oh, that’s why. Frag.’_

“What kinda help you need?” Steve asked, seeming to be genuinely concerned, or just morbidly interested. Starscream couldn’t parse the tone in his state.

“Don’t worry about it,” Starscream grumbled, finishing the last of his drink. He went back to thinking of any conceivable excuse he could give Optimus that he skipped his appointment. Maybe Starscream could convince his mate to have a sparkling or two instead. At least that way, the seeker wouldn’t have any extra time to worry about his own problems.

“Look, I get you don’t want help, but _I_ may actually be able to, depending what you need.”

“How could _you_ help me?” Starscream scoffed, once again annoyed at this drone for interrupting him.

Steve cautiously looked around the bar before answering. “I know we’ve all been going through a lot of the same slag, so I figure your problems are similar enough to mine,” he said, pulling a small bottle with white tablets from his subspace, “I’ve been takin’ these for a few months now. Been going pretty steady lately; barely need ‘em. If you wanna try ‘em out, I’ll give you a few.”

Starscream looked between the bottle and Steve, then back to the bar. “No thanks.”

Steve cocked his helm, confused. “Why not?”

“Because my carrier told me not to take candy from strangers,” the seeker answered sarcastically, even snickering to himself at his own joke. The bar-mech approached him again to offer another drink before Starscream waved him off.

Though Steve was amused, he was far from deterred. “I wouldn’t treat this stuff like candy. It’s pretty strong.”

Starscream’s wings twitched upward, but he said nothing. He only rubbed at his helm; he needed to sober up. He did not need this drone right now.

“You want to feel better, don’t you? Seriously, smaller builds like us, we only need about one a day.”

“Ugh,” Starscream groaned, “What exactly are they for? Exactly my problems, right?” he asked, reasonably suspicious of this mech and his alleged miracle drugs.

“Actually,” Steve started. The drone looked almost unsure of himself, or so Starscream thought given the same visor as literally every other drone among the Decepticons. “I take them for depression. It works for anxiety too. You got either of those?”

Starscream was taken aback. He didn’t rightly know. He didn’t talk to a psychiatrist like he should have. He could only make assumptions. “Anxiety” sounded about right. “Yes?” he answered.

“So, you should be good with one’a these. Seriously, try it out, it might work for you,” Steve insisted, taking one of the pills out and holding out to Starscream.

On reflex, Starscream held out his servo, letting the small pill drop into his palm. This one pill could fix him? At least for a day?

“Listen to me, though: only take one a day, and NEVER with high-grade. It will mess you up like that, especially since you’re starting out.”

Starscream held it up between two sharp digits. “Is that so?” he asked idly.

“Yeah.”

The seeker briefly fantasized of a world where he was unburdened by his troubles, where he could live happily with his beloved spark-mate. There was a bigger house, a lofty one, where he and Prime led Cybertron into a beautiful era of peace. He didn’t need Megatron! He didn’t need an army! All he needed was Optimus Prime: his love and his life. “Very well. I’ll take it.”

“R-really?” Steve asked, suddenly surprised.

“Yes.”

“Good!” Steve said, though still taken aback at his former commander’s answer. “Listen,” he continued urgently, “I’m serious. One a day.”

“I heard you!” Starscream snapped.

“I just don’t want you to get messed up off these, ya know?” Steve said. Truly, he must have been genuinely concerned. “Just take this one – tomorrow, when you’re out of recharge – and let me know later how you feel, alright?”

Starscream immediately pulled the tablet into his subspace. “How will I do that?”

“I can give you my personal comm-link number?” Steve offered, “If you like it, you can call me for more. If not, well, you can just delete me from your database, right?”

Starscream considered the drone a moment. He seemed to be fairly reasonable, even sentient, which he didn’t think any of them were. But this one was surely different. It’s not like Steve was forcing him to take the pill now; he could easily wait until he was in the comfort of his home. Drunken stupor or not, this didn’t really seem like a no-win situation.

“Look, just, take the one. If it works,” Steve stated, this time taking Starscream’s arm in his servo and opening a small panel, typing in his personal comm-link number. Starscream let him. “There. You know where to reach me.”

Starscream held up his arm to his optics, observing it closely before closing it and turning his attention back to the fuzzy telecom. Right now, the numbers all blurred together, but Steve didn’t need to know that. “Yes,” he answered indifferently.

“Good,” Steve answered as he rose from his seat, giving Starscream a brief pat on the shoulder before making his way to exit the bar.

Starscream nodded absent-mindedly. His optics seemed unfocused but his processors buzzed with questions: Would this really work? What if it didn’t? What did he have to lose at this point?

Starscream pondered these questions as he exited the bar, holding his helm to keep his physical state steady as possible. He was grateful no one else stopped him for conversation. Still, he questioned what consequence would lie before him without getting the proper guidance he needed. Starscream refrained from shaking his helm, lest the intoxication drag him into darker parts of his processors. He’d call Optimus, if only to tell him he was fine. Yes, this was a good plan.

Starscream began pacing on the sidewalk before he pressed a sharp digit behind his outermost vent, activating his comm-link. His entire frame still felt like the static he’d seen on the telecom; pleasantly numb but vaguely felt his valve clench on nothing. It was a frustrating feeling, but he wouldn’t let it overcome him. Everything would-

/Starscream?/

Starscream flinched, and inwardly cursed at himself. It was only Optimus! /Yes?/ he asked dumbly. Damn it, he was supposed to be reassuring, here!

/Did everything go alright? Did Rung give you medication?/

His mate was definitely ready for this call. /N-no. I mean-/ Starscream bit his lip, panicking more than he’d liked. He should have thought this through a little more. /Everything was fine. I just- ah- can’t get medication until tomorrow./ Starscream hoped this was sufficient; believable, even.

Starscream heard Optimus sigh in what he hoped was relief. /But the appointment did go well. I am grateful for that,/ Prime said.

/I-it did, yes./ Optimus believed him. Starscream suddenly felt a sharp pain in his spark that traveled through his entire frame, his wings angling downward in his immediate guilt. Lying shouldn’t have felt this bad, it had been second nature to him, after all.

The Prime seemed to wait a moment before speaking again. /Starscream, I am truly happy for you,/ Optimus said, /But, the Autobots wish an early conference with me in the morning. I understand if you choose to remain out of it so that you may obtain your medication,/ he said.

Starscream felt his wings perk up at that statement. /Yes! That would be fine,/ he said a bit too quickly.

/If you are certain,/ Optimus said, likely not reading Starscream’s anxiety. /When will you be home?/

/S-soon,/ Starscream stuttered, /I’d just like to go flying for a bit, if that’s okay./

/Of course,/ Optimus said, /I will see you tonight. I love you./

The lithe mech bit his lip in response. For the first time in a long time, he hesitated at those wonderful words. /Love you, too./ Starscream removed his digits from his comm, ending the conversation.

Optimus was prepared for Starscream to be out the whole day, flying over as much of Cybertron as he wished. His mate was so trusting; it had been an eternity since Starscream had a mate like that. Starscream stopped his pacing to lean against a wall, allowing himself to get caught up in his own drunken thoughts for a moment. Comparisons to Megatron came up, which he quickly tried to dismiss. That was the absolute last thing he was going to think about!

Starscream would have loved nothing more than to just fly home and curl up on the berth for a nap to sleep off the intoxication, but there was no explaining that to his mate, either. No, he’d have to stick around until he at least had the equilibrium to fly again.

Starscream seemed to shrink against the mortar wall, slicked with rain water, it still scraped against his thinly-plated back as he slid down it. He then took out the pill Steve had given him from his subspace, once again holding it between two, slender digits. After the stunt he’d pulled today, he could only hope that this little pill could be his saving grace for everything he held dear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and crits always welcome.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gone back through and made small edits on all previous chapters. They don't do anything to the plot, just some altered words and details. I've also removed all Cybertronian terms for lengths of time for the sake of consistency.

 Starscream had awoken the next day without incident. For that, he was grateful. Unfortunately, Optimus had already gone for the day for yet another meeting which Starscream couldn’t quite be bothered to care about; his mate could take care of it without him as he usually did. Starscream hadn’t even taken that supposedly magical little pill that Steve had given him yet. He tensed when he remembered he still had the thing floating around in his subspace for safe-keeping. From his sitting position against the dull gray wall of his room, Starscream pulled the tablet from his subspace, once again holding up for scrutiny.

_‘Once a day, huh?’_ Starscream questioned in his head. He rolled the magic pill between a thumb and forefinger, partially to stall. He then took it in his fist and immediately went to the meager kitchen, pouring himself some low-grade energon and downing it along with the pill. “This had better work.”

For an odd hour or so, Starscream spent his time reading one of Optimus’ favorite novels for the umpteenth time, not really wanting to just sit around waiting for the stupid pill to work.

Sometime around the third chapter, Starscream had begun to feel… happier. Though he’d read this particular novel more than the others, it suddenly seemed more immersive; the characters were more enjoyable, the scenery seemed more alive, the fantastical goals set within more realistic. Starscream marked his place in the novel, then set it aside on a small table next to the couch. He looked up to the ocean of white ceiling above him and the gears in his processors started turning. They created more upbeat scenarios himself, achievable ones, ones that he could help his wonderful mate with. Starscream grinned to himself.

Finally feeling all of his energy become less anxious, Starscream immediately rose from the couch and set to work, using his time to clean the entire apartment. He wanted it to look absolutely pristine when Optimus got home, even if Prime himself didn’t see such a thing as a high priority. To Starscream, nothing on Cybertron nor the universe itself was too good for _his_ spark-mate. Surely Optimus knew that too; he chose to bond with Starscream, after all.

Starscream set about cleaning their bedroom. As he straightened out the sheets, he thought back when he and Optimus moved in. He smiled when he remembered very vividly (and very fondly) convincing Optimus to “test the durability” of their furniture. In hindsight, it may not have been the best idea as nothing in their domicile was new, but it was a far more enjoyable experience. They’d only broken one chair, and had to stop one session lest they further damage the berth. To this day, Starscream was still surprised Optimus playfully agreed to it. He’d had to constantly work the Prime up to interfacing since they’d bonded, Optimus not being the type to do so recreationally before then.

Starscream found himself getting caught up in pleasant memories as his claws gripped the sheets and his valve clenched. He whined, feeling the desire to self-service. But, he decided, he had work to do. Optimus could be home anytime. Starscream reasoned that it would be better to save his pent up energy for his mate. Yes, that would be much more satisfactory. So, Starscream brought himself back to reality and his chores at hand, tidying up the bed and adjacent shower rack to their room. Optimus wouldn’t have to do a thing once he returned; everything would be as perfect as he was. Starscream was positively giddy with the idea, and the bigger stress-reliever following.

Starscream suddenly ceased his cleaning and nearly tensed. He remembered that he had stayed home today because he was picking up his medication, not because he already had it and decided on a whim to deep-clean the entire apartment! Starscream felt his wings lower, his sparkrate start to pick up. What was he going to tell Optimus _this_ time?

Starscream forced himself to calm down. He could figure this out! He was a brilliant strategist in the war. This shouldn’t be any more difficult than deciding a basic battle formation for his armada. Even if the formation in question was against his bonded. Starscream shook his helm to scatter his off-track thoughts. He back-tracked through the previous day: leaving the apartment, going straight to the clinic, talking to the receptionist, the adorable sparkling, passing the time until he had to talk to-

Rung!

Starscream’s wings picked up again as he found his answer and his resolve. He stood and went to the office again. He sent a call to Ratchet’s clinic, thinking it almost too personal to access Rung’s comm, which might have been ridiculous, since Rung had his on file. Starscream waited patiently until an image popped up on-screen. It was Meld.

“Hello! How may I help you?” she asked, her signature smile firmly in place. When she recognized Starscream, her expression quickly turned to surprise. “Oh! Starscream!”

“Hello, Meld,” Starscream responded politely.

“You ran out the other day! Is everything alright?” Meld was worried about him? She didn’t even know him! Maybe it was just some sort of common decency or something.

“I’m fine, I assure you,” Starscream answered. He wasn’t lying; he actually felt pretty good. “I would just like to speak with Rung, if you could connect me to him.”

Meld’s audials twitched. “C-certainly!” The femme typed a few things into her console. “The line is set! I’ll switch you over!”

“Thank you.”

“Of course! And, Starscream?”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad you’re doing well,” Meld said warmly.

Starscream smiled back at her. “Thank you, Meld.”

“I’ll connect you to Rung now,” she said, pressing a button, and ending their conversation. A basic loading screen of color and shape filled the void after the disconnection.

Starscream took yet another deep vent. He could do this. He _would_ do this. It seemed this miracle drug made him more confident as well. Starscream was not about to complain. A few moments passed before the face of a bespectacled orange and white mech appeared before him.

“This is Rung, how may I help you?”

Starscream’s wings rose in the time it took him to get himself together. “This is Starscream. I had an appointment with you yesterday.”

Rung looked surprised a moment before observing the screen more closely. “Oh, yes, Starscream,” he said, more to himself, “How may I help you?” he repeated.

“I just wanted to inform you that I have found a new method of treating myself. It’s, ah, at home, and…” Starscream stopped himself from rubbing the back of his neck in nervousness, instead gripping the control panel, which Rung couldn’t see. “It’s been quite effective in reducing my anxiety. Social gatherings and discussion help, it seems.”

Starscream felt so much more confident in his words, more confident in himself. It was truly wonderful. Rung didn’t mean anything to him, so lying was nothing. It was easy, painless, even. He couldn’t have this whole thing coming back on him. Optimus needed to know he was doing fine.

Rung observed him a moment before smiling slightly. “I am glad you are doing well, Starscream. Should you ever need me, though, I am only a comm away.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

The comm then disconnected completely, leaving a blank screen – save for the Autobot logo – behind. Starscream had covered his tracks, for now. He reasoned that as long as Optimus is happy that he was doing better, everything would be fine. Maybe now, they could better focus on restoring Cybertron together, regardless of what other naysaying Autobots might contest.

Starscream walked away from the console with his helm held high. Rung would have no reason to call back, and Optimus would only be satisfied that Starscream’s own mental health was in check. Though, the seeker remembered that he would need to contact Steve to let him know how his medication was doing. Starscream physically acknowledged this thought with a nod. So, Starscream reached the side of his helm to activate his personal comm-link this time; the drone’s number now marred into his processors. He waited only a few moments before Steve answered, to which Starscream immediately declared, “It works!”

“W-what?” Steve asked, almost unsure who he was talking to.

“The pill!” Starscream answered, utterly elated, “I feel amazing!”

“Oh!” the drone exclaimed, putting comm number and explanation together. “That’s great! That mean you want more?”

“Yes! I need more of these.”

“I’m glad they work for you. Can you meet me tonight? Same place?”

Starscream felt his wings flutter at the idea, but ceased when he remembered he had some very important things to attend to. “Sorry, I have plans.”

“Oh,” Steve said, disappointment evident in his voice. “Well, what about tomorrow night?”

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Good! I’ll see ya then!”

The comms disconnected.

Starscream grinned to himself. The pill worked. He didn’t need Rung OR therapy. Steve’s miracle pill was enough! It cut out so much work, and Starscream was glad for it. Everything was going to be alright after all.

Until his wonderful mate came home, though, he’d still need to pass the remainder of his time. The domicile was completely clean and borderline sparkling. ... Sparkling. That sounded nice, iddn't it? Starscream figured he may as well finish the novel again. After all, he'd need his energy for his beloved spark-mate.

 

* * *

 

Optimus had reached his home via ground-bridge yet again on a late night. He sighed to himself on another intense meeting on what should be done about Megatron’s ever-fervent followers. Optimus had elected they be up for rehabilitation, so that they may reintegrate into their blossoming society. The population grew little by little, and the eventual enlightenment of the Decepticons contributed.

Reaching the door, Optimus thought it better to not bring work home with him. It didn’t do well for him or Starscream. The Prime crossed the threshold, turning to quickly lock it behind him before he felt arms around his waist. His normal reaction would have been to pull a weapon, but at home with his mate, he could only relax.

“Optimus.”

“Starscream,” Optimus said back, fully locking the door and turning to face said mech. “I missed you.”

“Missed you,” Starscream murmured before grabbing Optimus’ helm and pulling it down to meet his in a fierce kiss.

The two held one another, glossas dueling in greeting before Optimus pulled back, “Is there something you want, love?” he asked, almost playfully.

“There’s plenty I want,” Starscream said, reconnecting lips and pulling Optimus to their bedroom.

Starscream lowered his wings, this time in submission rather than mood change; still he kept Optimus connected by their lips as they stopped at the foot of the berth. Starscream eventually managed to pull away from his mate long enough to get to his knees, instead kissing Optimus’ heated codpiece. Optimus let out an appreciative sigh, reaching a servo down to stroke the sweeping planes and edges of the seeker’s helm. Starscream peered up at Optimus, red optics meeting blue, Starscream whined softly and wiggled his wings cutely. “Are you going to keep me waiting?” he pouted.

“My apologies,” Optimus said with a soft smile. He waited just long enough for Starscream to move his helm back before letting his panel fold away, putting his fully pressurized spike on display.

Starscream grinned and immediately took the always impressive length in hand, giving it a few strokes and rubbing his thumb over the leaking slit. “So excited for me already?” he teased.

“Always,” Optimus whispered, gently pushing his hips into his mate’s servo.

Starscream’s entire frame gave a pleased shudder. He would never tire of feeling desired and wanted. He let go of Optimus’ spike, instead dipping his helm down to lick from the base of the shaft slowly until he reached the head. Starscream felt Optimus brace himself on his shoulders as the lithe mech took the tip of the Prime’s spike mouth, taking one hard, deliberate suck before downing more of it: halfway, the whole length soon after. Starscream quickly found his rhythm as he gripped his mate’s hips for leverage, his helm bobbing on the thick spike. Above him, Starscream reveled in the deep, wonderful tones escaping Optimus’ vocalizer, the grip on his shoulders tightening. It bordered on painful, but it mingled so well with the pleasure that Starscream couldn’t be bothered to care.

“Starscream…”

Starscream moaned around Optimus’ spike upon hearing his designation, but forced himself to pull away, if just for a moment. “Close already?”

“Getting there.”

“Good,” Starscream said, placing a kiss on the head of the spike before getting to his pedes, replacing his lips over Optimus’. He couldn’t stop the moment as it happened even if he wanted to; all he wanted to do was feel close to his mate. Starscream held tight to Optimus as he pulled him back on the berth with him, and Optimus did not resist. The seeker had almost never felt as intimate as he was now. “I love you.”

Optimus smiled. Though exhausted from his day, Starscream still beckoned him in his need, and Optimus was glad to oblige. “I love you, too,” he said.

The two basked in the moment before their lips reconnected, Optimus’ hips pushing into Starscream’s in desire, in permission. Starscream’s valve panel opened and immediately pressed against Optimus’ spike, still wet from oral fluid, making the both of them gasp. Optimus slid his spike between the puffy folds of Starscream’s valve before placing it at the seeker’s entrance. He looked into Starscream’s optics with question, but his mate answered him as if he was reading his mind.

“Yes. Frag me,” Starscream said with utmost certainty, wrapping his long legs around Optimus’ waist, attempting to pull him in.

“Good,” Optimus said, immediately pushing his spike into Starscream’s valve, making the other moan brokenly.

Optimus wasted no time picking a quick rhythm. He’d had a rough day, he wanted to get off, and his bond-mate was more than willing to receive. Optimus would never use Starscream, but everything just felt wonderful when they both needed to let off that steam. They were both mentally exhausted, burning off the physical side just helped even it out.

Optimus felt thicker than usual today, Starscream marveled. He was fine with this, of course. The delicious stretch just meant that Optimus wanted him, that he was all that mattered; that he was beautiful and worthy of desire. Starscream dug his claws into the seams into Optimus’ back, pulling him closer to him so that they were nearly spark-to-spark. Optimus returned the gesture with his strong servos bracing the seeker’s back, between his wings. Steam rose from their frames, condensation dripping as their moans escalated in their love-making.

“I love you!” Starscream cried.

“I love you, too,” Optimus muttered into his mate’s neck, picking up his thrusts. One servo moved to Starscream’s lower back to get a better angle for his spike, ensuring he hit the sweetest of spots. He knew he did once Starscream arched into him, slender legs gripped his hips, wet squelching and a high-pitched whine gracing his audials. Yes, Optimus knew how to hit all the right spots in Starscream’s valve, and it brought the Prime toward the edge himself. Optimus groaned as he felt Starscream’s velvety walls clench his spike like a vice, signaling the seeker’s release as lubricant splashed against him. Optimus followed quickly, as he usually did, filling Starscream to the brim with transfluid as he held his mate close.

Starscream was in utter euphoria: the combination of an overload and medication buzzing around his processors. There were no more intruding thoughts. Nothing could ruin this moment. Everything was a beautiful haze of swirling color. Though he couldn’t quite see straight, he managed to form the meaningful words, “I love you SO much,” before almost giggling to himself.

Optimus thought nothing nefarious about it, only that Starscream may finally be free from his demons. He planted a kiss on the seeker’s lips before returning the “I love you, too.”

This was how life should be: Nothing but happiness and post-coital bliss. The two lay side by side, holding one another close, too caught up in the moment to separate.

Starscream was happy. More importantly, he thought, Optimus was happy. It didn’t matter how it was managed or how they got here. Everything was perfect. And for the first time in many, many years, Starscream truly loved his life, and nothing was about to ruin it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stayed up late to get this one done... I had planned on posting earlier in the day, but opted not to, then added more. It's been an adventure.
> 
> Comments and crits always welcome.


	7. Chapter 7

Optimus woke from recharge far more pleasantly than he had in months. He felt refreshed, relaxed… happy. He looked to his sleeping mate and couldn’t help but smile. They’d both slept through the night; no nightmares to wake them, no late nights to keep them away from one another. They just had each other for the whole night with no interruptions, and it felt like the most wonderful luxury in the world that they didn’t even need to buy.

It was most unfortunate the Autobots wanted yet another early meeting so that they could further discuss the Decepticons’ rehabilitation and reintegration into society.

Optimus made an effort to get out of bed without rousing Starscream, but he would have no such luck. As he backed off the edge of the berth, he heard his mate vocalize his displeasure.

“Where are you going?” Starscream mumbled, peeking one optic open.

“Early meeting, love,” Optimus answered, an almost imperceptible edge of regret to his voice.

“Bah.” Starscream finally sat up and rubbed his optics a time or two. Optimus was standing beside the berth, almost as if he didn’t want to leave. Starscream voiced his approval with a throaty noise and scooted to the edge of the bed, a sheet still clinging to him, as he wrapped lengthy arms around Optimus’ waist. Optimus returned his gesture with a servo behind the seeker’s neck and shoulders. “How long will you be?”

“I am uncertain. We are still assigning tasks to stray Vehicons we believe to be ready to reintegrate into our growing society. Others will require a more formal reeducation beforehand.”

Starscream hummed, pulling Optimus close. It was such a ridiculous reason to disappear so soon, but part of him knew it was for the better. Cybertron needed as much help as it could get, even if it was from insignificant drones. “ _Fine_ ,” Starscream sighed dramatically.

“You will allow it this time?” Optimus chuckled.

“I suppose. But… I’d like to give you a parting gift,” Starscream said deviously, his index claw slowly dragging down the Prime’s codpiece, “before you go.”

Optimus’ vents hitched, “Is that so?”

“It is,” Starscream stated plainly as he started kissing silver paneling until it slid back, revealing his most desired treat.

. . .

Even after parting from his mate, Starscream easily remained upbeat, setting to clean the apartment again. Though, there wasn’t much left, as he’d deep-cleaned every room the day prior. Soon he grew bored and grabbed another novel from the half-empty shelf and read it yet again. This one was a story about finding love in the most unexpected of places in some fantasy world where the possibilities for anyone were endless. Even for someone like him. Though Starscream wasn’t one for any type of romance, he found himself growing particularly fond of this one. It seemed ridiculous, but he felt himself getting warm and fuzzy with every line in spite of that.

But eventually, the seeker grew antsy the longer he read and decided he needed to spread his wings for a bit. Optimus wouldn’t mind. He never did.

Starscream set out on a flight to nowhere in particular; simply feeling the wind on his wings, the complete freedom the sky brought him when he sought it out. The air was good to him.

Cybertron was slowly being rebuilt by efforts from both Autobots and Decepticons and it bordered on surreal. Starscream never thought he’d see such a day, especially so soon. They had a reasonably-sized town built, mostly familiar establishments refurbished, a few shadier businesses went up with them, though with a closer optic on them.

Still, Starscream flew over as much land as he pleased and so rarely did he feel so free before. A left bank here, an aileron roll there, he had as much freedom as he needed. Starscream found himself thinking back before the war. He remembered living in Vos, that magnificent city of jewels and cloud-reaching towers. He’d even been fortunate enough to live in one of the far loftier penthouses as an elite energon seeker. Starscream was certainly a privileged mech, but had the skill and cunning to back it as well. Then, he thought back to his former trinemates he shared his lovely abode with: Thundercracker and Skywarp. Though they were each grating in their own rights, both were still very affectionate and loving in private.

Even once the war started, they stayed together, worked together, fought, and interfaced together. It wasn’t long after that they’d taken charge of a moon base containing dark energon and they had to ensure it didn’t fall into the wrong servos.

And then… the trine met Megatron, the notorious leader of the Decepticons.

The time the three had spent on the bland base had been incredibly mundane until this bold mech appeared. He’d stormed them with ease with a scant few others with him and almost instantly, Starscream was enamored with him. Starscream even wanted to _join_ this mech and his ragtag crew. It was downright absurd, and his trinemates immediately voiced their disapproval. Megatron was obviously not to be trusted even as he asked for all three seekers’ allegiance, and if Starscream wanted to go, Thundercracker and Skywarp were sure to follow. Regardless of the moon base being lost, Thundercracker argued about the mere possibility of breaking up the trine and the sort of harm it would cause if they did. Skywarp, however, was more hurt and angry that Starscream was choosing some power-hungry warlord over them and had to force out every indignant word through bitter tears. Starscream’s spark ached for his mates, but tried to assure them, this was purely a ploy to take power and together, they would guide the Decepticons themselves. It was a temporary separation for something bigger than their trine to lead to something grander, for their greater good.

That was the very catalyst that changed Starscream’s life forever, and to this day, he regretted it entirely. The seeker didn’t think that such a decision would lead him to his current bond-mate, but rather, that by choosing to join the Decepticons against his trinemates’ wishes, he’d chosen thousands of long years being berated, used, and abused by the very mech he swore he’d overthrow. All of Starscream’s feeling of admiration for Megatron was quickly replaced by bitterness and anger, fear and revenge. He HATED the monstrous warlord and yet… Starscream never left, at least before they were essentially trapped on Earth. He’d been separated from Skywarp and Thundercracker not long after they joined the Decepticons, but Starscream remained focused on overthrowing Megatron. He never returned to his mates and they may not even be _functioning_ anymore for all he knew, and it was all because of his one decision. _His_ fault.

Starscream’s formerly-fluid movements as well as his vents quickly became jittery and uneven. His pleasant memories quickly spiraled downward and his once-optimistic attitude was completely shattered in an instant. Starscream forced himself to land on a convenient building below him where he immediately started to pace. Why did his mood change so quickly? This had never happened before and Starscream would be lying if he said it wasn’t the least bit unnerving.

Was this because of the pill? How could it be? The thing gave him hope, happiness, energy: everything he needed, including Optimus’ praise. Surely this hitch was caused because he hadn’t taken another in far more than a day and it was losing its effect. That was it, Starscream thought, and it could be easily remedied.

Though it was a few hours away from their scheduled meeting time, Starscream hoped Steve wouldn’t mind meeting earlier. The seeker pressed a claw to his comm-link.

/Yeah?/

“Steve, it’s Starscream. Do you think we could meet early?” Starscream asked, tapping a heel on the roof, “Now, perhaps?”

/Uh, y-yeah, sure!/ Steve answered, suddenly sounding much brighter. /I don’t live far, so I’ll be there in a few, okay?/

“Good. Thank you.” Starscream disconnected the comm before Steve could get a word in. It bothered him how anxious he felt, even though he knew help would be there soon. He allowed himself to pace a bit to try and burn off some of the anxiety before picking up his flying again as he made his way back to the familiar, shady bar.

Luckily, Steve didn’t arrive too long after Starscream did. The Eradicon transformed and landed to meet his former superior. “Hey!” he greeted.

“Hey,” Starscream said with a  bit of force.

“Good to see ya again. Shall we?” Steve asked, holding open the door for them.

Starscream said nothing as he walked in. Steve seemed to ignore his politeness being shirked as he followed.

Not long after entering the building, the bartender turned to them. Upon recognizing Starscream, he immediately pointed at him. “YOU!” he shouted, getting the attention of the few bots that were there.

Starscream froze, his wings dropped as he stared at the angry mech. Did he actually remember who he was? He started to form a question before the fuming bartender cut in with more vitriol.

“Filthy ‘Con! You didn’t pay your tab last time!”

Starscream was about to argue that he did, but he actually didn’t remember paying it at all. Frag.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Steve said, walking by Starscream and up to the raging barmech, handing him a card. “I got enough to cover it.”

The burly, purple mech looked at the card, then over at Starscream, and back to Steve. “Okay, fine. I ain’t givin’ you no second chances next time, ya hear?” he stated, pointing at Starscream again.

“Open another tab. Me and him,” Steve said, sparing a glance back at the seeker.

“You got it.”

Steve thanked the mech, then gestured for Starscream to follow him over to their seats.

Starscream sat next to the drone, at a loss for words for the generosity and kindness he was just shown. And to think he didn’t even believe the drones to be sentient. He sat his servos on the counter, gently scratching the surface as he muttered, “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem, really.”

Though Starscream truly did appreciate what Steve did, he was no less tense. He really just wanted to get more of those pills and go home. But Steve clearly wanted his company with the promise of high-grade before them. Starscream, again, would just have to be patient.

“So, pill really worked, huh?” Steve asked. Two large mugs of fluorescent green liquid was set before them, each flier taking one.

Starscream swirled the brew around before downing a quarter of it. His wings twitched with the bitter taste. “Yes. You have more, right?”

“Well yeah. I mean it’s not like you only came out here to see me, right?” Steve joked. Starscream shot him a sideways glance – a glare, rather – before returning to his drink. The drone cleared his throat, failing at his attempt to lighten Starscream’s mood. “Anyway. Yeah.” Steve took a few sips of his own beverage before discreetly moving one servo under the counter and pulling out an entire bottle with a torn off label of familiar white pills from his subspace. “All yours.”

Starscream’s optics widened. “The whole thing?”

“Yeah, why not?” Steve shrugged.

Starscream was not expecting so much after only trying the one tablet. Why would Steve just give him all this all of a sudden? “You don’t need them?”

“Still got part of another one at home I’m still takin’.”

“What’s the catch?”

“The catch is you gotta feel better,” Steve answered, making another miserable attempt at joking.

Starscream placed a servo over his face in irritation. “ _I mean_ ,” he growled, “what do you want for all of this?”

Steve pondered the question a moment, sipping his high-grade and quietly rolling the small bottle in his hand. “I’ll let you know when I think of something,” he said, holding out the container for Starscream to take, looking about the room to make sure no one was watching.

Starscream remained wary but took the bottle anyway, putting it in his subspace. “You know I have plenty of money that I could just pay you with right now, don’t you?”

“Eh, I don’t need it. I got plenty from before the war, and I make a little now doing some construction work with your Wrecker friends.”

“What?” Starscream asked. Steve must have been talking about Bulkhead and Wheeljack. “They are _not_ my friends.”

“Oh. Well I just thought with you being with the Prime-“

“Well they’re not, alright?!” Starscream growled. Other bots were starting to look again. Starscream chose to busy himself with his drink again. Optimus was the only Autobot Starscream could call his friend. Though, Ratchet didn’t seem so bad.

“S-sorry. I didn’t mean to assume.”

Starscream sighed. “It’s fine.”

“Alright...”

An almost-palpable tension passed over them even after the shared apologies. Starscream needed to break it. “Does this medication have any side effects I should know about?”

Steve nearly sputtered on his drink. “Uh, yeah,” he coughed. “Like… they can keep you pretty happy for a while, but you also might start feeling down, too, in the same day. But even if that happens, still just take the one a day, got it?”

“What about when I run out?”

“Well, that bottle should last you about a month, so you won’t have to worry about that for a bit.”

“But when I _do_?”

“Then just let me know. I still see a shrink now and again, it ain’t hard to get more,” Steve chuckled. “Just take those for now and let me know how it goes.”

“That’s it?” Starscream was still suspicious, but the fact that he had a month’s worth of medication kept him more on the upswing.

“Yeah, that’s it. Jeez, you make it sound like you don’t trust me,” Steve said, once again returning to his drink.

Starscream didn’t respond. He trusted Steve to a very small extent. The Eradicon didn’t seem to have any ulterior motives, always seemed happy to be around him, and just gave him an entire bottle of medication, asking nothing in return. At least for now he wasn’t. But Starscream assumed that once Steve decided to call his tab, he’d have no problem paying the drone back. Starscream would handle it later, but for the time being, he absolutely needed these wonderful pills. Now that he had them, his anxiety returned, this time to hurry him out of the bar. Starscream allowed it this time. “I appreciate this.”

“Huh?”

“The tab, the drink, and especially the medication,” Starscream clarified.

“Oh! Yeah, it’s no problem, like I said,” Steve said, waving his servo.

“Good. I’ll, ah, let you know when I’m out. So,” Starscream stood from his chair, leaving his half-empty glass on the counter, “I’ll see you then.”

“Yeah, see ya. Glad they work out for ya.”

Starscream nodded, avoiding the look the barmech was giving him again and exiting through the front door, immediately taking flight. He had what he wanted and could deal with the consequences – whatever they may be – when they came. For now, all that was important was that he and Optimus were happy, and that’s how he planned to keep it, at all costs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a challenge, especially deciding to go into Starscream's past. If you like it, great. If not, tell me why.
> 
> Comments and crits always welcome.


	8. Chapter 8

Starscream had spent the next two weeks in happiness and bliss. He loved every aspect of his life and he felt as if absolutely nothing could hold him down, even if it wanted to. It was the most wonderful feeling in the universe and Starscream would be eternally grateful to Steve and his magical pills for helping see this through. Starscream used his alone days as he liked, whether it was reading, cleaning, or even dancing around the living room. Days when Optimus was home, interfacing was his activity of choice and the idea of sparklings was becoming more appealing, even though he never voiced it. He was a happy mech. Finally, after a millennia-long war and abuse that came with it. Long gone were the days of failure, of insults, of being tossed around and hurt, where he could die any day. He only had days of positivity and love ahead of him, along with seeing the full restoration of Cybertron.

On no particular day did Starscream decide to go with Optimus to a meeting. It had been awhile, so he wanted to join. Surely with his new-found optimism, he could offer the best of suggestions. Optimus was only too glad to have him.

Upon arriving to the place – probably once a recreation center – Ultra Magnus was outside to greet them, though foremost to stand watch. Just in case, of course. “Good to see you again, sir,” he greeted Optimus. “Starscream,” he said, giving a curt nod toward the seeker.

Starscream nodded back. There were only a select few Autobots he took issue with, and Magnus was not one of them. It was a good thing, since he was surely one of the most formidable of the lot.

They entered the building and almost immediately Bumblebee came up to Optimus to discuss new ideas for the more stubborn drones. It was more of a defragmentation - so that the drones were practically clean slates - that he suggested, but with fewer and kinder words. Starscream looked to him with an almost questioning glare, as his view on the Eradicons and Vehicons had changed recently. Bumblebee only focused on Optimus. Ever since the scout had snuffed Megatron, he usually tried to avoid optic contact with Starscream, regardless of how the seeker felt on the matter. Optimus listened patiently, but urged Bumblebee to bring it up at the meeting, where others would be present and they could discuss it as one. While the young mech concurred, he kept throwing additional ideas and details at the Prime as fast as he could vocalize them. It seemed that ever since the scout got his voice back, he never wanted to stop using it.

Starscream felt rather excluded from the conversation, so he remained just behind his mate, partially listening to the discussion and also observing the corridor; the windows were boarded up, having long-since been abandoned, voices echoed in the room as if they were screaming. Starscream felt almost haunted by everything, causing him to idly scratch at his plating. It was a lucky break that Ratchet happened to walk in with Ultra Magnus just behind him. He had some things to discuss with the medic anyway. Starscream met Ratchet halfway down the hall, at a decent distance away from his mate and the chattering scout. “Ratchet,” he said flatly.

“Hello, Starscream,” Ratchet greeted, letting the larger mech pass him to join Optimus. “Rung tells me you’ve found an alternate means to counseling. Has it been working out for you?”

“Ah, yes, I have,” Starscream said, almost automatically. “I finally have a, uh, support system that keeps me… positive.” The seeker offered a seemingly innocent grin that he hoped would do away with any doubt Ratchet may have in him. If Ratchet remained free of suspicion, Optimus would as well. “I feel much better,” he assured.

“Glad to hear,” Ratchet said. “Optimus had been quite worried about you. He was relieved when you finally asked for help. Though, I must admit, even I was concerned when I heard you had just walked out the day of your appointment.”

“Y-you know about that?” Starscream asked, shrinking back.

“I do. I run the clinic, after all.” Ratchet eyed Starscream in an almost accusing manner, but kept his tone neutral like a true professional. “Which is why I find it odd that you were suddenly fine the next day.”

Starscream’s optics darted the room as if they were marking every edge of it to commit to memory as he thought up a decent excuse to feed to the medic. “Well, you see, I happened across a few former comrades in the war. We talked for some time and realized we had a lot in common in terms of, ah, mental issues. They’ve been immensely helpful,” Starscream explained. He was amazed with himself as he spun this tale with only half-truths. “Optimus is a wonderful mate, but his assistance can only extend so far. These dro- _Vehicons_ really understand me, and what it was like to serve under someone like Megatron.”

Ratchet searched the seeker’s optics for doubt as he took in the explanation. Starscream seemed genuine in his reasoning for abandoning his appointment with a proper psychiatrist, which could still offer him assistance. But so long as he was getting help, it would mean less strain on him as well as Optimus. “I see. That would explain why Arcee found that you had been spending time with them,” Ratchet said more to himself than Starscream.

Starscream’s optics suddenly turned hyper-focused on Ratchet, paranoia beginning to creep in on his processors. “She’s been watching me?”

“Not _you_ specifically, but like the rest of us, she has been tracking the drones to make sure they remain within the boundaries we have set,” Ratchet said, curious in Starscream’s sudden question.

“O-oh. Of course.” Starscream found slight comfort in breaking optic contact with the medic, if only to ensure he didn’t give himself away.

“Is something amiss?”

“No! I just,” Starscream paused to consider his next words carefully. “Optimus claimed he was the only one responsible for me. I would _hate_ for anyone to betray his trust by trying to spy on his spark-mate.” Starscream smirked subtly at the older mech, almost daring him to deny that any of the Autobots would do such a heinous thing.

Ratchet observed Starscream a few moments longer, mulling over the response and deciding the snarky seeker was only trying to provoke him. He wasn’t going to test that theory. “I am glad you have taken solace in others, Starscream, even if it isn’t just with Optimus,” he responded before moving along; Optimus, Ultra Magnus, and Bumblebee having long since left through the double-doors in front of them. “Well, let’s go. Shouldn’t keep them waiting.” Ratchet walked past Starscream and held open one of the doors for him.

Starscream started to smile – genuinely – until he remembered it was all a façade. He’d found his comfort from a drone by extension, but it was the little pill of joy that really did it all. Starscream nodded and walked in to the main room. There were several large windows with tattered curtains over them and a few, thin layers of sheet metals to cover them. In the center sat a large, rectangular table with a few chairs that sat Optimus, Arcee, Ultra Magnus, Bumblebee, and either Ratchet or himself. He stood awkwardly to the side as if waiting for something, or someone to tell him to sit down, but each Autobot talked to each other, amongst themselves. Not to him. Starscream suddenly felt horribly out of place, more so than usual. Ratchet took the last vacant chair, as the seeker had left it be. He stood to the corner of the room until it was called to meeting by Optimus.

“Starscream, please come join us,” the Prime beckoned, holding out a broad servo invitingly.

While Starscream previously wanted to curl in on himself, he strode over to his mate with his wings and helm held high as if he owned the place. With no chairs left though, he decided to stand adjacent to Optimus, servos resting on massive, red shoulders.

“Bulkhead and Wheeljack will not be joining us today, as they have several new recruits doing construction with them,” Ultra Magnus stated.

“That is good to hear,” Optimus replied, “The soldiers are doing well, I trust?”

“Some are more clumsy than others, as Bulkhead informs me. Thankfully, we have had no fatalities thus far. With their collective effort, they are having more of Cybertron rebuilt all the time with as many that join our cause.”

 “Duly noted,” Optimus replied. “Do we have any updates on Shockwave or Predaking?”

“Nothing on either, unfortunately, sir.”

“You STILL haven’t caught that vile beast?” Starscream asked, his claws digging into Optimus’ shoulder. He cared not about Shockwave, but he knew the Predacon had a vendetta against him; for all he knew, the thing could still be harboring a grudge. Who knows when it would decide to come after him?

Magnus nearly shot the seeker an annoyed glare, but managed to suppress it. “Though the creature appeared to have made itself at home on Cybertron, it is making itself scarce, maybe intentionally. We will continue to search for it regardless and contain it, if possible.”

“You think Predaking would listen to reason?” Bumblebee asked, “I mean Ratchet was able to convince him to turn on the ‘Cons, right?”

Ratchet nodded his answer, but added, “I was only able to do so because it was Megatron who had ordered the other Predacons to be destroyed. Without that leverage, I may not even be here today.”

“Well, still, maybe we could convince him to join us or something if we find him. He’s obviously done with the ‘Cons.”

“You CAN’T be serious!” Starscream snapped. Despite the range of looks he was receiving around the room, he continued, “That beast would eat me alive!”

“Did you do something to him?” Arcee asked, or perhaps accused.

“Nothing!” he lied, “Though I’m sure that’s something you’d hope for, isn’t it, Arcee?”

“Starscream,” Optimus warned, effectively cutting off Arcee’s retort.

Starscream still wanted to argue, his wings flaring at the femme’s disgustingly smug look after he was silenced. But as the pill was still doing its job quite nicely, he decided to quash his rage for the moment, instead trading it for false submission. Starscream lowered his wings, the grip on the Prime’s shoulder loosening just enough for it to seem pleading as the seeker timidly rested himself against his mate’s back. “I’m _so_ sorry, Optimus,” he whined, “I won’t do it again.” Starscream’s optics darted the room again to see the others in varying degrees of discomfort and annoyance. But if it pissed off Arcee, he didn’t care.

“Laying it on pretty thick, aren’t you?” she groaned.

Optimus disregarded her statement, even if he shared the same sentiment. “It is alright, Starscream, but we really must continue the discussion at hand.”

“I understand,” Starscream said, resting his helm on Optimus’ shoulder. He wasn’t quite done with his petty shots at Arcee, however. “Could I sit on your lap, darling? My legs are getting tired.” He bounced his weight back and forth on either leg for emphasis. “I promise I’ll behave.”

It was the Prime’s turn to scan the room. His Autobots seemed to be getting impatient by the delay in progress thanks to the squabble between his mate and his comrade. Though he didn’t exactly want to flaunt his relationship with Starscream, he needed the conversation to flow again, so he indulged the seeker’s request. “Very well. But please, no more arguments,” he requested, scooting his chair back from the table to make room.

Starscream’s wings fluttered as he immediately made himself comfortable, hiding an almost giddy smile as he heard Arcee groan again. He cuddled up to Optimus’ chassis as his mate moved back to his original position.

“Some of the drones could do with some medical training,” Ratchet said, making an effort to get back to business, “I have so few at my clinic and we never know when more Cybertronians will return. We need as many hands as we can get. Not only that, if we can get enough of them trained, we could start to rebuild the hospital as well.”

“Then we will redirect a few of them to learn,” Optimus agreed.

“Is there any word on those returning?” Starscream asked no one in particular.

“Not in the past several weeks,” Magnus answered, some regret evident in his voice. Seeing the seeker’s wings start to dip, he continued, “If I hear so much as a whisper of Skywarp or Thundercracker, you will be the first to know, Starscream.”

Starscream felt an inkling of embarrassment, as Ultra Magnus knew what exactly he was asking, having asked a few times previously, but was grateful the commander remembered his request and allowed his wings to return to their resting position. Until, unfortunately, Arcee decided she needed to chime in.

“You know you aren’t the only one who’s lost people, Starscream,” she spat. Arcee still had it out for him, he thought, and was always on edge whenever he was somehow forced to be around the wily femme.

“As you keep reminding me, Arcee, but I don’t expect you of all bots to understand what a trine means to a seeker and how devastating it can be to lose one,” Starscream shot back. He was taking a note from Thundercracker, but it was true all the same. Though he had a singular mate to call his own now, there were still a precious few others he cared about and wanted to see them home, see them well.

“To be honest, Starscream,” Arcee growled, “I DO know what it’s like to lose someone close to you, whether one might call them ‘mate’ or not.”

“See, Optimus? She still hates me!” Starscream stated to the Prime, pointing at the blue two-wheeler.

“Because you killed Cliffjumper!”

“And you nearly killed _me_!”

“Enough!” Optimus commanded. The whole room went into a shocked silence. This wasn’t the first time he’d had to cut between his comrade and his mate, though it had never been quite this bad; they had their grudges with one another and he refused to allow them to air it out at their meetings. Or at all. Seeing either of them hurt was the last thing the Prime wanted, but he had to put a stop to this absurd bickering, so he decided to act on the one thing that would do so. Optimus picked up Starscream and immediately placed him at a standing position next to him before rising himself. “Come with me,” he said only to Starscream, and began to walk out of the room.

Starscream’s wings angled down, but this time his optics only stayed focused on Optimus. “But-“

“Now, Starscream.”

The seeker followed Optimus out, avoiding the troubled looks of the Autobots behind him, back into the hallway they’d entered from. As short of a walk as it was, Starscream’s processors raced wondering what Optimus was going to do to him because of his childish behavior. All he could draw conclusions from were ways he used to be punished for any transgression so long ago: verbal humiliation, physical beatings, being pinned against a wall and-

Starscream subconsciously shut the door behind him, interrupting his ill-gotten comparison. He looked to his mate and almost shrunk himself down at the anger in Optimus’ optics. “What did I do wrong?”

“We cannot continue having these shouting matches between you and Arcee,” Optimus said, looking away as he continued, “It would be best if you went home for today.”

That response wasn’t anger at all. It was _disappointment_. “W-what? But she started it!” Starscream tried to argue.

“Please, Starscream. I will continue the discussion with you later and ensure you are caught up.”

Starscream felt betrayed by his mate. He was taking Arcee’s side again! How could he?! Starscream found himself backing away toward the exit, holding his servos to his chest. His spark was swirling frantically in its casing. “Fine. I know when I’m not wanted,” he said, then marching angrily from the building, transforming, and flying off. Optimus didn’t stop him.

The jet made his way home as fast as his thrusters would take him, never stopping for any reason, even his own trampled feelings. Starscream switched to his root mode seamlessly and entered the small domicile he and Optimus called home. He paced about the living room, clawing at his helm in anger. He hated being blamed for everything, that he was the problem. Optimus may not have physically or even mentally abused him, but pushing Starscream out the door instead of Arcee made him feel lower today than he had been in weeks.

Starscream stopped his pacing in an effort to collect his thoughts. He still had his medication, but he’d already taken a pill earlier when he rose from recharge. Though, he didn’t want to be angry the rest of the day, especially at his mate, even if it was for a perfectly good reason. So, Starscream made the bold decision to take the bottle from his subspace where he kept it, removing a single pill and downing it dry. What harm could one more little pill do?

Within minutes he was back on his little cloud of happiness.

Minutes after that, Starscream decided that Steve didn’t know what he was talking about, and made the decision not to join anymore meetings, as his latest fallout with Arcee was a mess. It was that evening when Optimus returned home that he even recommended Starscream give it some time. After apologizing, of course. Feeling back on top again, Starscream immediately forgave him and even dragged his mate to the bedroom afterward.

Without the prospect of talking business with the Autobots for the time being, Starscream could take the time to go his own way. The medication just provided a perpetual happiness that Starscream would enjoy, and he held control over all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think each chapter keeps getting progressively longer. This one took quite a bit of editing.
> 
> Comments and crits always welcome.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter where I kindly ask you to heed the tags from here on out.

Starscream transformed and boarded the Nemesis. For some reason, he couldn’t remember what he’d just been doing. He shook his helm and walked inside, taking note of the oddly saturated green and purple hues of the sky. He could have sworn they were still on Earth, but the atmosphere had never shown such color.

During his aimless venture, Starscream kept hearing the drones talk amongst themselves of something very odd… Of someone else being named second in command and how weird it had been but they welcomed the change anyway. Starscream felt an immediate bristle of anger about these conversations and cut into one of the groups of drones discussing it. “What are you chattering on about?”

“N-nothing!” one of them said.

“Nothing about your demotion,” one of them snickered under their vents.

The lot of them trotted away like a bunch of school-bitlets. They were gossiping about Starscream, about their commander! But… “demotion”? When did this happen, and more importantly, why wasn’t he informed if HE was the one being demoted? Starscream could think of no conceivable reason that such a thing would happen. Not until he passed more herds of drones snickering to themselves. The seeker felt very on-edge. It was annoying, as it was around the meaningless drones that roamed the hall, that were cannon-fodder to be thrown to the Autobots. Starscream had to get to the meaning of this.

Starscream set his course to the main control room, where Megatron directed his troops. His leader would have the answer to these absurd rumors. Yes, rumors. That was all they were. Starscream made his way through the maze of hallways to the control deck, but he just felt like he was going in circles, losing himself in identical corridor after identical corridor. The seeker quickly became frustrated with his lack of progress enough that he started to panic. He’d traveled every hall of this ship a million times, he should NOT be getting lost!

His anxiety turned to shock when he saw a blurry but unmistakable flash of black and purple around a corner.

Skywarp!?

Starscream chased the blur, calling its name, but the lines of color never responded, only moved forward. The frantic seeker chased it to where it disappeared through a door, and it led to the med-bay. The door slid open and inside, he saw the back of Knock Out between the legs of a writhing drone who was strapped to a medical berth by his servos, his legs bound open and apart. Starscream would have thought it was only the medic’s usual depravity at work, but he would be wrong. The drone was screaming and babbling incoherently and gripping the sides of the medical berth he was made to lay upon. Starscream’s optics focused on the scene, but his frame wanted to make a hasty exit. His optics won out.

“Make it stop! Please! It hurts! It hurts so fragging much!” the drone cried.

“Easy now, you’re almost done,” Knock Out said, his servos gliding along trembling thighs in an effort to calm the frantic drone. “You just need to push for me, okay?”

“I didn’t ask for this! I don’t want it!” the mech screamed, “Get it out of me!!”

Starscream held his servo over his mouth, his optics wide in utmost horror as he realized what was happening.

The drone was in labor.

Starscream backed out of the med-bay, servo still over his face, but the other ghosted over his midsection. He tried not to give it anymore thought as the door closed in front of him. With Skywarp completely forgotten, he quickly made his way back down the long corridor toward his original mission.

Only walking a minute more, he swore he’d seen another hazy figure, this time a very specific shade of blue. Starscream immediately followed it and like the black and purple blur before it, called out its name as well, only to receive nothing in return. The silver seeker grew frustrated again as he chased it around a corner. The blue haze disappeared like the one before it after bringing Starscream through another door, this time leading to the flight deck. On it, he met with Shockwave, who was lounging on a coiled-up Predaking in his proper beast mode and petting the atrocious creature quite fondly. Starscream shuddered, Thundercracker completely slipped from his mind. “Shockwave,” he greeted the violet mech. Predaking immediately locked its optics on Starscream and growled lowly.

“Starscream,” Shockwave greeted back, servo still stroking the muzzle of the beast.

“What is this talk I keep hearing of me being replaced?” Starscream asked. Like himself, the mad scientist was a high-ranking officer and therefore would have heard of something so important.

“Starscream, you were replaced months ago,” Shockwave sighed. “I understand that you are still upset, but it was only logical that I become your successor.”

“ _You_?!”

“Yes.”

Starscream shook with anger. Again, _why_ hadn’t he heard about this, and apparently months after it happened?! “Why has no one told me?!”

“You were informed in front of the entire ship in a ceremonial fashion where I was named second in command. If you continue to forget, perhaps it is best to see Knock Out for repairs?” Shockwave suggested. Still he petted the vile beast before him and still the creature bore holes into the seeker with its optics, despite Shockwave’s affectionate treatment. “Megatron still requires you to be in good health for your new position.”

“I- Er, yes, certainly,” Starscream agreed, regardless of understanding or not, then backed away from the master and pet, back into the ship. He didn’t remember any such ceremony and yet it had happened, denouncing him as second-in-command and into… what, exactly? What was this “new position” Shockwave was talking about? Starscream was determined to find out, and so he continued to trace the hallways to the main deck.

As Starscream strode along the path he remembered to the command room, the hallways seemed less identical. Instead, they almost seemed to point him in the right direction as the walls began to degrade around him; beams, the ceiling, and strangest of all, the color dripped away from its foundation around him the closer he got to his destination. Starscream ignored it as if it were a common happening and kept walking. Nothing was going to stop him from finding out why he was demoted, removed from Lord Megatron’s most trusted position. It was the only thing that mattered right now.

Starscream finally arrived at the door of the main deck. The door quickly liquefied around his heels and flowed down the hall in waves of color. Despite the minor startling, Starscream remained firm in his conviction to talk with Megatron about this alleged demotion and stepped through the now-empty threshold.

Megatron was at his usual spot that oversaw the entire room, but Soundwave was with him and at various points about the room were the usual drones. Despite the large number of extras, Megatron and Soundwave seemed involved in a very… intimate conversation with how close they were, practically wrapped around one another. Neither noticed the door that dissolved itself, the color starting to disappear from the room, or Starscream’s deliberately heavy footsteps as he entered. They only saw each other. It made Starscream sick.

“Forgive the intrusion, _Lord_ Megatron, but we need to talk,” Starscream demanded, making minimal effort to bow.

It took the warlord a few, painfully slow seconds to tear his attention away from Soundwave, but as he looked over the slender mech’s shoulder at Starscream, he only held contempt. “What is it, Starscream?” Megatron asked, servos still roaming Soundwave’s frame, the spy’s returning in kind.

Starscream fought his urge to shrink away from the glare, instead pushing forth with his inquiry; “Why am I the last to know that you’ve demoted me?! Why am _I_ demoted? Me! Have I not been loyal to you, Master?”

Megatron stopped molesting his communications chief just long enough to let out a dramatic, over-the-top laugh. “Loyal? _You_ , Starscream?” Megatron asked, though not even to get an answer to such a rhetorical question. He shoved Soundwave to the side effortlessly as if he meant nothing, the smaller mech not making a sound as he was thrown to the ground. Starscream almost felt sorry for him, but his cowardice finally broke through as Megatron approached him. “It seems your processors are more heavily damaged than I thought. Allow me to remind you for the hundredth time…”

Starscream backed away from the imposing mech, into the door that had reformed itself after dissolving. Suddenly he had nowhere to go. The room around them seemed to get darker, yet still harsher shadows were cast over Megatron. It wasn’t long until his master was all Starscream saw; there was no fallen Soundwave or drones wandering about. Megatron was upon him in a second, his presence alone keeping Starscream frozen against the wall. “R-remind me?”

Megatron’s answer didn’t come as verbal. Instead, he used one servo to grab Starscream’s leg and hoist it up, almost painfully high. The other easily ripped off his valve panel, making the seeker yelp. Megatron’s massive spike pressurized from its housing before Starscream finally started sputtering objections.

“M-Master-! Please don’t-“

Starscream’s pleas fell on deaf audials as Megatron’s spike pressed against delicate folds and forcing its way into a too-small valve. Starscream screeched with the intrusion, having been completely dry and unprepared. Still, he tried to beg his master to stop and even attempted to push the brute away, but it was no use. Megatron immediately began thrusting into the impossibly tight valve despite its protests. He growled his satisfaction.

Starscream whimpered as his entire frame felt every single ridge of the massive, intruding spike as it reaped its pleasure from his pain. He should have been used to this, but unless it was clearly broadcast before him, the surprise put him into a full-blown panic and put a stop to any possible preparation. Now Megatron was so deep inside him, and every thrust caused his frame to convulse in pain, his wings twitching harshly. Coolant welled up in his optics. He never asked for this.

“THIS is your reminder, Starscream. _This_ is your place: beneath me,” Megatron stated, his pace unfaltering.

“I w-was beneath you, my lord!” Starscream choked.

Megatron ceased his movement long enough to look his former lieutenant in the optics. “Do not misunderstand, Starscream. You were an… entertaining second, at best. But not functional. And do not think for a second that I would forget your obvious attempts to overthrow me,” he whispered into the seeker’s audial, making the slighter mech shiver, his valve clench. “You were never more than a decent frag, and that is why you were stripped of your rank. If this is how I must keep reminding you, so be it.” Megatron then used his off-servo to bring Starscream’s other leg up to the other side. Soon he had the lithe seeker open and pinned to the wall and displayed as he liked; to use as he liked as he began thrusting once more. Starscream’s talons dug into Megatron’s chest plate for balance, and in agony. “You will report to my quarters at least once - every day - to interface,” Megatron growled into Starscream’s audial as he continued his assault, “Or as I may want you at any given moment. You do so have a sinfully tight valve... That, along with all of your pathetic attempts at rebellion, is why you are in this position. You are my personal whore to use as I please. Do you understand me, Starscream?”

Starscream allowed every word to sink in just as much as the spike he was forced to take, and every single bit of it hurt. He nodded, realizing he really was useless outside of the berthroom. Perhaps this was all he was meant to do after all…

Megatron continued to pound the smaller frame until finally it was enough to force open Starscream’s gestation chamber. Starscream began to uselessly writhe against the warlord again, but still he felt the offending spike thickening inside of him. “Starscream.”

The seeker flailed and cried and fought for all he was worth, though it was all in vain. He kept hearing Megatron call his name but he kept ignoring it, as well as the black fog that continued to melt around them. Everything was wrong. Starscream felt like purging even as he whipped his helm back and forth to physically and mentally get away from Megatron, his optics firmly offline.

“Can you hear me?”

Starscream still shook his helm in a defiant “no” over and over whether he actually could or not. He needed out. Everything from his valve to his processors hurt and he wanted it to stop. He couldn’t take it!

“Starscream!”

Starscream’s optics barely fluttered open to see-

_Optimus Prime?!_

The seeker screeched yet again and took a heavy swipe at his offender only to graze a windshield as he barely managed to stumble out of the Prime’s grasp and through a nearby door, locking himself in. Starscream sat himself at the bottom on the floor – he looked to be in a washroom – and tried to think quickly. He knew what he needed to get himself out of this whole situation. He reached deep into his subspace and pulled out a bottle of his trusted medication that he knew could get him through anything. Ignoring the pounding on the door and call of his name, he quickly removed the lid and dumped a few of the white tablets into his palm. Not even bothering to count them, he downed the lot of them in one go.

“Starscream, please open the door. _Please_ , let me help you.”

“Go away,” the seeker drawled. He wasn’t going to fall for the Prime’s niceties; Starscream had just been assaulted by him! No way in the Pit was he about to open the door.

With what seemed like hours passing after taking those pills, Starscream was beginning to feel a bit more receptive; his processors quickly broadened as if they were clouds dissipating from the too-bright sun.

“Starscream, please open the door…” he heard the Prime say again. Heard him _beg_ , rather.

Starscream still sat, his optics tracing the tiles of the washroom he remained in with what little he could see in the dark, completely unfocused. Even with the lucid realization that he was not on board the Nemesis with his fellow Decepticons – with Megatron – that he was instead in his home on Cybertron, he could not gather himself off the floor to see his mate, even though he found himself wanting to. Every tablet that buzzed through his processors demanded he recharge, but his frame fought it. Starscream knew Optimus didn’t attack him. His nightmare was just especially terrible, and it had carried over to his waking state, causing him to attack the one who tried to help him. He needed to apologize; but first, Starscream needed to stand. His limbs felt like static as he forced them to work and maneuvered himself to his pedes. He then absent-mindedly flipped a switch on the wall behind him to unlock the door.

Optimus immediately made his way in the washroom, not having to go far as Starscream was leaning against the wall next to him. The Prime scanned his mate over with nothing less than frantic worry in his optics: Starscream’s entire frame was shaking as he held himself, his usually-vibrant ruby optics were dull, listless as he stared ahead. Optimus approached with utmost caution. “Starscream?”

Starscream didn’t seem to hear Optimus at first; his optics seemed fixated on the wall parallel to him. Just before Optimus could call his designation again, Starscream finally, _finally_ looked to him as if he’d just appeared in the doorway. “Optimus?” he gasped, reaching out for his mate.

Optimus himself reached out for Starscream and let out a startled noise as the seeker collapsed in his arms, lost to darkness. “Starscream,” he called, gently shaking him. Starscream didn’t respond. Optimus found his spark pounding against its chamber, but willed it to calm. He pressed two digits against the seeker’s jugular cabling.

…

Optimus sighed in an uneasy relief that he felt a fairly steady rhythm of Starscream’s sparkbeat. It must have just been the nightmare that took everything out of him. Optimus assumed so. The slow heaving of his mate’s back was a helpful sign. Though, he truly hoped the rattling he heard in the shower wasn’t Starscream downing pills indiscriminately. Optimus thought it a question better left for tomorrow as he easily cradled Starscream in his arms, picking the lithe frame up and out of the washroom and back into the berth where they could both rest properly.

Optimus gently placed the sleeping form in the berth closest to the edge, just in case he had another nightmare. The Prime then discreetly made himself comfortable against the wall, a small amount of space left between him and Starscream, but close enough that he could rest a servo on the seeker’s broad chest plate. He watched Starscream sleep a few minutes more – again, just in case – before he fell into a restless recharge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was less than comfortable writing this... But I hope it was a decent read for you.
> 
> Comments and crits always welcome.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween, lovelies.

Starscream’s optics slowly onlined. He was met with a very blurry rendition of his and Optimus’ berthroom. Static filled his audials. Everything felt heavier. No sooner did everything boot up that Starscream felt his tanks immediately churn.

The seeker nearly fell out of bed as he pushed himself to his pedes and staggered to the wash rack, the door immediately closing behind him.

Optimus had awoken almost as soon as Starscream shifted. His frame had grown accustomed to his mate’s sudden movements and reacted as such. Optimus onlined quickly but more carefully slid off the berth and gently knocked on the door to the wash room. “Are you alright, love?”

Starscream couldn’t even hear the inquiry from his side of the door. He was purging almost as soon as his knees hit the floor. His tank felt heavy and his processors wouldn’t stop whirling about. Starscream couldn’t focus on anything but the bile leaving his intake and sickly, dark fluids staining the floor. Why did he feel so horrible?

Optimus waited long enough for an answer (or lack thereof) and instead forced open the door with a mighty shove. The Prime walked in, finding his mate on the floor and on the edge of sobbing with discolored vomit in front of him. Optimus’ brow furrowed in concern. Talking was unlikely to help in this instance, so instead, he knelt behind Starscream and set to rub the ill seeker’s back. “I am here for you…”

Starscream whimpered some semblance of a response. He wanted to reach out for his mate, but he feared any sudden movement would just make him sick again. So, he only leaned against the wall, dry-heaving and coughing up more bile, hoping to Primus or the Allspark or whoever was listening that it would pass soon.

There was nothing either one of them could do but wait. Still Optimus stayed by Starscream’s side, rubbing his back and whispering sweet nothings to him; still Starscream tried to focus on Optimus instead of his shaking sniveling. He felt weak in every sense; tired and sick and unable to do anything but submit to his ailment.

At last, several minutes passed without Starscream purging, and the weakened seeker allowed himself to slump against Optimus, the Prime gladly allowing it. Optimus spent a few, blessed seconds just holding Starscream and stroking delicate plating to comfort him. Optimus was exhausted himself, having been woken up by Starscream’s nightmare just hours prior, now attempting to soothe him enough so that he – that either of them – could get back to sleep.

“I’m s-sorry…” Starscream stuttered.

“It is alright, Starscream,” Optimus said, “Just rest now.”

Easier said than done. Even as the room spun around him, Starscream still hated to worry Optimus, rouse him from recharge, bother him in any fashion. Starscream _hated_ being a burden. So, he forced his limbs to work as he attempted to push himself up from Optimus’ lap. It was shaky, and he still felt queasy, but it would happen. Even if Optimus protested.

“Starscream-“

“I got it!” Starscream insisted. He gradually used the Prime as leverage and said Prime didn’t object this time. Starscream was indeed able to get to his heels, but he was far too unstable to walk. Optimus was there to catch him.

“Starscream, allow me to help,” Optimus insisted, holding Starscream by his upper arms.

Starscream grunted, but complied, as he only held fast to Optimus to hold himself upright. Optimus stood to meet Starscream; though, the seeker wasn’t exactly expecting to be swept off his pedes. Gently, of course. Starscream started to physically protest, but any sudden move had made the room blur out of focus, so he only slumped back in his mate’s embrace and offlining his optics. “I said I had it.”

“I know.” Optimus slowly carried Starscream back to their berth and laid him down on the soft padding, drawing up a blanket up to his midsection. Pausing for only a moment, Optimus left the room and returned moments later with a small waste receptacle and set it beside the berth. Starscream covered his face with a clawed servo and groaned, Optimus assumed out of embarrassment. The seeker didn’t object though, so Optimus made himself comfortable again behind him.

Minutes passed in silence. Light was starting to peek through the window, dimly brightening the room. The day had barely started.

“How are you feeling, love?” Optimus asked.

“Better,” Starscream answered instinctively. He didn’t feel better at all. His tank was still heavy and he still felt incredibly dizzy. At least he wasn’t purging anymore. But the last thing he needed was for Optimus to worry any more than he already had.

“That is good to hear.” Optimus paused, his servo searching for Starscream’s. Only when he found and grasped it did he continue, “I will cancel the meeting for today.”

Starscream’s wings twitched in response. “Why?”

“Because you are not well, and I want to be with you in your time of need.”

“Optimus, I’ll be fine. I’m just a little sick. No need to cancel an ever-important Autobot counsel over me,” Starscream said. His spark fluttered a bit at the gesture nonetheless, and snuggled back into his mate. Optimus held him close.

“Regardless, it will not prevent me from worrying, Starscream. If there is anything plaguing you, then I want to be by your side to help as I am needed.”

Starscream had no response for a sentence that held that kind of power and devotion. It had been ages since he’d experienced it. He was still adjusting himself to this treatment, even after two years of receiving it from another.

“Starscream…” Optimus started, hesitation barely evident in his voice, “How many pills did you take last night?”

Starscream’s processors were still trying to micro-manage the intricacies of what a proper relationship was supposed to be like when Optimus asked the question, so he was grateful when he didn’t outwardly react to it. But it didn’t stop him from an inward panic. “J-just the one!”

Optimus brought his servo to Starscream’s face, turning it to look at him. Optimus managed to keep his expression neutral, but the seeker’s was more in fear. “Then why are you so sick?”

“It was the nightmare!” Starscream said automatically, “It was _him_ again! It’s always him!” Starscream pulled his helm away, again hiding his face in his servos. “Why won’t you believe me?”

“Forgive me,” Optimus said, resting the crest of his helm against Starscream’s shoulder. “I merely do not want you to exceed your limit.”

“I’m not. I’m only taking what I need.” It wasn’t a total lie, he’d only been taking them when he felt bad. Until last night. _Primus_ , how many did he swallow?

“I am glad.” Optimus paused with trepidation. “Did you wish to discuss the dream?”

“No. It’s always the same,” Starscream said, a chill running through him.

“Very well.”

“… Are you still canceling the meeting?”

“I can.”

Starscream turned – slowly – on his side to face Optimus, leaving enough space between them to look into his optics. “I’ll be fine. Cybertron needs you more,” he said, offering a weak smile.

Optimus didn’t smile back, but gently stroked a servo over Starscream’s angular face. “Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes,” Starscream answered, placing his servo on Optimus’. “I’m a big mech; I can take care of myself while you’re gone.” His comfort was short-lived; Starscream’s gaze traveled down and stopped at the long but thankfully shallow claw marks on Optimus’ windshield. “Did I hurt you?”

“You did not,” Optimus said without hesitation.

“Are they… Are they going to ask about it?”

“I have explained our situation to them before. They may worry, but they will likely refrain.”

Starscream sighed. He believed Optimus’ words, yet the guilt still weighed as heavily on him as the one still settled in his tank. “I was hoping the medication would do away with these dreadful nightmares…”

“No single prescription can do away with all of your problems, Starscream. I have heard stories from Ratchet of friends and comrades who took medication for their mental health, and in some instances, it only exacerbated their problems, among other things. It is why I was reluctant to recommend that option to you.” Optimus paused, offlining his optics and placing his helm against Starscream’s. “But, I am grateful they have done so much good for you.”

Starscream trilled, nuzzling his crest against Optimus’. “I am, too.” At the back of his mind, he briefly wondered just how many he had left. Starscream pulled back, admiring Optimus’ nearly angelic face. “Don’t you have a meeting to go to?” he teased.

“I suppose I do,” Optimus said with a subtle smile. He placed a kiss on his mate’s forehead. “I will go, but please comm me if you need anything.”

“I know.”

Optimus didn’t want to go. Starscream still needed him, he thought, but like Starscream said, Cybertron needed him more. He pulled the seeker into a short but tight embrace before forcing himself to let go and get out of bed. Starscream kept his optics on him the whole time, though they began to shutter. Recharge had been scarce to both of them during the night, but Optimus had work to do. Optimus felt another twinge in his spark that told him not to go, but he ignored it. He stopped at the door and turned one last time to his mate. “I love you, Starscream.”

There was a flutter in Starscream’s wings before he responded. “Love you, too.”

…

Starscream woke some time later. He didn’t want to online his optics just yet; he blindly groped the space next to him for his mate. It was empty. Starscream groaned as he remembered Optimus had left for yet another mate-thieving meeting. He onlined his optics to about twenty-percent. He was able to note that the room was now bathed in light. It must have been a few hours, at least, since Optimus departed.

Starscream started to rise, but the gravity from his tank pulled him down again.  He still felt sick. Starscream whined, questioning how this weight STILL hadn’t gone away and why his helm still whirled. Perhaps he would just be stuck in bed all day, but he asked himself again why he felt so miserable.

He flinched as he remembered that it was because of the dream. It was why he downed so many pills.

How many did he have left?

Still lying prone on his berth, Starscream managed to reach into his subspace to remove the bottle of medication that was so graciously given to him. He shakily held it up to his optics.

… One. He was down to one pill.

Starscream felt his anxiety set in as he stared at the near-empty bottle. Before it completely consumed him, he focused on a singular solution.

Steve. He would call Steve.

Starscream wasted no time in pressing a digit to his comm-link to contact the drone. Though his spark pulsed frantically, he forced himself to stay on task. It was still fairly early in the day. Hopefully Steve would answer.

“Yeah,” Steve answered casually. It sounded like he’d been up awhile.

“Steve, it’s Starscream.”

“Oh, hey! How are you?”

“I need more meds.”

“… W-wait, what?”

“I. Need. More. Pills,” Starscream reiterated. His vents became heavier the longer the conversation grew.

“B-but I gave you a month’s worth!”

“Well I used them all!”

“It’s been three weeks! I told you ‘once a day’!”

“But I needed them more often than that!”

Starscream heard Steve groan; “I warned you-“

“Look, I just need more, alright? I can pay you whatever!”

“It’s not that easy, ‘Scream,” Steve said calmly, “I don’t just have all the pills in-hand and ready all the time. You used ‘em all early, now it’s gonna take some time to get more.”

“How long?”

“I dunno, a few days?”

Starscream’s vents halted. Lately, he’d barely been able to get by with only one a day; how was he supposed to go a few days with only one _total_? “I can’t wait that long!”

“Well, it’s either that or you try to get a shrink again. And who knows how long that’ll take, right?” Steve said, an almost chilling giggle lacing his tone.

“This isn’t funny! Steve, you HAVE to help me!” Starscream argued, his claws digging into berth padding.

“Sorry. No can do,” Steve sighed.

Starscream had wanted to growl at how nonchalant Steve was being, but instead he nearly whined as he was growing desperate. “I only have one left! How am I supposed to make that last until you decide to get more?”

“I guess you shoulda thought of that before you took them all.”

Normally, Starscream would be making demands and eventually threats if said demands were not met. Now, he was no longer in that position, but was ready to tear open Steve’s throat all the same. Instead of telling the wretched drone such a pleasant fantasy in delightfully explicit detail, Starscream settled for harshly dragging his claws along the planes of his helm, nearly deep enough to bleed. His chest heaved the more his spark pounded against its chamber in a rage and his helm felt as if it were full of white noise.

“You still there?”

“Yes,” Starscream growled into his pillow.

“What?”

“I said ‘yes’!” he repeated after sitting up properly.

“Jeez, alright, sorry.”

Starscream was very near his wit’s end. He lay on his back again, as sitting up so suddenly had caused his tanks to lurch again. He felt beads of condensation form and drip down his frame. He somehow felt sicker, and Steve was not making things any easier. Starscream rested a servo against his optics and willed every anxious fiber in his frame to calm before he attempted reasoning again. He had no such success. “Steve. Is there anyone else I can get that medication from besides you or a doctor?” Starscream knew it was a long-shot, but he still had to try.

“Heh, what do you think?” Steve asked as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Like I said, you can go off and try to see your own shrink if you want this kinda stuff, and mine’d be pretty sore I’m sharing them with you, ya know? So, I’m kinda all you got.”

“Of course…” Starscream sighed. He traced the lines of his helm again, but refrained from digging into them, not bothering to wonder why. The situation hadn’t exactly gotten any better.

“So sorry, _Lord_ Starscream,” Steve said with the purest of sarcasm. “Does that mean you _don’t_ want the pills then? I still got work to do.”

“Yes! Just- Get them as soon as you can, would you?”

“Yes sir, my lord!” the drone answered, sounding far too cheery.

The comms disconnected.

Starscream laid there, alone in his bed, mulling over everything. He would have more medication soon, but that wasn’t soon enough.

_‘One pill.’_

One pill for a number of days that Steve didn’t care to specify. Maybe he actually didn’t know how long it would take. It didn’t matter, since Starscream would have to make the single tablet count, if that was even possible at this point.

As Starscream stared at the blank ceiling above him, he imagined several scenarios played out like a holo-projector. Each one became blurry or blended in with another and Starscream found himself unable to concentrate on any single one, let alone something positive. The only thing that stood out to Starscream like a beacon in his darkened thoughts was the idea of confessing his lies to Optimus. Another flood of panic washed over him before he leaned over the side of the berth and purged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took quite the break from this, but I'm glad to be working on it again. Hopefully it can also light my darker hours.
> 
> Comments and crits always welcome.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to have this out sooner, but my job has been working me nights lately, cutting my writing time pretty hard. But here it is at last, in its unexpected 15 page glory. Enjoy.

Much to Starscream’s constantly mounting misfortune, he spent the better part of the day in bed, still feeling heavy and sick, and occasionally purging. Sometimes he made it into the trash can. His entire frame shook and he constantly felt at the point of overheating, condensation still dripping off his frame as the air practically shimmered around him. Part of him was glad that Optimus wasn’t around to see him in such a sorry state, even if his mate was sure to wait on him hand and foot as long as he needed. Pampering did sound nice, but all Starscream wanted was for this sickness to run its course so he could bear to move.

Starscream considered a moment, that perhaps he needed the pill _now_. Maybe it would clear all this up. But then, even if it did, he still had an undetermined amount of time before he would get more. There was no clear choice, even if Starscream had all the time in the world to think about it.

He allowed himself an hour – at the most, he told himself – to rest a bit more before finally getting out of bed. Every extremity shook with subtle tremors as he moved, his helm still felt light and his tank heavy. Starscream refused to let it keep him down any longer than it already had. He took care in getting to his heels though, avoiding the receptacle and the extra mess around it to go to the kitchen. It seemed best for him to refuel with _something_ , even if his tanks protested. Starscream made himself a small cube of low-grade, taking a deep vent before downing it in one go. The seeker waited a few, tense moments for the energon to settle.

It didn’t.

Starscream groaned, feeling heavier than before as what little he drank only seemed to bubble angrily in his tank. He gave up on fueling anymore and instead decided on a shower. Maybe the cool water could ease his stress and excess heat. The miracle pill was constantly at the back of his mind.

Upon entering the shower rack, he realized had nearly forgotten the mess he’d left in there as well. The liquid he’d coughed up hours prior had mostly dried, leaving a crusted puddle of a mess by the wall. Starscream’s wings drooped. It was embarrassing, and Optimus had seen the entire thing. The seeker sighed, postponing his shower for the time being to clean up instead. Maybe he’d even find the remnants of his dignity as well.

 

* * *

 

 

“What do you mean you don’t know when you’ll be back??” Starscream asked from his end of the screen; his mate kept a stern, yet sympathetic look about him even as Starscream argued.

“Starscream, it will only be a few more hours. The Vehicons-“

“I don’t care about the stupid _drones_! I just want you back _here_!”

“We must get these new Vehicons moved into new housing for the time being; compassion is of most importance right now,” Optimus said calmly. He gave pause to look over his mate; Starscream had been trembling nearly the entire time they’d been talking, and it wasn’t just out of anger. “Has your condition improved at all?”

“I’m fine!” Starscream snapped, “Just come home! Please.” The last word seemed forced, as if Starscream was giving a weak attempt at politeness.

“Please understand, love, that we need as many available servos as possible to assist in rebuilding, and these Vehicons have discarded their Decepticon title. Whether it is completely sincere or not is irrelevant at this time. We must continue to trust that they are capable of change and will assist us if needed.”

Starscream bounced impatiently from pede to pede. What Optimus was saying made sense in the more logical center of his brain module, but right now, he was miserable and needed the physical presence of Optimus. “And you’re still tracking them?”

“Always.”

Starscream let the words float around in his head for a minute. Though Optimus had been the only one to “watch” him, he knew others would always watch the remainder of Decepticons. He saw the problems it could possibly create, and it only put Starscream further on edge.

“I regret that I cannot be home with you right this moment, Starscream. But this will lead to the greater good of Cybertron, and benefit the rest of us.”

“I know,” Starscream sighed. Tremors still wracked his frame; he was still decidedly ill, but he was determined not to let it affect his limited time with his mate. He placed a servo on the screen, “Please come home soon.”

Optimus pressed his own servo to the screen in a futile effort to physically connect with his mate. “As soon as I can.” The Prime looked to the side for a moment, where Starscream heard someone talking. “I must go. I love you; please take care of yourself.”

The screen blacked out, leaving only that annoying, red Autobot symbol.

Starscream’s claws dug into the screen. Why couldn’t Optimus just come home _now_? Starscream needed him! He’d never admit it to anyone but Prime, of course, but he did. Even if Optimus couldn’t just make the pain vanish, he was still a solid pillar of support. Unfortunately, Starscream’s pain was brought upon him himself. He’d ignored Steve’s warning, and now he was almost completely drained and sick.

Starscream hung around the comms station as if Optimus would reappear on-screen. But he didn’t. Starscream was only left with his misery.

He left the room, feeling heavier than before. He was alone. Depression was starting to set in, so Starscream decided he would take his remaining pill. How much worse could it get from here, anyway? Did it matter?

Starscream removed the bottle from his subspace and swallowing his last tablet. Like the small bit of energon the previous day, he waited around for its effects to take. Eventually some of the edge did come off, but Starscream still felt a layer of tense nerves lightly coating his frame. He wanted to scratch again. Instead, he decided to be a bit more productive and attempted to alleviate the ailment with another novel. He knew the characters, the plot, the setting. It was all familiar to him. And for the time being, it was all he had.

…

Optimus was awoken by a warm wetness over his spike. His immediate response became far less routine as he forced his optics online, only to see Starscream bobbing his helm on his revealed spike. He could have sworn he’d just gotten back from rehousing the ex-Decepticons. Optimus reached out for his mate, if only just to confirm he was actually there.

Starscream moaned around the thick length in his intake as he placed Optimus’ servo on the back of his helm, as if to encourage himself to move. He went as deep as he could, even though Optimus was still barely online. Starscream had theorized that a rough interface was sure to do away with his chronic pain as it would give him stimulation and pleasure. It wouldn’t hurt to try.

“Starscream…”

The named seeker pulled off the spike with a deliberate “pop” as he positioned his waiting valve over it and sank down with a broken whimper. Starscream gripped Optimus’ shoulders as he rode the spike as hard as he could, taking no time to adjust. He needed this.

“S-Starscream,” Optimus repeated. He was still waking up; he was unprepared for full-on stimulation so soon.

“Optimus,” Starscream moaned back. He barely paid mind to the minimal response. The seeker only needed his lingering pain to go away, and Optimus could do it. Optimus could always do the impossible.

Starscream took Optimus’ spike until the Prime was completely spent; very little transfluid barely dribbled into the waiting valve. It wasn’t particularly fulfilling to either of them. Starscream sighed heavily. His theory had been wrong after all; Optimus was too exhausted to frag him properly. He watched Optimus take a few deep vents post-overload, before he was completely passed out. Starscream sat there, still atop the hard spike, idly hoping for more. But his mate was dead to the world, and even _his_ enticing valve was not enough to rouse him from it.

The seeker let out a heavy vent and pulled off Optimus’ spike with a gasp, and made himself comfortable on the other side of the berth. Starscream stared at the wall, thinking to himself what else he could possibly do. There was still a chronic itch on his plating even hours after taking the pill, and not even a long-awaited interface could fully scratch it. With so little recharge himself, Starscream decided it was best to try something else tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

The new day brought a new attempt. Starscream decided he would try verbal therapy again, but this time, it would be with someone he knew and it would be on his own terms.

Starscream dialed up his personal comm to a familiar signal, not completely sure if it was still the same. By some miracle or positive nod of Primus, it was.

“Yes?” the voice said in a dulcet, sultry tone.

“Knock Out,” Starscream greeted, though unsure of where to go after a long separation. The line hung there for a staticky, awkward moment.

“Starscream! Haven’t heard from you in ages,” the medic said. “How are you?”

“Not great. Do you have a minute to talk?”

“I suppose I do. What do you need?”

“I-“ Starscream paused, unsure of what exactly to say. He didn’t want to reveal all of his weaknesses, at least not yet. “I don’t know! Can we just sit down and talk?”

Knock Out must have sensed the heavy tension in Starscream’s voice. He considered it carefully before giving his answer. “Certainly. I’ll give you my coordinates. The old mech’s out right now, so it’ll just be you and me.”

“Sure,” Starscream agreed. It took him a moment to fully grasp what Knock Out had said. “Old mech”? He wasn’t talking about Ratchet, was he?

The coordinates were received and Starscream left his empty abode just as fast, jetting his way to his given destination.

It wasn’t a long flight by any means; of course Ratchet- well, he assumed- would want to live close by his oldest friend. Easy driving distance, but for whatever reason, not in the same complex that Optimus had chosen for his own home. Starscream thought nothing of it as he knocked on the door to the small house. It wasn’t long until he was greeted with a familiar, pale face, framed in red plating.

“Starscream,” Knock Out greeted, taking the seeker by the servo. “Good to see you. Come in.”

Knock Out eagerly pulled him inside. Starscream observed the space around him: it was about as sparsely decorated as his own place, but what little surface space and décor there was, was colored red. Their comm-center was located in the living room: against a wall, with a chair on the wall perpendicular to it. There was a hallway parallel to the screen that Starscream assumed led to a bedroom or two. He briefly wondered if Knock Out kept the same room as Ratchet.

“So, how are you? I haven’t seen you since you cozied up to Prime. I was beginning to think you were still upset at me for hitting you with the Immobilizer and getting you locked up…”

Starscream was still looking about the room, not fully absorbing Knock Out’s words, but he waited as politely as he could until the medic finished. “Not really, no,” he answered, only acknowledging the last of Knock Out’s sentence.

“It was nothing personal, you know. Though it didn’t stop them from locking me up in that filthy brig with all of those drones anyway,” Knock Out grumbled. Then his optics wandered downward over Starscream’s frame as if he was just now noticing him standing there. The observation wasn’t in a perverse sort of manner, but rather, Knock Out took notes of the many marks decorating the silver plating. “You aren’t looking so well.”

“Well,” Starscream began, shaking his helm from its string of irrelevant thoughts. “I’ve been having some… issues. I was hoping you could help with those, since you’re a doctor and all.”

“Hm, I can try. What ails you?” Knock Out asked, sitting on a worn, dark red couch, inviting Starscream next to him.

Starscream made himself comfortable enough, but his anxiety always loomed over him, ready to take hold at any moment. He ignored it, trying to let the care of a proper surgeon remove it. “Plenty of things,” he said vaguely. Starscream looked around the room again as if to distract himself from his own thoughts. “You live with him? Ratchet?”

“I do,” Knock Out confirmed. “He’s quite the nitpicky sort, but manageable to deal with.” The cherry medic paused his recollection long enough to glance over Starscream, taking note of every mar in the seeker’s plating in more detail. They looked self-inflicted. Knock Out grazed his own digits over the imperfections almost as if in pity. “So about my question-“

Starscream pushed the worried servo away; “It’s nothing.”

“It is certainly not ‘nothing’!” Knock Out insisted, “How about a nice armor buffing while we talk about these problems?”

Starscream only scoffed, “Sure, I guess.”

“Good.” Knock Out stood and gestured to the couch with a wave of his servo, “You lie here, and I’ll be right back.”

Knock Out disappeared down the hall into one of the other rooms.

Starscream made himself somewhat comfortable on the couch, but still his plating itched and he was all too tempted to scratch it. Though, if he was caught by Knock Out, the prim mech was sure to scold him for it. It didn’t matter. Starscream was here to talk about his problems, like he should have done well over a month ago. He was trying, anyway.

Starscream’s chosen psychiatrist finally returned, tool in hand. “Now we can talk, while I buff out all those unsightly marks!” Knock Out preened, a winning smile adorning his pale face. Starscream was beginning to have second thoughts, as if the instrument alone was pulling every insecurity from his processor and out into the open. Knock Out pulled up a spare stool next to the couch, powering on the buffer and setting to work over Starscream’s dull and damaged chest plate. “So, talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

Starscream grunted; the soft whirring of the buffer did more to unnerve him than anything. But he did his best to ignore it. “Just keep this between us, will you?”

“Certainly.”

“Good.”

For a minute or two, there was nothing but the buffer sounding off in the room. Knock Out waited patiently for that short period for Starscream to say something further, but the seeker seemed quite nervous and tight-lipped about the very thing he wanted to talk about. “I’m listening.”

Starscream’s optics darted to Knock Out, then to the ceiling as if he was internally fighting with himself whether or not to discuss his problems. Knock Out had been a willing audial even when they were still at war, so this should be no different. “I… I’m having nightmares.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

“About?” Knock Out asked, moving the buffer to Starscream’s outer pauldron.

Starscream balled his servo into a fist at his side in an effort to stave off the desire to claw his chestplate. The buffer seemed to leave even more unpleasant tingling than it was meant to remove. Part of him still didn’t want to talk about those dreams that were so vivid and horrific. But this was supposed to be why he was here in the first place. He cursed his weakness of the moment and quickly formed something relevant he could tell Knock Out. “I just need medication for it, alright?”

Knock Out held back the detailer in momentary silence. “Medication? Just for a few bad dreams?”

Suddenly, Starscream was starting to feel far more self-conscious. Were his problems truly that bad? There was no more Megatron, no bot that would lay a servo on him so long as Optimus was around. Still, the dreams would frequently wake and terrify him, and it was certainly a problem to him and his mate. How dare Knock Out imply they were anything less! “They’re not just ‘bad dreams’! They keep me up at night! Are you going to help me, or not?”

“Well, Starscream, I can’t just give you meds for-“

“Why can’t you?! Can’t you see I’m suffering?” Starscream asked as he sat up to confront Knock Out properly. His wings angled up with him.

Knock Out set the buffer down next to him and looked into Starscream’s optics as he spoke; “I don’t have any sort of medication here for you, unless you have a processor ache. I can’t just dole out pills as I like, regardless.”

“You’re a doctor, aren’t you?!”

“Yes, Starscream. But this isn’t a professional setting where I ask professional questions; not only that, but I’m a _medical_ doctor, not a psychiatrist. If you need to-“

“Just forget it!” Starscream stood from his seat and strode by the startled Knock Out, making a heated exit through the front door and heading for home.

Knock Out wasn’t going to help him. Rung was undoubtedly not going to be any different. Optimus couldn’t even help him. It became evident to Starscream that talking was not the way to go. He knew what he needed, but he would have to rely on only himself to keep himself steady to get there.

…

“Steve?”

Static.

“Steve.”

More static.

“Steve… Please. I need those meds. I’m in so much pain. Please. Please help me…” Starscream whimpered through the comm. He was on the verge of tears. His tank still churned though he’d barely refueled the past few days, and his plating still itched; he’d undone Knock Out’s work in minutes by clawing his plating over and over. Optimus was gone again, still rehousing drones that alleged conformity. Starscream sat on the inner corner of the berth, huddled against a wall; shivering. “I need it. Please…”

Starscream continued talking through the static, to a mech that he could only hope would return his messages and finally deliver him from his strife.

 

* * *

 

 

There was no such savior that night, or, as Starscream realized, the following morning.

The seeker shot upright in a start and he frantically looked around him, his spark pounding. He was still in bed, in his own home; Starscream noticed nothing out of place, but he finally had Optimus home, slumbering peacefully next to him on the berth. He must have had an exhausting night to not be woken by Starscream’s sudden jolt. Starscream let out a shuddered vent as he immediately snuggled up next to him, lightly digging his claws into armor seams and pulling him close.

…

“You are still not feeling well,” Optimus noted.

“I’ll be fine,” Starscream whispered. He settled himself more comfortably in Optimus’ lap.

“You have not been so for the past few days. Perhaps we should talk to Ratchet?”

“N-no, that won’t be necessary. I just need to recharge some more.”

“Have you still been unable to sleep as well?”

“Sometimes. Please don’t worry about me,” Starscream pleaded, resting his helm against Optimus’ neck. He forced his shivering to stop as best he could, but even his mate was sure to notice the occasional tremor. The past few days had been frustrating and it had been increasingly difficult to play the part of a healthy mech.

Eventually Optimus heeded Starscream’s words and went back to tapping away at the keyboard with whatever business he was tending to.

It was almost relaxing: listening to Optimus’ soft vents and the light taps to the keyboard were enough to lull Starscream into a light recharge. But it was a peace short-lived.

Starscream’s comm crackled to life and he heard a garbled call of his name. It shook him awake, causing him to bolt upright in Optimus’ lap. The Prime immediately held Starscream steady.

“Is something wrong?”

“N-no!” Starscream sputtered. It became his automatic response to that question. But who was contacting him? “I-I’ll be right back.” Starscream shakily got to his heels in his attempt to hop off Optimus’ lap.

“Starscream?” the comm repeated. Oh. Starscream knew that voice.

“Are you certain?” Optimus asked. He found himself asking that far too often.

“Yes! Just- I have something to take care of,” Starscream said, finally standing on his own. He held his mate’s face a few, blessed seconds before exiting to take his call; “I’ll be right back.”

“Very well.” Optimus nodded, and watched as Starscream left the room, the door closing behind him. He was worried, but he tried not to let it become a burden to his work. The Prime took his seat again and resumed typing.

Despite the door closing behind him, Starscream nervously looked over his shoulder repeatedly as he made his way down the hallway to the bedroom. He ensured that one was closed as well before finally answering his comm. “Steve?”

A heavy silence permeated the line, much longer than Starscream’s liking. Why was he taking so long to answer when he was just calling?

“Oh hey, sorry,” Steve said, “I was, uh-“

“What do you want?”

Steve was silent for a moment to gauge Starscream’s behavior. “Just thought you’d like to know I got your pills here.”

“Oh,” Starscream said, feeling the tiniest bit of remorse for snapping. “Ah… How soon can you get them to me?”

“Tonight, if you want ‘em. How ‘bout you meet me at my place?”

Starscream tensed at that. “Why?”

“Why not? I don’t feel like going out, ya know? Plus, I had to go out of my way to get these in the first place.”

“B-but-“

“C’mon. It won’t even take that long. You _do_ still want ‘em, don’t you?”

“Of course I do!”

“Then come get ‘em. I’ll send you coordinates.”

Steve disconnected the comms before Starscream could argue further. Starscream stood in place with a digit hovering over his comm. It wasn’t but a few seconds before he received a message with a set of coordinates. Like almost all of the current inhabitants of Cybertron, he wouldn’t have to go far to get there.

Starscream let everything sink in a moment and he wasn’t sure why. He was nervous. He shouldn’t be nervous! It would be simple: fly to Steve’s, get the medication, pay, then come back home.

Yes, that was the plan.

Starscream turned to exit the room, but the door opened before he approached it. Optimus was there, looking slightly concerned as he saw his mate flinch. “Is everything alright, love?”

Somehow, seeing Optimus had made Starscream feel even worse than before. More guilt, more weight on his shoulders as the Prime stepped into the room. “Yes! Everything’s fine,” he said, forcing a chuckle. Optimus’ expressions remained just as placid as ever, so Starscream continued; “A friend called. He’d like to catch up for a bit. That’s all.”

Optimus’ optics had more questions than he was sure to ask vocally. “You know you can speak to your friends in front of me.” It wasn’t an accusing tone. In fact, it sounded more like guilt. Why would Optimus ever sound guilty? Starscream internally fought with himself for that answer, but Optimus interrupted. “Forgive me, I should not intrude on your conversations.”

“It’s fine. We were done talking, anyway.” Done talking, but not done with their exchange. Starscream forced himself to meet Optimus’ optics, to smile. He needed the façade until he could decide if he should even tell his mate everything anyway. The pressure weighed on him with the force of a planet. For a moment, it all melted away when Optimus’ servo brushed the side of his face. “You don’t mind if I go out for a bit, do you?” he asked, stroking the affectionate servo with his own.

“Of course not,” Optimus answered, an understanding smile gracing his features once more. It was a marvel in itself that Optimus couldn’t bring peace with that smile alone.

“Thank you, my love,” Starscream said, kissing Optimus’ palm and stepping away, though he hated to do it. “I won’t be gone long. I promise.”

“I trust you, Starscream. Stay safe.”

The full force of those genuine, loving words hit Starscream hard enough to shatter his spark. The seeker did not let it show as he slipped out of the house and into air toward what he truly needed.

…

Starscream flew to Steve’s complex in what could be considered record time. He quickly transformed and knocked on the door.

It was far too long until someone answered the door. The visor of a drone peeked its helm in the small opening they made. It gave a sideways look to Starscream, then threw open the door in a display of welcome. “Starscream!” Steve greeted, “Come on in!”

What awaited Starscream beyond the threshold was truly nothing special: there was the main room with only the most basic of furnishings, with a small kitchen to the left and a closed doorway to the right, presumed to be Steve’s bedroom. With so little to observe, Starscream began tapping his heel on the floor, eager to get on with the exchange. He turned to Steve, “How much do you want?”

“What now?” the Eradicon asked, locking the door. Starscream noticed, giving Steve a questioning glare. “Hey, I don’t want anyone interrupting. This ain’t exactly, uh, what’s the word? Ethical?”

Starscream looked between Steve and the door, suddenly feeling a tad bit nervous. His heel resumed its tapping. “Sure. But it doesn’t answer my question.”

Steve finally turned away from the door and walked the short distance it took to stand across from Starscream, holding a servo to his chin as if in deep thought. “Let’s see… I gave you a month’s worth to begin with. You used it in three weeks, causing me to have to get more before I needed, so that’s…” Steve then began mumbling to himself, pacing in a small circle in front of Starscream. It only further served to agitate the antsy seeker.

“So, what?” Starscream asked impatiently.

Steve stopped and faced Starscream completely. He pulled a bottle of what Starscream assumed were the same meds from before and observed them, then faced Starscream again. He shrugged before making an almost passive suggestion. “How about you give me head?”

Starscream’s optics widened as he took a step back, completely aghast. “W-what?”

“Your mouth. My spike. For these pills.” Steve punctuated each line in a condescending manner.

“Y-you’re joking, right?” Starscream asked, trying to force a laugh from his vocalizer. It failed.

“Nope.”

“But- but I have money-“

“I don’t want money. Like I told you, I got plenty. You want these pills or not?” he asked, shaking the bottle for emphasis.

Starscream hesitated. Every bit of this situation formed a gigantic red flag that waved very brightly in his face. The obvious, right choice was to just leave. But then, who knows when it would be before he found proper help? He’d been a mess the past few days without the pills: barely refueling or sleeping, more nightmares, and worse yet, making Optimus worry. But getting the pills this way would just be betraying Optimus, his _mate_! “I can’t! I’m bonded; y-you can’t ask me to do this!”

Steve sighed, putting the bottle back in his subspace. “I'm not, really. Giving _you_ the choice. But fine. If you really don’t need ‘em, you can go. There’s the door,” he said, pointing towards the exit.

Starscream started to move; or at least, he thought he did. In reality, he stood there, still, yet trembling. After what was just demanded of him, the seeker’s first action should have been to leave and never come back. But he didn’t, and it terrified him.

Steve still stood across from him, studying him. He pulled the bottle back out again in an effort to get a proper answer out of Starscream. “So… Do you want these, or…?”

Starscream internalized every pitiful noise he wanted to make. His optics darted between Steve and the bottle, his back heel resumed its nervous tapping. Yes, he desperately wanted- no, _needed_ those pills. But the price was far more than he was willing to pay. “Please… is there nothing else I can give you?”

“No,” Steve answered, nearly scolding the poor seeker. “If you ain’t willing to pay, quit wasting my time and get out of my house.”

Starscream’s processors dove into one of its infamous panic modes trying to figure out what would be the best possible solution for him. Except it wasn’t just about him; it was about Optimus, too. Optimus was the whole reason he was here in the first place. He had to preserve what was precious to him. Starscream knew what he had to do.

“Ugh, alright,” Steve sighed. He walked to the door to unlock it and see Starscream on his way.

But Starscream stopped him. “Wait,” he said.

Steve obeyed, turning his helm just enough to see him. “Yes?”

“I… I’ll do it,” Starscream said, his voice firm, though it belied a pained and heavy spark.

“Oh, awesome!” Steve locked the door back to turn fully to Starscream. “Ah, we should probably to my room. My buddies’ll be back any time,” he explained.

Starscream only nodded his response. All that mattered was that he got the pills that would save his bondship. He would just have one more egregious secret he’d have to keep from his mate. His optics remained on the floor, his wings angled down in shame and complete disbelief at what he’d just committed to.

“Don’t look so glum. I’ll take real good care of you.” There was a tone to Steve’s voice that almost seemed believable. He trotted happily and opened the door, leading Starscream inside.

Starscream only looked up long enough to see how small the room was: two beds and little else for extra surface area. Hearing the door slide shut along with a distinctive locking sound put him right back on edge.

“So!” Steve started, “Shall we?” The drone stood at the door. He could have just been eager to get started, or it could have been a deliberate move to block Starscream’s only means of escape. Steve kept his visor on him: expectant and impatient.

Again, Starscream was at a bit of a loss for his next move. Optimus was his constant reminder for everything he did, good or bad. But it wasn’t what he needed right now. Optimus needed to remain buried in the very back of his mind for the time being. Starscream unintentionally looked to Steve for reassurance and guidance.

“Here,” Steve said, walking up to Starscream; unneeded sensuality laced his every action, “Let me help you,” he whispered. Steve slowly brought a servo to Starscream’s shoulder and pressed down, down until the seeker was completely on his knees. Starscream looked up at him in what could have been read as a final, desperate plea not to do this. But all it did was go straight to Steve’s spike as he released it from its paneling, already leaking prefluid.

Starscream’s entire frame shuddered in an attempt for flight, but his brain module kept him on track for what he believed to be the right choice. But, he only stared at the ridged spike, swallowing the lump in his throat as several parts of his processors fought amongst themselves. His dentae grit and servos balled into fists in his frustration. He’d already made his decision, why couldn’t he just get on with it?

“Now you just open,” Steve instructed. Not waiting for Starscream to make the move himself, Steve pressed two digits on either side of his jaw and forcing his mouth open. Starscream had barely put up a fight as Steve quickly slid his spike into his intake, past his glossa, and into his throat.

They both had let out a gasp, but in vastly different tones: Steve’s was quite pleased, but Starscream’s was startled, panicked. Steve only chased his own pleasure as he grasped the broad, silver shoulders for leverage as he thrust into the barely-willing intake.

Starscream kept his optics firmly offline and his fists remained on the ground, no matter how badly they wanted to lash out. He allowed himself to be taken by this lowly drone if only because it served the greater good. _His_ greater good. The medication was a necessary evil to keep his and his mate’s life stable and happy. Starscream would take whatever punishment he felt he needed to preserve it. He ignored every synapse that screamed at him to run, every tingling wire that told him this was wrong.

But Steve was feeling quite the opposite. He enjoyed every half-attempt at a caress from Starscream’s glossa and suction from his intake as his spike slid in and out of it. Steve moved his servos to the external vents on either side of Starscream’s face to hold for leverage as his thrusts grew more urgent. Starscream’s whimpers went unheard as Steve vocalized his pleasure in a plethora of sharp noises and sharper digits digging into the seams of Starscream’s helm. “Almost there…”

Those words had urged Starscream’s fear. The seeker couldn’t properly voice his opposition with the spike fragging his intake; instead, he tried weakly to push at Steve’s pelvis to pull himself off of it. He didn’t want this! Optimus would find out! Optimus would do worse to him than Megatron ever did!

“Oh- Primus, Starscream…!” Steve cried as he reached his overload. His grip remained on Starscream’s helm to keep him close as he came.

Starscream felt like sobbing. The taste of transfluid – not belonging to his mate, but this _drone_ \- filled his mouth. Steve didn’t let go until his overload had finished. Starscream felt like purging.

Eventually Steve let go, taking a shaky step backwards from force of his orgasm. He gathered himself quickly with a little laugh to himself. “That… was… _amazing_ , Starscream.” Steve positively basked in his own afterglow, cherishing this moment as long as he functioned. He had hoped that Starscream felt the same, but the seeker was hunched over, shaking, a servo on his intake as if he was about to purge. “Oh scrap!” Steve quickly got to his knees to level with Starscream, but not knowing what to do to help. “I- I’m sorry! I… I assumed you swallowed…”

Starscream’s responsive glare would have cut burning holes into Steve if they could. But he only sat there, transfluid still trickling down his throat and stagnating in his mouth. He wanted to scream.

“I’ll, uh, get you something to rinse with, okay?” Steve got up and left the room.

Starscream felt himself starting to wretch. The gravity of the situation had finally fallen on him. _What had he done?_

Steve returned with a small glass in-hand. He held it out to Starscream. “Here. Water.”

Starscream snatched it from the drone’s servo and immediately drained half of it, swishing it around his intake to remove the offending liquid before it and spitting it back out into the glass; coughing. He set it hard on the ground. Starscream stared at the cloudy water as if he was willing it to grow clear and completely erase the evidence of his actions. But it was merely wishful thinking.

“Listen, uh, I’m sorry. Again. Didn’t mean to-“

“Just give me the pills!”

Steve winced at the outburst. “Alright, alright.” He pulled the pills from his subspace again and set them on the ground within Starscream’s line of sight. “All yours. Just remember to come back here when you need a refill.”

Starscream didn’t grace Steve with a proper response. Instead, he grabbed the bottle and tucked them away and proceeded to get to his heels. As soon as he found his footing, he started to march out the door but Steve stepped in front of him. “What??”

“Just letting you know, you only have two weeks’ worth,” he said. Starscream was about to start a tirade before Steve cut him off, “Look, you went through that first batch WAY too fast. Having less now just means you gotta conserve. And if not, then, guess I’ll be seeing you sooner, huh?”

If Steve had a proper face, Starscream would have sworn the disgusting drone would be grinning. It only made him that much angrier. Starscream shouldered Steve out of the doorway and made a hasty exit from the little apartment of horrors. He could sort out details later. Right now, he needed to be in the safety of his own home where his mate was waiting for him.

…

Starscream found himself on the floor of the shower rack as soon as he arrived home. Optimus had left again. It must have been urgent. Starscream didn’t bother to comm him to ask. He was far too concerned with himself at the moment; he forced a digit down his throat repeatedly in order to make himself purge whatever foreign substance was swallowed. So far, he’d only managed to cough up a minor amount of bile. It didn’t feel like enough. It probably wouldn’t ever be enough for him to feel clean again. Starscream hated that coolant welled up in his optics for the umpteenth time in the past few weeks.

There was little time to quell his anguish as Starscream heard the front door being unlocked. Optimus was probably returning from whatever emergency he surely had to attend. Starscream stood on shaky pedes and turned on the water a moment, letting it rinse away the past hour. Or however long he’d been sitting there. Starscream rarely kept track of time anymore.

Before he left the room, Starscream took one of the limited pills he had. It nearly made him feel nauseous again. He made his way out to the front door, where Optimus was locking it behind him. Starscream waited until he turned around before giving his bulky mate a full-force embrace. Optimus returned it in kind. “Where did you go?”

“Apologies. I thought I would be back before you. I had wished to keep it a secret.”

Starscream pulled back in a hurry, feeling as if Optimus was suspicious of him all of a sudden. “W-what a secret?”

Optimus said nothing, but bent down to a decently-sized crate on the floor, one that Starscream didn’t even notice since his focus was directed solely on his mate. He lifted the crate’s lid, revealing well over a dozen or so datapads. Starscream bent down to glance them over, but turned his confused optics toward Optimus for answers.

“They are novels; some of my favorites. Though, I am unsure if they still function…”

Starscream ran a digit between them as if to skim for damage. This was a lot to process on top of everything else. “Why?”

Optimus gave his mate a sincere and almost apologetic look. “I mentioned some time ago that I would have to retrieve more novels for you so that you are not so bored at home. There were times after meetings that I went to the remains of the Iacon library in hopes that there would be something salvageable. I did not always have an abundance of time, so I could not ensure the books function to their fullest capacity. For that, I apologize. I hope that these will suffice until I can scour for more.”

Starscream was floored. Optimus had taken time out of his day to do all this for him. He never had to, and Starscream had never asked. But here it was, right here in front of him. It would have easily made him happy. If only… Starscream still had that constant weight roiling around inside his frame as his constant reminder of what he had given up to keep the two of them happy. Starscream looked from the novels to the infinite of Optimus’ optics. There was peace, where his own held turmoil.

Everything boiled to the surface where, finally, Starscream broke down into Optimus’ arms and sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails is a good theme for this chapter. Heh. I hope this better makes up for the short/uneventful previous chapter. But maybe I'm too hard on myself.
> 
> Comments and crits welcome.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact:  
> I'd originally considered using Meld instead of Steve as the antagonist, but a friend talked me out of it. Instead, she's working the front desk of the clinic, not being a terrible person.

The following day should have brought Starscream a ray of hope and happiness; with a fresh bottle of medication and his mate right next to him, everything should have been perfect. As usual, they weren’t. His actions of the previous night had instead brought him a new sense of unease and paranoia as well as the occasional nausea. There was still a constant, niggling feeling that Optimus would find out about his infidelity. Even though Optimus could be right next to him: talking to him, or even just smiling, Starscream felt like he knew.

It wasn’t as if Starscream took the actions he did because he could, and especially not for pleasure! Starscream did it because he needed medication to feel normal, to be happy, to ensure his relationship didn’t deteriorate and that Optimus didn’t have anything more to worry about on top of trying to restore Cybertron to its former glory. If Starscream had to make sacrifices for that, then so be it. The good of the planet was greater than his personal need. Or, that was what he tried to believe. He was at least getting something he wanted out of the exchange. Not even Knock Out thought his problems were that bad, and that alone carried more weight than Starscream wanted to admit.

Knock Out.

Starscream had gone off on him for being unable to supply medication two days prior. Part of him did indeed feel guilty about it, but on the other hand, Knock Out indirectly called Starscream weak. Apparently reliving one’s past via nightmares was not cause for concern, let alone alarm. Starscream felt himself bristle at such a ludicrous accusation, but he also considered other, real-life consequences of his outburst. Knock Out was assisting in Ratchet’s clinic, where he could easily tell the old mech or any anyone they worked with anything. And what was to stop him? Just his potentially flimsy word to Starscream that he would say nothing to anyone? Starscream couldn’t trust it.

With the comfort in knowing Optimus was at another Autobot meeting, Starscream pressed a digit to his comm to contact the red medic. “Knock Out.”

Several static-laced moments went by before there was an answer. Starscream wondered if it had been intentional.

/Yes?/

“It’s Starscream. I just… wanted to apologize for the other day.”

/Is that so?/ Knock Out sounded almost amused, and borderline skeptical.

Starscream considered his words enough to soften the tone. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

/Damn right you shouldn’t have./

“I- I also wanted to say you were right,” Starscream forced through gritted dentae.

/Right about what?/

“That I don’t need medication for a few bad dreams. I just haven’t slept well because of them and I’m just a bit on edge. I’ll be just fine.” Every word had almost physically hurt Starscream to say. He knew they were more than that, but it was time again to not raise suspicion about how he truly felt and chose to take care of things himself.

Another tense, too-long silence hung between them as Knock Out mulled over Starscream’s words. / _You_ don’t even believe that, do you?/

“What?”

/Despite what you may think about yourself, Starscream, you’re far from a great liar. Unless, of course, you can lay on the charm, but that really only works in-person./

“I’m not lying! And I said I’m sorry!”

/I appreciate the apology, really, I do. But if your problems truly are that bad, you should come talk to one of our shrinks, you know./

Starscream let out a frustrated sigh but kept his anger reined in; “I said I’ll be fine. I have the means to deal with it.”

/If you’re sure,/ Knock Out sighed. /But the offer is there, if ever you need it, alright? And you don’t have to contact me exclusively for medical reasons. It’s nice to catch up once in a while./

“I know,” Starscream said, then disconnected. He didn’t need Knock Out’s help, or that of a “professional”. The medication was all he needed, and with that small reminder, he took a pill from the bottle in his subspace, determined to go about his day as normal.

. . .

Optimus had come home early and he was delighted to spend it with his mate, especially after the coolant Starscream had shed over the new gifts one night earlier. It had been very moving. After a wonderfully heated interface, the two set to work on testing the extent of functionality of the novels. There were sparks here and there, flickering screens, and the occasional smoking from the monitors. But laughs and experiences were had, which were all the more important. Starscream was happy, and that was what mattered to Optimus.

Though, at the end of the day, they both discovered that only about four of the novels were fully functional, six needed some work, and the rest barely made it past the title screen if they even turned on at all. Optimus was disappointed, but Starscream still seemed thrilled overall that he had some new material to read. Though, he occasionally scratched at his plating in their collective discovery, it didn’t seem to get him down. Optimus wondered how well the seeker was doing over the course of his absence, as he’d spent most of his time with the Autobots and former Decepticons rather than at home with his mate. As he expected, the answer to his usual inquiry was roughly the same.

“Everything is fine, love. Promise,” Starscream reassured him, an adorable grin across his face.

But Optimus still could not help but worry. “Why do you keep scratching?”

“Am I?” Starscream asked. “Must be old habit. I hadn’t even noticed!”

Optimus frowned. He knew full well that Starscream had only started scratching his plating so frequently as of late, so it was a curious thing for him to do. “Please do not lie to me, Starscream.”

Starscream immediately felt like a scolded turbopuppy; his optics and wings both turned toward the floor. Before looking any more guilty, Starscream looked back up at Optimus. “I’m sorry. I suppose that’s one habit that’s hard to break,” he admitted. “It must be a side-effect of the medication.”

“I see. Has that been the only negative effect? Your nightmares seem to occur far more often than before.” Optimus had set one of the novels he’d been fiddling with to the side for the time being.

“Y-yes,” Starscream lied. He’d only started scratching when he _didn’t_ have meds. That would be a question he’d have when he inevitably had to speak with… _him_ again. Starscream picked up one of the novels to test and distract himself as he conjured more excuses. “The nightmares, well… I got cocky and thought I could go without medication for a few days since I had been feeling so well. Obviously I was wrong.”

“Starscream, you cannot do that,” Optimus said, fighting to keep his tone calm. “You could damage-“

“I KNOW! I don’t need you to lecture me like a sparkling!!”

A thick, heavy silence fell on them like an unnerving calm before a storm.

Starscream didn’t even realize he’d offlined his optics as he turned them upward. Optimus wore a look of shock and possibly sadness toward him. The seeker suddenly felt a bolt of guilt over him and muttered a very hasty apology. “I-I’m sorry.”

“Starscream, are you certain these pills are not doing more harm than good? You have not been yourself lately.”

“Of course they’re not! I just need to get used to them again, that’s all.”

Optimus gave his mate an unintentionally scrutinizing glare. “If your medication is not working as well for you as it should, I want you to speak with Rung again; see if he can give you something different.”

“I will.” Starscream was thankful he had one of the datapads in his servos as he answered; his claws had dug into the borders of the screen, damaging the thing further. It was better and less obvious than digging at his armor, at least.

“Good,” Optimus said, an air of finality to his voice. He then placed all of the less-functional datapads back in the crate. “I will check with Wheeljack to see if he cannot repair these. Regardless, I will return to Iacon soon to search for more novels for you.” After standing from the couch, Optimus gave Starscream a serene smile. Though Starscream could tell there was perhaps a twinge of disbelief beneath that façade. “Forgive me, but I have a bit more work to attend to. We are attempting to extend our reach for broadcasts so that we may reach more Cybertronians that may still be drifting.”

“I see,” Starscream said, biting his lip. As with any time it came up, he had to ask; “Still no word on them?”

“No, love. I am sorry.”

Starscream nodded. Admittedly, he only let his former mates cross his mind if the idea of seeing them again came up. They were too painful to think about, otherwise.

“I know you miss them dearly. If they are remotely as stubborn as you, I am sure they will return safely.” Optimus wasn’t one for humor; it was mostly saved for his mate, especially if it could make him smile. It was fortunate that Starscream did scoff lightly and smirk at his comment.

“Thank you,” Starscream said softly.

“You are very welcome. Please come tell me if there is anything you need.” Optimus finally turned, on his way to the spare room that he did all of his official business, where Starscream didn’t often tread unless he really needed something.

The seeker watched him on his way and sat by his lonesome on the couch, sometimes looking at the crate of broken datapads. He was glad that some of them worked fully, but then, that was the least of his worries. Even after taking a pill shortly out of recharge like he accustomed himself to do, he still felt on-edge and twitchy just hours later. Had Steve given him something weaker so that Starscream would need to refill more often? He didn’t put it past the drone to do something so vile. Though it was the last thing he wanted to do, Starscream decided to contact Steve and find out for himself.

He tread through the living room, past the kitchen, and outside into the small back yard. Starscream paced the limited space and constantly checked the door to make sure Optimus wasn’t there. He didn’t want to talk to that smarmy drone again, but he knew he had to sooner or later. Starscream activated his comm and sent a ping to Steve. He didn’t want to speak first.

/Hey, what’s up?/

 _Ugh_. Starscream was sick of this conversation already. “We need to talk.”

/Good to hear from you too, ‘Scream. What about?/

Starscream tried not to let the casual use of a nickname throw him off-subject. “These pills aren’t working! Did you give me something weaker on purpose??”

/Weaker?/ Steve asked, confused. /They’re the same as what I gave you before./

“They’re not! I took one this morning and it’s already lost its effect!”

/Oh. Ohh, I see what you’re sayin’. Nah, they’re the same ones I gave you. Just remember, you took ‘em all fast last time and now you built up a tolerance./

“Y-you didn’t warn me that would happen!”

/Primus, ‘Scream. I told you ‘one a day’ and you overdid it; what did you think was gonna happen?/

“Not this! I’ve never needed medication before, how was I supposed to know?!” Starscream was starting to grasp at straws. Part of him knew, but at the time, he didn’t really care. He just sought relief. Consequences mattered far less.

Steve sighed. /Look, it ain’t my fault you weren’t careful. Take some responsibility, will ya?/

Starscream had had it. He didn’t need to take this. He disconnected the link more abruptly than he had with Knock Out. There was a speck at the back of his mind that knew this was his fault, but Starscream wasn’t about to acknowledge its existence.

 

* * *

 

Another day went by, then another, and probably another… maybe a week?

Starscream was starting to lose track of time again. One small reprieve was that Steve hadn’t called back. He forced himself to only take a single pill a day like he had originally been told. Especially now, when he knew what he had to pay in order to get more. The longer he could put that off, the better. But as more and more time went by, Starscream found himself craving more treatment. One pill was not enough to stave off the pain, the itch, and especially not the nightmares that haunted him every other night.

The seeker had decided to scratch the itch in more unconventional ways, but the most common was coaxing Optimus into a sometimes rough interface. It was a pleasant release to them both, and Starscream found himself asking more and more often. But Optimus always understood.

They had taken to the bedroom this day, and Starscream had made himself presentable on his hands and knees. Optimus was glad to have him, even when his mate had demanded no preparation. The gradual stretch had been a painful sort of pleasure to Starscream and Optimus had not yet felt his shame drift away as he inwardly confessed his thorough enjoyment of the vice-like grip of Starscream’s valve.

No words had been exchanged. There was only the heat, the desire, the moment. The eventual release.

Part of the way through their fairly vanilla session, Starscream still found himself distracted. The medication was still there, close to the forefront of his mind. It needed to go away! Instead of letting his craving take over, he beckoned Optimus close so that his much larger frame covered his own and whispered in his audial: “I want to have sparklings.”

Optimus stopped his movements in an instant, and despite the heavy pulse in his spike that the seeker was sure to feel, it briefly put Starscream on edge. Was that the completely wrong thing to say? Did Optimus think it a terrible idea?

“Starscream,” Optimus said. There was a miniscule shudder to his voice that Starscream barely caught. The Prime wrapped one arm around his mate as fully as he could, but then used a free servo to bring Starscream’s face to turn toward his before continuing. “There is little else I would love more in the universe than to start a family with you.”

Starscream felt a burst of excitement course through him, but it vanished in an instant.  There was the pause in Optimus’ voice. He knew there was a condition that was to be brought up. “But?”

“But… I would prefer that you were off your medication before we go through with that. Whether you carry or sire, it could have detrimental effects to the unborn sparkling if we were to begin the process anytime soon.”

Starscream slumped on the bed, but only his chest and face made contact. His hips remained up, connected to Optimus as it needed to be. He didn’t even realize that Optimus had said he was willing to carry. With those words, he decided that was another thing ruined because of those blasted pills.

“I am sorry, love. That is just-“

“I get it,” Starscream muttered, pushing himself back up, and back again to get Optimus moving again. “Just frag me.”

There was hesitation to Optimus’ movements with the change in Starscream’s mood, yet he still strived to make him happy. “Are you cer-“

“Yes!” Starscream bucked harder against his mate. “Harder!”

Finally Optimus obeyed, sitting straight up and gripping Starscream’s slender hips for leverage, he thrust hard and fully into his mate’s valve. He took in every whimper, every moan, and every bit of Starscream’s desire as it met his own in a magnificent crescendo of pleasure. Still Starscream demanded more, and harder, until his hip-plating was dented in the shape of Optimus’ fingers, but neither cared as the scraping and squelching helped them both reach their peak in an explosive finale. Together.

It took much of the Prime’s strength to not topple over on his mate, but it was unlikely that Starscream would have minded anyway. The two were a heaving mess, both exhausted and dripping with condensation and other various fluids. Optimus sloppily placed kisses along the back of Starscream’s helm and neck and occasionally wings, which the seeker especially loved. It wasn’t until Optimus finally started to pull out that Starscream let out a few harsh gasps and whimpers, and Optimus had assumed that it was just from the usual separation that Starscream wasn’t ready for. Instead, as Optimus looked down at their joining that he did realize that there was a bit of dulled, blue energon on his spike. Not from him, it seemed, but Starscream. He felt himself panic. “I-I think you’re bleeding!”

Starscream was still in a post-coital daze, not even realizing that Optimus Prime of all mechs had actually stuttered. He still was positioned on hands and knees in a bit of a high. “Hm?”

“Starscream, you are bleeding,” Optimus punctuated more clearly. “We should get you to the clinic immediately.”

For whatever reason, that seemed to snap Starscream out of his stupor. “N-no!”

“You are in need of medical attention,” Optimus said, quickly shuffling out of the berth and tucking his equipment away.

When Optimus had reached for his comm-link, Starscream made to sit, though he was admittedly in a bit of pain. “I’m not! I’ll be fine; I’ve had far worse! When I was with Megatron-“

“Please spare me, Starscream. You have told me plenty of your time with him,” Optimus said, more sternly than he meant to.

Guilt weighed Starscream’s wings down yet again as he suddenly found the bedsheets more interesting to look at and his thoughts began to spiral.

“I apologize; but please, we should see a doctor for your injury.”

“I barely feel it. I’m sure it’s just a scratch,” Starscream explained, still refusing to make optic-contact. He wasn’t about to admit to Optimus though, that there was more pleasure than pain in his valve. It felt refreshing, and to a small degree, nostalgic.

Optimus however felt conflicted. He’d possibly torn Starscream open, yet the seeker didn’t seem to care all that much. Maybe it was nothing and Starscream knew what he was talking about. After all, Starscream had interfaced far more frequently than he had over the past few centuries or so since becoming Prime. Starscream knew his limits. He resigned with a weighty sigh. “If you are sure. May we at least clean you up?”

Starscream spared a glance at Optimus before going back down, then nodding. He got up and made his way into the shower, still no contact being made with his mate. Optimus followed, making sure to leave little distance between them, in case the seeker had another one of his episodes and decided to lock the door again. (If the door could even lock anymore, after Optimus threw it open.) Fortunately, Starscream had started on the taps and rested himself against the wall, hiding his face but leaving his panel open so that Optimus could do as he wished.

The door had shut behind them and Optimus had taken note of the shudder of Starscream’s frame and the drop in his wings. He was afraid. Optimus hated to see him this way. He took one of the convenient cleaning meshes from the rack and set to rubbing down Starscream’s slender thighs, where the energon had leaked. “Are you in any pain?”

“No. I told you, it was probably just a scratch.”

Though Starscream may have been just fine with this little accident, Optimus was not. He felt a great deal of conflict within himself. Injuring a lover during interface definitely shouldn’t have been commonplace! “I am sorry, Starscream.”

Starscream’s wings perked up for merely a second before dropping back down. What did Optimus have to be sorry for? “I know.” It was a very lackluster answer. But Starscream didn’t need Optimus’ apologies or his sympathies. He was a strong mech, made even stronger for the many hardships he’d had in his lifetime. Especially his time with Megatron. “He never apologized, you know. He always made me feel like I deserved it, I had _earned_ it…”

“I know, love. You do not need to speak of it any further.” It wasn’t a request, it was a demand. Optimus was sick of hearing about Megatron. Was he jealous? Why would he be? Megatron was a tyrant who only ever abused Starscream. There was no question that Optimus was the better mech.

But, Starscream obeyed and stayed silent. There was plenty more he wanted to say, not just about Megatron, but about his current situation. He wanted badly to tell Optimus that he needed proper help. If he did, though, Optimus was sure to leave him if he was given very particular details. Starscream couldn’t have that. He needed to sustain that which he earned.

Before he could delve further into the subject, Optimus had finished cleansing him of excess fluids. “I believe the bleeding has stopped for now. How are you feeling?” Optimus stood, setting aside the mesh and stroking Starscream’s wings.

“Fine. Just tired.”

“Alright.” Optimus took Starscream’s servo in his own and led him from the racks into their berth again. Starscream made himself comfortable with his back to the wall and facing Optimus; the Prime lying next to him, a soft smile on his face. Starscream didn’t entirely return the gesture. Optimus could tell he was still in pain, whether mentally or physically. He stroked the seeker’s face in the barest comfort he could offer. “Rest well, my love.”

Starscream nodded, though his inner turmoil continued. There was so much to consider, to dwell on. He buried it as deep into his mind as he could for the night so he could rest; it would all come back to plague him on the morrow, anyway.

 

 

There had been a breakthrough. Several droves of Cybertronians had come back to their homeland, and for the moment, it was the most beautiful and spark-warming thing in the universe. The expanded broadcast must have worked.

Starscream was glad their population grew, but so did his own problems.

Optimus was away far more often to welcome the wanderers back, but Starscream had often stayed behind. He didn’t always do well around new people, at least not now that he was having a harder and harder time focusing. Besides that, Optimus didn’t want to have sparklings until Starscream no longer needed medication to be normal. Who could know when that would even be?! It didn’t help that the seeker was addicted to the damnable things… But they just made him feel so good! Megatron could have been alive and looking to kill him, and he wouldn’t have even cared. Now, they were a double-edged sword: he was normal – even happy – with them, and without, he was a nervous, antsy mess. He hated what he’d become, but it scarcely mattered. As long as he had medication, he could be happy. It had quickly become his constant in life.

 

 

The days had passed. Life became more difficult; not due to outside interference, but because one pill was simply not enough. There was an hour at most that Starscream felt fine after he took a single tablet before he was tense and subconsciously clawing himself. Though he’d told Optimus it was a side-effect of the medication, his mate still worried, as Starscream sometimes seemed to dig deep enough into his armor that he’d almost start bleeding.

Two a day was barely ebbing the frequency of bad dreams. There were nights that Starscream found himself pinned under someone, always with sharp claws and malicious intent. Those were the nights that Starscream took another when he was roused from his sleep. Rarely did he not wake Prime, as his mate was always out during the day and sometimes the night. Long-lost Cybertronians didn’t exactly plan their return, so Optimus had to be there for them, sometimes leaving Starscream to his own devices.

It couldn’t be helped.

Starscream was down to two tablets that night and he knew without a doubt that they would be gone before it was over. As if reactionary to that knowledge, he dialed up his comm again to Steve. This time, the answer was almost instant.

/Yes sir./

“I’m almost out. When can I see you?”

/Ohh, I love it when you ask me that,/ Steve purred. /Come over tonight. I can kick my roomies out./

“Fine.”

The comms disconnected and the date had been set, but Starscream suddenly felt… wrong. That was far easier than it should have been and he’d only done this once. Steve wasn’t angry Starscream used the meds faster than he should have? He didn’t want to think about it, so he let Optimus know he would be out for a bit, and off he went.

The trip to Steve’s cramped little apartment complex had been more driven than the first. Starscream knew what he needed to do and he was determined to get it over with. He knocked on the door and mere seconds passed before Steve (probably?) was at the door and letting him in. The door-greeter had said nothing as Starscream passed the threshold and stood almost awkwardly in front of two other drones on the couch. Turns out it wasn’t Steve but one of his roommates. Steve was just returning from the kitchen with a cube of dull, blue liquid.

“Hey hey!” Steve greeted, walking up and using his free arm to wrap around Starscream’s waist and pull him into a sort-of hug. Starscream said nothing in response, but he tensed further, pulling his armor in close. “Told you guys he was coming! ‘Scream, these are my roomies: Billi,” he started, pointing to one identical drone on the couch, who waved his hand. “Max,” pointing to the drone next to him, “And Twitch,” pointing to the last drone at the door, who looked like his namesake. The pitiful thing was shivering whenever he moved. “Guys, you remember Starscream?”

“The guys” answered a collective “yes” in varying degrees of indifference. It made Starscream nervous. He ventured a guess that these were drones that didn’t much care for him during the war.

“Okay, great. Isn’t it time you get going?” Steve asked hurriedly, still holding Starscream close to him.

“The good dancers don’t even start til later,” Billi complained.

“That was before the war, remember? Who knows what they got now? It’s all new! Go look. Go, go, go.”

There was a distinguishable groan from Max and a scoff from Billi; Twitch – who was still at the door – said nothing, but led his friends outside.

“Don’t have too much fun,” Billi said on his way out.

Steve finally broke his hold on Starscream to close and lock the door after the other drones had finally exited. He then turned back to Starscream for an unasked-for explanation. “We convinced your Wrecker buddies it’d be a good idea to build the dance club back up. Must be why everybody’s startin’ to come back, yeah?” he laughed.

“Yes, I’m so sure a sleazy club is bringing everyone back in droves,” Starscream bit out.

Steve cocked his helm to the side with a “tsk”. “You don’t gotta be like that, ya know. I’m just messing around.”

“Like what? Angry?”

“Yeah, and snarky,” the Eradicon said casually, stepping up to Starscream and stopping less than a foot in front of him. At his final step, he saw the seeker’s wings drop. “What’s wrong? Not scared of me now, are ya?”

Starscream growled. He cursed his weakness and attempted to fight back. “No. Just infuriated I have to deal with you for what I need.”

“Aw, that’s not very nice. I’m just trying to help you out here.”

“Like hell you are.”

“Selling you pills that help you get on with your life doesn’t help you? You don’t even have to see a shrink! Isn’t that great?”

“Considering I have to cheat on my mate to do so, I’d say no,” Starscream forced through gritted teeth.

“I told you, you got a choice. I’m not forcing you to do a thing,” Steve said, though he conveniently pulled a bottle from his subspace to get Starscream’s attention. It had looked the same as the others: clear, with a torn-off label, and not nearly enough white tablets inside. “But uh, you still want these, right?”

A whine fell from Starscream’s lips and he hated himself for it. Such a response only got Steve’s engines revving and gave him his answer.

“Good. Kneel for me?”

Starscream stood there, defiant by nature and once again livid with this disgusting drone. How dare he try to give him orders! Who did he think he was? But, the longer he stared at Steve’s faceless gaze, the more nervous he felt, and the more he considered and reconsidered his situation and how dire it was.

“C’mon…” Steve brought a servo to Starscream’s face, but it was abruptly slapped away.

“Don’t touch me, filthy _drone_.”

Starscream made sure to emphasize the word, making sure it struck as an insult. Though Steve was not a seeker, his wings still twitched all the same and his plating flared. That had gotten to him, but his voice betrayed his physical reaction.

“Look, ‘Scream, you can either buy these pills from me or you can leave if you’re gonna be so rude.”

“Rude?” Starscream laughed. “Then what does that make you, pushing your pills for sex? Nothing short of some low-life drug dealer, a petty criminal.”

“We’re all criminals here, ‘Scream. Besides, I didn’t hear your precious Prime lay down any rules. If I’m the bad mech here, the ‘criminal’, the lowly _drone_ that clearly ain’t worth your time, then why haven’t you left already?”

Starscream winced, backing up a step. “T-that’s not what I-“

“It’s because you need these, right? You don’t care about cheating on Prime. They’re the only thing gettin’ you through the day. Tell me if I’m wrong,” Steve said, advancing on the seeker.

“You planned this the whole time, didn’t you?” Starscream asked, the edge still in his voice but still he retreated until his wings spread flat against the wall. “You’ve done this before.”

“Maybe. Doesn’t change our arrangement, though. So.” Steve boxed Starscream in with his arms. “Yes or no?”

Once again, Starscream was more than ashamed that he didn’t immediately leave. Because of that, he knew what the answer was, and so did Steve. He felt himself surrender; Starscream slid down the wall and landing on his aft. His glare returned to Steve’s visor. “You won’t get away with this.”

“Depends on you,” Steve replied as his spike rose from its panel with a hiss. He pressed it against Starscream’s lips, which eventually complied. Steve sighed. “You need me, though. Without me and these pills, you’re nothing.”

Starscream gasped and tried to pull away from the spike, but Steve stayed on him, keeping the seeker pinned to the wall by his helm. Fear helped keep Starscream in place, and feeling completely unable to move, he retreated into his processors as far and as fast as he could.

Over and over Starscream told himself he did this for Optimus: his love and his life. The pills helped him be happier than words could describe, and Starscream constantly found himself going out of his way to do something for his mate. Optimus always, _always_ appreciated it. Starscream knew he did.

“Look at me.”

Starscream’s comforting thoughts were broken. By _him_ again.

“Think you can swallow for me this time?”

As best he could, Starscream shook his helm.

“That’s too bad. I guess you don’t want the pills,” Steve said casually, pulling himself from Starscream’s mouth.

Starscream panicked, afraid that Steve really would withhold them from him otherwise, and latched himself back onto that hated spike, sucking with more enthusiasm than he ever wanted to put forth. He hated himself. But this was what Optimus wanted, wasn’t it? For Starscream to be medicated, to function like a normal mech? Starscream had to do this for his mate. This was all for the sake of Optimus and what he wanted.

Steve was pleased with the sudden enthusiasm, and met his release into Starscream’s throat, without resistance. “Good boy…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to thank everyone for reading and especially to those leaving kudos/comments. Feedback is incredibly helpful.
> 
> Comments and crits forever welcomed.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I know how much longer this fic will go, finally. I just wish I could make the word counts a little more consistent.

Arcee and Bumblebee both had been watching the monitors for the past few hours and had been feeling quite bored. Usually, Arcee took on this duty herself, since her fellow Autobots didn’t see it as necessary, at least not as much as she did. None of the Decepticons could not be trusted – “change of allegiance” or not - especially not Starscream. There were some days it infuriated her that Optimus put so much blind faith in the seeker, so much as to BOND with him, even. He was sure to betray Optimus like he had Megatron so often during the war, she just knew it.

Several times, Arcee had been all-too-tempted to type Starscream’s designation into the search engine to see if he was doing anything shady. But even that had its limitations, as Optimus had protested any sort of audio or video recording of them. The Prime was being entirely too lenient, she thought. The screen only showed dots with names on a map and movement outside of buildings.

Arcee lazily scrolled through the long list of names and stopped on one at random: a drone named “Stan” that was at one of their construction sites, along with about another ten drones. A different monitor showed the layout of the clinic with another two dots indicating Decepticons, including Knock Out. Arcee trusted him slightly more, if for nothing else, his shameless sense of self-preservation. Ratchet did so enough to have the always-preening mech move in with him. That was strange in itself. Maybe the world around her was going mad.

“Anything interesting?” Bumblebee asked.

“No. They’re all in groups, all where they have us physically watching them,” Arcee sighed.

“If you need to get out for a minute, I can take over. This isn’t exactly a two-bot job.”

“I’m good. Just, the only thing that’s been out of place is Starscream popping up on radar with the others, but that’s been happening the past few months…”

“You know we’re not supposed to be watching him,” Bumblebee reminded her.

“I haven’t! But I can’t exactly help it if he shows up with one of them. What am I supposed to do, immediately watch someone else?”

“I dunno, maybe. What’s the big deal, though? Maybe he’s made some new friends.”

“Or starting an uprising…” Arcee muttered.

“Seriously? You really think he’d throw away peace on Cybertron like that?”

“Well, that wasn’t my only guess.”

“Arcee, I get you don’t trust him. But after three years? Don’t’ you think he’d have made himself obvious by now if he was revolting or something?”

“It’s not just that, though.”

“Then what else?”

Optimus had entered through the door of the small command center to check on his two comrades. “Arcee, Bumblebee. Is everything alright? Do you require a break?”

The two looked at each other, then back to Optimus with very different expressions. Bumblebee had attempted to say that they were fine, but Arcee had other plans.

“We’re fine, but there’s something I wanted to discuss with you. _In private_ , if you have a moment.”

Optimus hesitated, but answered honestly. “I do.”

Bumblebee had easily gotten the hint and stood to make himself scarce. “I’ll uh, just let myself out. Get some energon, or something.”

And with that, Bumblebee made his hasty exit. That had only added to Optimus’ concern. “What is it you wish to speak with me about, Arcee?” he asked, wariness etched into his voice.

“It’s about Starscream.”

Optimus frowned, his suspicions realized. But being the fair Prime that he was, he would hear her out all the same. “What about him?”

“Have you noticed he’s been spending a lot of time with the Vehicons in the past few months?”

“He has found friendship in some of them, yes; he also informs me when he is leaving the house. I am fully aware.”

Arcee was genuinely surprised Optimus knew these things and that he was perfectly fine with all of it. But that wasn’t going to stop her from expressing her concerns. “And that doesn’t make you, I don’t know, suspicious?”

“Please get to your point, Arcee.”

“I think he’s cheating on you, Optimus. He follows some of these bots around and-“

“Arcee,” Optimus cut in; vitriol threatening to lash out if contained any longer. “I have not forgotten your bias against Starscream-“

“Optimus-“

“But unless you have definitive, undeniable proof that Starscream is doing such an egregious thing, _please_ , keep it to yourself.”

“I can’t, Optimus. You know I’m just worried about you! Starscream can’t be trusted-“

“ _I_ trust him, Arcee. I also trust the Vehicons that have converted; and if they defect from us entirely, we will know. Just like I will know if Starscream is being… unfaithful.”

“You can’t possibly know that, though; not unless we record their every movement!”

“That is not how we are operating. They all require us to trust them, and they to trust us. If they see that we do not find them faithful to their word, their trust in us will degrade, as will the chances of Cybertron flourishing further.”

Optimus’ voice dropped an octave, and by Primus, it was intimidating. However, Arcee was certain to get her point across. “It’s for precaution. It has been for all the ‘ex-Decepticons’, too. I-I’m not playing favorites, here!”

“I want to believe that, Arcee, but your constant singling-out of Starscream suggests otherwise.” Optimus felt his anger rise to the top, but it would not boil over. He was not that kind of mech. “If you have irrefutable evidence, do not hesitate to tell me. Until then, I reiterate: keep your accusations to yourself.”

Optimus was not going to argue further with Arcee, though she tried to stop him; thus, he exited the room, leaving her with the monitors she so often preferred. Though she had definitely crossed the line, he wasn’t about to lash out at her, either. She was, as she said, just worried about him. The sentiment was nice, but the bias was grating and at times, infuriating.

Optimus knew Starscream better than anyone! Starscream would never cheat on him. He was a changed mech; certainly not the devious schemer that he used to be. No, the seeker had grown accustomed to a normal life; he was finally free of Megatron and other negative influences. He turned over a new wing. Starscream had Optimus, and Optimus had Starscream. They loved each other.

 

* * *

 

“I know, Doc. Sorry I’m late.”

/I have been growing concerned with your later check-ins, dear Steve. Have you been feeling alright?/

“Oh, totally! I’ve just been, ah, distracted by other stuff lately,” Steve said. His servo remained on the back of Starscream’s helm so that he would keep on task. The seeker still wasn’t quite done with his payment and the important call wasn’t about to interrupt it.

/But you have informed me you have been going through more pills than normal. How often have you been taking them?/

“Maybe a little more than you told me, Doc. Just two ain’t doin’ it for me anymore.”

/Steve… You are not overdosing, are you?/

“What? Of course not!” Steve looked down to Starscream, noticing the seeker had closed his optics. He snapped his fingers to get Starscream’s attention, then pointed to his own visor: _‘Look at me’._ Starscream obeyed the wordless command, continuing to suck Steve’s spike at a leisurely pace. “I think I’ve just built up too much of a tolerance. Sorry, Doc.”

/It is true, you have been taking those awhile. How about you come in tomorrow to discuss how you have been feeling lately and we will go from there?/

“Yeah, you got it, Doc,” Steve answered, but still paying most of his attention to the submissive seeker between his legs. He stroked a gentle servo against Starscream’s cheek, which was verily appreciated.

/At nine-hundred hours. Is this acceptable?/

“Sounds great! You’re the best,” Steve said before disconnecting the comm and directing his attention fully to Starscream. “Hear that, babe? We might be getting you stronger stuff.”

Starscream moaned his appreciation around Steve’s spike. As long as he could have his cloud of happiness back, he didn’t really care what he was taking for it.

“J-just one a day though, okay?” Steve snickered, finally reaching his overload.

 

* * *

 

Starscream felt like he was leaving Steve’s domicile every night for a new bottle of pills. It mattered less and less every time though. He was practically numb to it. Instead of a “necessary evil”, the pills were just the constant in his life he gave practically nothing for in return. And every night he came home to Optimus, he felt a little less guilty every time. The happier the medication made him, the less suspicious his behavior was.

The damage done to his armor had become less frequent, and old scars quickly healed themselves. Adversely, Starscream’s fix had become more acute, as a mere hour would quickly replenish his need for more. He was grateful when Steve finally gave him something stronger. It lasted a bit longer, and even helped the seeker forget almost everything for the entire day. Starscream had, on at least one or two occasions, overestimated the strength of them and blacked out for a better part of the day. He was just lucky Optimus wasn’t home. But then, it seemed Optimus was home less and less as weeks dragged by.

Thankfully, the stronger meds meant fewer meetups. But Steve was persistent and liked to impose in an effort to spend more time with him. “Come out with me tonight!” he would insist. There was always some sort of bribery. Starscream never wanted to, but the chance to have more meds was enticing, and would mean one less payment down the road.

There was one night where Steve had brought him to that familiar, sleazy bar with the bar-mech (whose name was apparently something ridiculous. “Transfuzor”, or something archaic like that) who held disdain for Decepticons. Starscream was caught off-guard though, as the bar-mech started a conversation with Steve as he set two, brightly-colored drinks to them.

“Finally have my meds?” Transfuzor asked.

“Of course I do!” Steve answered cheerily.

As Steve reached into his subspace to retrieve said medication, Starscream suddenly felt something he never should have held for anyone who wasn’t his mate. Steve was selling to this mech too?! That must have meant that the mech was paying in sexual favors as well. Steve had said he didn’t need money, after all. Starscream _wasn’t_ special in this case. He was just another trophy. His wings lowered as he watched the two chat, but didn’t listen to the conversation they were having. His mind was far too abuzz with his own, internal argument. As soon as Transfuzor walked away, Starscream addressed Steve instead. “I see I’m not your only customer.”

“What?” Steve asked.

“You’re selling to him too, aren’t you?” Starscream inquired, taking a long draw of the neon-bright drink in front of him.

“Oh, sure. I need a little money on the side, just in case things go to slag here, ya know?”

Starscream had set his drink down rather harshly as he took in Steve’s answer. “He’s giving you _money_ for drugs?”

“Yeah,” Steve said simply. The two looked at each other before the Eradicon finally caught Starscream’s concern. “Oh! Hey, don’t worry; you’re the only one I’m gettin’ ‘special treatment’ from, okay?”

“Keep your voice down!” Starscream hissed, a rush of energon flowing to his face.

“Nobody here cares, babe. Trust me.”

“So?! I don’t want-“ Starscream’s words froze in his throat as Steve’s servo began wandering his thigh. “-I don’t want anyone finding out.” The words were forced as much as his stillness. Such was learned behavior.

“And no one will. Nobody important, anyway. Really, I’d hate to ruin what we have,” Steve purred. His servo glided dangerously close to Starscream’s panel, making the seeker close his legs. Steve decided to back off slightly, instead only rubbing around Starscream’s knee.  “Heh, sorry. You’re just… you’re really pretty, ya know?” he said, sipping his own drink quickly.

Starscream only nodded as Steve continued to molest him in public. Eventually, the drone turned his attention to Starscream’s nearest wing, and the seeker was helpless beneath the explorative servo. He turned his attention toward his drink instead as he started to feel light-headed and warm. All he needed was to get the eventual payment over with so he could return home.

It had been so long since he’d felt this powerless.

 

* * *

 

In the back of his mind, Starscream truly did feel like he’d hit rock bottom. Even with new medication, he was still paying Steve almost twice a week, usually wherever the drone felt like, in front of whoever he liked. Neither became a stranger to an uncalled-for audience for the process of payment when Starscream visited Steve’s home, but like everything else, Starscream grew used to it and stopped caring.

Starscream sometimes found himself wishing they were still at war. Times were so simple, then. All Starscream had to do was give and follow orders. He could pull rank whenever he liked with whoever he liked except for one. Even the more secretive, followed orders from that mech became simpler, even if they were unpredictable. The inevitable offline would have been merciful, if nothing else. But these were not war times, and Starscream was leading a domestic life with an adoring mate, which should have been a welcomed reprieve. Instead, he had to sneak around Optimus’ back, giving sexual favors to a mech for medication that would better him, all in the name of normalcy and the good of his mate. Possibly even for Cybertron. It was far more tiring than the war had ever been. Though unintended, Optimus saved Starscream from his personal hell, and Starscream would repay the favor the best way he knew how.

The seeker’s need for medication outgrew almost everything else, and with his beloved mate housing incoming bots every other day, Starscream had nothing better to do than down the occasional pill to forget everything he’d lost.

 

* * *

 

Optimus was exhausted. Another day dodging possibly Starscream-related conversation with Arcee and another spent discussing with the Wreckers about what type of building should go up next. With the sudden influx of natives, of course it would be housing that would be built. Though, it was also recommended by Bulkhead that more recreational buildings should go up also, since they could improve morale and overall satisfaction of the inhabitants. Optimus couldn’t argue with that logic, but he still prioritized the housing so that families may have their own domiciles to stay, separate from others, and so on.

Finally, he was able to return home, though late in the night, he hoped his mate might still be up. Luck was in his favor this time.

“About time you’re home!” Starscream said cheerily as Optimus walked in the door. He quickly wrapped his arms around Optimus’ neck, then pulled him inside. “I’ve missed you!”

“I have missed you, too, love.”

The tired lull in Optimus’ voice did not go unnoticed by Starscream. “Rough day?” he asked, urging Optimus to the couch and sitting next to him. He quickly draped himself over his larger mate.

“Yes. With the new arrivals, there is still much to be done. More came back than we anticipated, so many of them have to share homes. I am urging the construction crew to work on that first.”

“Good!” Starscream responded, though not fully comprehending what the Prime had said. Instead, he quickly pulled Optimus into another embrace, nuzzling his larger mate’s neck and even daring to nibble at it slightly. “Want me to relieve some of that stress for you?”

“Forgive me, but I am not in the mood,” Optimus said, though he did not fight the advances that Starscream impressed on him.

“But I am… Please? I know I can make you feel better.”

Optimus looked to Starscream, and saw more assertion. It had been slightly contrasting to the past few months when the seeker was either totally upbeat or utterly miserable. There was rarely an in-between. Optimus was glad to see Starscream so willing to make him happy, but he also could not force himself into the mood to interface. “I am sorry, love. I do not feel like it.”

Starscream huffed at the second rebuttal. In fact, he seemed outright offended. “Fine. I know when I’m not wanted.” He stood from the couch and faced his mate to declare he was going out and started walking toward the door.

Optimus was poised to let him, until he remembered Arcee’s words to him; those same words that had sown inescapable doubt in him. He did not want to believe her, but Starscream’s words had set something off in him. “I do not want you leaving, Starscream.”

“I don’t care! I’m going!”

This time, Optimus stood to further get his point across. “Listen to me, Starscream-“ He took Starscream by the wrist as he tried to walk out the door. “You are not leaving.”

Starscream became hyper-focused on the powerful servo on his wrist. He looked to it before glancing back to the owner. Seeing the serious look on his mate’s face caused his vents to pick up and his wings to twitch. “L-let go!”

Optimus pulled the slight seeker back by his arm with ease to allow the door to shut. “Then you will stay here,” he said sternly.

Starscream shook his head, his wings dropped and even his plating clenched in on itself. Why was Optimus doing this? Because he dared object to the denial in interface? Or maybe Optimus knew what he’d been doing this whole time? What would he do to him?? He felt the servo on his wrist grip more tightly and he could have sworn he heard the delicate metal underneath being crushed. “You’re hurting me!!”

Like a switch, Optimus let go of Starscream’s wrist and stepped back to give him room. He briefly looked at his own servo before turning back to his mate, who was holding his injured appendage and shaking. “Starscream- I-“

“Get away from me!” Starscream cried as he ran past Optimus, back into their berthroom and locking the door.

Optimus gave chase and wanted to pry the door open, to apologize to Starscream, to ensure his injury was taken care of, to do everything in his power to make up for his abhorrent mistake. Arcee’s words were long-forgotten. On shaky pedes, he only did the former, but stopping at the closed door. At this point, he wasn’t sure what to do. He heard Starscream attempting to stop his whimpering from the other side of the door. It did nothing to help him. Optimus was frustrated not only with the situation but with himself. How could he be so careless as to lash out like that?! “Starscream, please-“

“Go away!” Starscream growled. Inevitably, his fervor broke down into dry-heaves, then more whimpering. “Just go away…”

“I am so sorry, Starscream. Please, let me… let me make up for it.”

Several minutes passed with no response. There was no answer from Starscream. There was just his gradual sobbing. Optimus couldn’t take it.

The Prime finally walked away from the door and sat on the couch in the living room instead so that he may sort this out. He rested his helm in his servos. He’d _hurt_ Starscream. Optimus had never intentionally hurt his mate! Even accidents the seeker could shrug off, but this… this was different. Starscream was actually afraid of him, and Optimus had no idea what he could do to remedy that. It was sure to have lasting effects. He felt ill. But, Optimus tried his damndest to force logic to take over and decide the best course of action.

Starscream clearly needed to be alone; the last thing he wanted was to see Optimus right now. So, Optimus was willing to grant him that. He would take the couch tonight and give Starscream his privacy and alone time that he clearly needed. In the morning, Optimus would attempt to right his wrongs. Any sleep he hoped to gain would be a gift from Primus himself.

. . .

Optimus woke the next morning, forgetting momentarily why he was there in the first place. Without taking the time to fully online, he sat up and made his way back to the locked door again. He knocked softly. “Starscream, are you awake?”

Behind the door, he could hear light shuffling and nothing more. Optimus let another minute pass before he knocked again. “Please, love. Open the door and let us talk.” He rested his helm against the door before adding, “I will not even touch if you do not want me to.” Optimus was still furious with himself for laying an aggressive hand on his mate. But as logical as ever, the Prime would not let his guilt control him. He would talk this out with Starscream and begin the healing process.

More, drawn-out moments passed where there were only the sounds of Starscream’s delicate heels tapping on the floor beneath him. He could have been pacing again, Optimus couldn’t quite tell. They were sporadic, uneven. Somewhere along the line, he heard the sound of a pill bottle being rattled, and that caused Optimus to worry further. Eventually he heard the steps grow closer and stop at the door.

“What do you want?” Starscream asked. He sounded tired. Perhaps he hadn’t slept at all. Optimus couldn’t blame him.

“I want to apologize. Starscream, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for my actions last night. They were uncalled for and far over the line of reason. I should not have lashed out at you the way I did.”

“I’m used to it.”

That was a stinging blow that tore through Optimus’ spark like plasma-fire. He knew what Starscream meant, and like every comparison before it, he hated it. At least there was something to set them apart. “I will not deny that I deserved that. However, I want to make it up to you.”

“And how do you plan on doing that?” Starscream asked with a scoff.

“I am… uncertain. However you wish me to. I know that apologizing alone will not be enough. But please, open the door. I do not want to keep talking like this.”

Again, Starscream did not answer, but various sounds filled the gap of silence. This time, there was the sound of something sharp against metal to accompany the pacing. Optimus wanted to bring it up, but before that, he needed his mate to get rid of the physical barrier between them. He heard a curse, then steps again toward the door before the thing finally moved to the side. Starscream was there as expected, but looking absolutely abysmal: he kept his gaze toward the floor, his wings mimicking them, with a few extra claw marks on his chest. Optimus almost didn’t know what to make of him.

“Love?”

Starscream dared to look up at his larger mate, fear evident in his optics. Through his blurry vision, Optimus almost looked concerned, or perhaps angry. He couldn’t tell for sure, as his helm was swimming, but he didn’t want to take the chance to upset him again. Despite his ability to argue just moments ago, Starscream suddenly found it difficult to face his mate. He worried of a repeat the night prior since he had been defiant again. Perhaps he’d be punished accordingly? “What did I do wrong?” Starscream asked.

Optimus felt a second blazing pain in his spark at Starscream’s question. His voice had even broken as he asked. Starscream was blaming himself? “It was not your fault. I have just been under much stress from all the work the Autobots and I have been doing. We are doing our best to make things comfortable for everyone.

“However, it is abundantly clear to me that I have been neglecting you in the process, and for that also, I apologize.” Optimus paused to see Starscream’s reaction, which also radiated guilt, and he couldn’t figure out why. “I will try harder to spend more time with you, Starscream, but please know that you are also more than welcome to join me out in the field. You are under no obligation to work if you merely wish to spend time together that way.”

Starscream’s optics darted about and nodded as Optimus had finished. Was he even listening?

“Please say something.”

“You scared me, you know,” Starscream said, more under his breath than to answer. “I didn’t know what you were going to do, besides break my arm…” The seeker held on to his injured wrist as he spoke, his vents stuttered like he was struggling for air.

Optimus was finally seeing the physical effects of what he’d done. There was no obvious damage to the seeker’s wrist, but the pure stress Starscream was under spoke volumes. Optimus reached out a servo to him – slowly – but his mate only flinched as he did. It was painful to witness. What _could_ he do? Starscream was afraid of him! Without giving it any thought, Optimus dropped to his knees in front of Starscream and looked him straight in the optics. “I am deeply sorry for my mistake, Starscream. Please know that I am willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage I have done. I hope that you can forgive me in time.”

Now it was Starscream who was at a loss. Optimus seemed to mean every word, but then, when didn’t he? He was always honest to a fault. It was something Starscream found borderline repulsive at first. But being together this long, it was something he’d grown to love and something he trusted. Could he repay that trust with his own? This was the best time to confess to his mate of all the atrocities he’d committed. Starscream felt himself tremble as he inched forward toward Optimus. He looked his mate fully in the optics before embracing him, holding Optimus’ helm against the cool glass of his cockpit.

Starscream felt the Prime give no other movement than the subtle movement against his torso. Finally, he gave Optimus his answer. “I forgive you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things have to get worse before they get better. Right?
> 
> Comments and crits always welcome.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of me wishes I'd added chapter summaries, but the other argues they're too spoiler-y.

After their domestic dispute, both Optimus and Starscream had done their best to continue the next several days as normally as possible. Optimus was careful about touching Starscream, and Starscream had tried not to let physical contact bother him. The seeker was further worried that his mate would lash out again if he wasn’t allowed to touch him, so Starscream forced himself to make the effort. It was awkward; the whole situation felt like much of the beginning of their relationship. But they had been bonded some time now and fights like this were practically nonexistent. Starscream had managed to ease himself back into close contact if only because, in his many experiences, he learned that had little right to his own body.

Starscream had taken Optimus up on his recommendation to join in on meetings again as well as on the field. On most days though, he stayed quiet. Even when Arcee gave him the usual glares, he didn’t even acknowledge them. It felt good to ignore her. He listened to conversations in the home office, and other days, he watched as a multitude of bots he did and didn’t know went to work in various fields. Those he did know (and was on good terms with) chose not to strike up conversation with him at the time, though they did grant him a courteous greeting.

He watched as a handful of drones built establishments, but he heard some others were working with the general public. It seemed they were capable of more than just fighting and dying, after all. More often than not, some of the drones eyed him warily, or begrudgingly. Who could even tell, when they all had identical, expressionless visors anyway? Perhaps it was just Starscream’s growing unease around them.

Even when he was out and about with many other bots around, there were rare times when he held conversation with anyone other than Optimus. For once, Starscream was seen, but not heard. There was always a mountain of things keeping his mind busy, whether it was medication, old friends, or his uncertain future. The best he could do for anyone was go with the flow.

Optimus had wanted to bring Starscream to the clinic, and the seeker had done his best to hide and avoid every reason not to go. There were too many ways he could be found out if he went! And what if Optimus was trying to get him to talk to Rung again for new meds, when both Rung _and_ Ratchet both knew Starscream was seeking alternative methods? Everything would fall apart! It was a damn miracle in itself that Ratchet and Optimus hadn’t discussed it amongst themselves already. Maybe it was because, as Starscream had so often said, Cybertron needed Optimus more than anything and therefore was never brought up.

On the third attempt, Starscream had finally agreed to go. He would just have to find something to conveniently hide behind if Rung happened to be there. It seemed Optimus only wanted to get him out of the house awhile. When they arrived, Meld had immediately flagged Starscream down for conversation. On the short walk to the desk, Starscream took note of the waiting room that was mostly empty. He briefly wondered if Knock Out was working that evening.

Meld first asked how he was doing with his alternative means – thankfully out of audial-shot of Optimus – Starscream had hurriedly claimed to be “better than ever”, she had quickly changed the subject. The femme was practically bouncing on her pedes as she exclaimed ecstatically that her long-lost brother from the war had finally returned home. As it turned out, her brother (who was also her twin) was a seeker and it explained her knowledge thereof. She easily gushed about her good fortune, but always remained wary of how Starscream felt via his wing movement. Should they turn down, Meld knew when to alter the discussion. She was aware, and she was kind. Cybertron needed more bots like her these days.

Starscream felt at ease with those he felt actually cared a little bit about him, and in turn, he cared more about them. A few intimate friends were usually more comforting than a crowd of followers. It was nice for a moment, but they could never fully heal him or deliver him from his problems; they couldn’t reduce his need of physical medication regardless of how he felt.

Any sweet moments Starscream was blessed with that night at the clinic had been cut short – as they had on any other occasion – by several bots coming through the doorway and approaching Meld’s counter, claiming they had a menagerie of their own illnesses to deal with and the femme had to ensure they were all checked-in and accounted for while Knock Out and another mech Starscream didn’t know rushed the patients into various rooms. In the panicked state of the clinic, the seeker sought out Optimus and chose to stay close to him instead. Starscream had secretly hoped for a moment to speak with Knock Out, but it would not happen tonight. Optimus had comforted him, but knew how stressed the environment had made him.

“Perhaps you should return home, love,” Optimus suggested.

“What? No, I’m fine.” Starscream had said that, yet the tips of his claws dug just so into his mate’s armor seams.

“Things are growing hectic here. I do not want you to be under any further stress,” Prime said, offering a weak smile.

Starscream looked to Optimus at the suggestion, and for guidance. Perhaps he was right. Anxiety never did him any favors. In fact, it only made him desire the comfort of his medication. “I understand… Thank you.” Starscream reached up to give his mate a quick kiss on the cheek before exiting the clinic and flying the short distance home.

For once, Starscream did not spend any extra time flying but made a straight line to his intended destination. Anxiety prickled at his back. At home, there was privacy where he could take his pills and be as metaphorically high as the clouds, not having to care about a thing.

No sooner had Starscream unlocked the door and walked in did he start to feel… off. More so than usual. He shook it off, instead locking the door behind him and making his way to the berthroom where he intended to ignore the world.

As he turned the corner to go in did he notice a figure with its back turned to him. Starscream tensed as he drew his laser. “Who’s there??”

The figure turned at the question, showing its familiar, glowing visor in the process. They were holding one of Optimus’ novels. “That’s a rude way to greet a friend.”

Starscream unintentionally subspaced his weapon and his wings lowered as he recognized just who it was in front of him. He switched on the light next to him. “Steve?!”

“Yeah,” the drone answered, switching off the datapad and setting it to the side. “I was hoping you’d be home early.”

“What? Why?”

“I have some more meds here with your name on ‘em.”

“I-I have plenty!” Starscream answered, though, that shouldn’t have been the main problem here. “How did you even get here?!”

“I have ways,” Steve said vaguely.

“Have you been stalking me?!”

“Hey, a dealer should know more about his client, don’t you think?”

“I don’t! Get out!”

“Oh, come on. You gotta be close to runnin’ out anyway, right?” the Eradicon asked, stepping confidently toward Starscream. “And I take it Prime won’t be home any time soon?”

“That’s none of your business!” Starscream snapped. Panic quickly took root as he questioned every possibility that Steve knew where he lived. He used it in an attempt to deflect. “They’ll know you’re here! I know Arcee can’t resist watching my movements,” he snarled.

“Oh, yeah, that’s a good point,” Steve said. “Guess you’ll just have to tell ‘em you invited me over. I just showed up early; I’m bad with time, ya know?” he shrugged.

“Like I would-“

“Or, you could say I broke in. Have me locked away. Know what happens then? No more happy pills for you.”

Suddenly the whole world was falling apart for Starscream. He realized there was no way to escape Steve, or the need for medication. He could never be normal without them! He had trapped himself in a vicious circle of addiction, secrecy, and lies. Starscream truly was a Decepticon at spark.

“Stop! I- I can’t keep doing this anymore!” Starscream said, backing away against the wall while his whole frame trembled.

“Doing what, babe?”

“Stop calling me that!!

“I don’t want this! I don’t want these pills, these problems, and especially not you! I can’t keep betraying my mate like this!”

“Are you sure about all that?” Steve countered, quickly pinning Starscream against the door. The seeker quickly backed down from the challenge, as he usually did. Even his knees started to give out from under him. “That’s what I thought. After all, with these new people comin’ in, there’s no chance you’ll see a shrink now. I’m the best you got, and if you wanna feel good, you’ll go through me. Won’t you?”

Starscream stared up into the expressionless mask before him, far more intimidated than he should have been. He nodded, realizing that Steve was right. He saw the chaos in the clinic less than an hour before. Other bots had it worse than him, he was sure, and they needed help first. Even if he chose to seek professional help, there was sure to be an even longer time before he was able to see someone. The withdrawal from what he’d been taking lately was sure to kill him in that time.

“That’s a good mech,” Steve started, looking about the room as he pretended to think about his next move. “You’ll buy these pills from me?” he asked Starscream. The seeker nodded his compliance. “Good. I like being comfortable, so, how about paying me on your berth?”

Starscream’s optics widened at the suggestion. Though it wasn’t exactly the highest tier of quality, the bed he shared with Optimus was a sacred, special thing! He wasn’t about to invite another mech into it! “I can’t do that!”

“You can’t, huh?” Steve repeated, pulling a single pill from his subspace. Starscream’s optics focused on it immediately. “How about I give you this one for free and we see how you feel about it?” The Eradicon pressed the tablet against Starscream’s lips, and he quickly accepted it into his intake without a second thought. Steve had Starscream literally eating out of his servo. This had been far too easy. He pulled his servo from Starscream as he made his way to the bed and making himself comfortable. On Optimus’ side, Starscream noticed. “Ohh…” he purred, stretching out. “This is WAY better than what we got at home.”

Starscream watched Steve for a moment and licked his lips. Not at the display, but after receiving a pill as a treat. He was gradually feeling happier, and his morality took a back seat to the rose-colored tint he saw through. Starscream stood and wobbly walked to the berth, lying between Steve’s legs. His vents were long and heavy and Steve mistook it for arousal. For a moment though, Starscream took in his surroundings through olfactory senses: there was the scent of the berth, and it smelled of Optimus and him, together yet separate. Times where they lay together, talk together, and of course, interface together. Within those sensations, there were so many memories that flooded back to him at once, more pleasant than not.

The recollections drug Starscream just low enough from his high that he was suddenly more conscious of his decisions, his higher cognition came through and prodded him to fight this. The seeker grit his teeth, realizing coolant was forming behind his optics from what he was expected to do. He mumbled a quiet plea.

Steve stroked his servo gently over the sides of Starscream’s face, in the seams of his helm, and lovingly around his vents. “Something you wanna say, Star?”

“Please… Don’t make me do this. Not here.”

Steve sighed as he pulled the affectionate servo away, tucking it behind his helm to rest. “We’ve been through this: I ain’t making you do nothin’. It’s all up to you. You know that.”

“I know, but-“

“So what’re you waiting for?” Steve asked, sliding back his panel, spike growing fully. “We ain’t exactly got all night.”

Starscream eyed the spike and he felt his intake – among other things - lubricate at the mere sight of it. It sickened him. Why, though, when he had grown so used to it, when it had been associated with relief? And what was a little nausea now compared to unbridled bliss later? For the first time in months, he’d fought with his decision, and it caused him to panic under the pressure of right and wrong.

However, Steve did not have time for Starscream’s internal dilemma. He unrested a servo to slowly but forcefully pressed down on the back of the seeker’s helm to more quickly make his decision. Starscream had resisted, but barely, deciding at the final moment to offline his optics and follow through with his payment. “There we go,” Steve whispered.

Starscream’s whimpering went largely ignored, as it always had. His self-loathing had become the base of his entire being. But his actions were never justified. Nothing could ever make this okay, so long as he had a mate. He was only grateful that Steve never asked for his valve. He wasn’t sure he could say “no”. Maybe Steve wasn’t quite _that_ bad.

Steve was enjoying his payment as always, but this one had the added bonus of taking place at his client’s home rather than his own. He was ever so fond of Starscream and finally got to see where the seeker called home, even his most intimate of spaces. It was gratifying. “Is this where he makes love to you, Starscream?”

Not even requiring a second thought, Starscream carefully nodded his helm as he continued to work. The question was rhetorical, as was the answer. They both knew that. Steve merely wanted the gratification. The drone easily took pleasure in Starscream’s suffering, even as tears finally spilled from the seeker’s optics.

“Aw, don’t cry, babe,” Steve whispered, using a servo to wipe away the liquid from Starscream’s face. “You’re almost there.”

Starscream tried to get it over with to get Steve out and away from him faster. His intake and throat worked double-time to get the drone off. His unwanted wish finally came with Steve holding the back of his helm to his codpiece, as usual, forcing Starscream to swallow. As used to it as he was, Starscream always wanted immediately to purge. But he would wait. Though, when he tried to pull off, Steve rested a firm servo over the back of his helm to keep him still.

“Wait- Just- Just wait…” he sighed as he let the final throes of his overload recede. “Have… Have I told you how amazing y-you are, Starscream?”

Starscream nodded as best he could in his position. There was little more he loved than being praised, and he would take what he could get, even from a drone like Steve. When Steve finally removed his commanding servo, Starscream quickly pulled off and wiped his mouth. Seeing that Steve wasn’t moving quite yet, Starscream made his final act of submission and opened his mouth to show that he had swallowed.

“Good boy,” Steve said. Finally he sat up and scooted off the berth, tucking his spike away and wiping away any excess fluid. He looked at Starscream: wings downcast, a pitiful, shaky mess on his own berth, afraid to move without permission. Steve had done his job almost _too_ well. He moved in one last time to gently pet Starscream’s helm. “Tell me when you need me, okay?”

Starscream nodded again, though partially for more contact with Steve’s approving servo. It was pulled away all too quickly as Steve made to leave. The Eradicon left the pills on the nightstand before he exited through the cracked window adjacent to him and Starscream watched him, oddly pained to see him leave.

Several minutes floated by without Starscream’s notice. He only sat in place the entire time, almost unsure of what to do; the pill Steve gave him earlier gave him a temporary high, and it still buzzed through his system.

Eventually, it had begun to wane, and Starscream had regained his sense. He realized what he had done, and his illness had quickly returned. Starscream hopped off the bed – quickly grabbing and subspacing the meds - and started yanking the sheets from the mattress and hurriedly bringing them to the shower rack. He turned on the hot water, and from there, he hastily dumped liquid cleaner in it and began scrubbing furiously. The new tears that flowed from his optics were washed away without care.

But, Optimus had returned far sooner than he would have liked. Starscream heard the knock on the shower door and the calming baritone of his mate’s voice on the other side. “Starscream? Are you alright?”

“F-fine! Just a moment!” Starscream answered. The sheets still weren’t clean enough, but there wasn’t much else he could do with Optimus at the door. It was lucky that Optimus didn’t press and instead only waited for Starscream to greet him. He’d have to craft another lie. Fantastic.

Finally, Starscream opened the door to Optimus, greeting him with a warm, but sad and nervous smile.

Optimus could not help but smile back. That was, until he noticed where their bedsheets had gone. They were drenched and slung over a bar to dry. “Did something happen?”

Starscream looked back to the soaked linen, then back to Optimus. “I- I spilled my drink on it. I thought I could wash it before you returned home,” he said, only offering a lop-sided grin.

“That seems a bit excessive, love,” Optimus said. He so adored and appreciated the lengths his mate went through to make him comfortable. “We still do not have a proper dryer.”

“I know, but I just- I wanted to have them clean for you. It was an accident…” Starscream had started whimpering. It was a failure on his part to stop them.

“It is alright, Starscream,” Optimus said, pulling Starscream into a full and loving embrace. “I am not upset that it happened.”

Starscream would have felt relieved if Optimus had known what had actually gone on. It was best that he didn’t. Starscream wrapped himself around Optimus, trying to forget the events of the night before his mate had returned home. Unfortunately, it would probably be far too long before he forgot what awful things he allowed to transpire.

 

* * *

 

Steve, for whatever reason, had been mercifully scarce after the incident at Starscream’s apartment. Moreover, no one had asked about Steve’s appearance. If Starscream was extremely lucky, no one ever saw Steve at that location. Overall, it was good; then again, this was completely Starscream’s problem and every bit of fallout would come back to him. It was sure to lead to a day of grilling him for answers to which he would be unable to answer truthfully. Another day, another paranoid mess it made of him. He hadn’t even heard Optimus’ question.

“Starscream.”

“W-what?”

“I asked if you were having any trouble with the novels I’d left you,” Optimus repeated.

“Oh! Ah, no, they’re fine,” Starscream said, huddled as he was with his helm in Prime’s lap facing outward. Starscream had no idea about the novels. He hadn’t touched any of them since they were brought to him. He really was a terrible mate.

“Good. Are you enjoying them?”

“Oh, y-yes, they’re lovely.” Typically, Starscream made no optic-contact and he could practically hear Optimus’ suspicion. He managed not to tense at all while resting his helm on Optimus’ lap. But if the Prime had any concern, he didn’t ask further.

“I am glad,” Optimus sighed. He took time to enjoy the idle peace and silence with his mate whether he believed Starscream’s words or not. It almost didn’t matter, though there was always an incremental concern for his mate, as Starscream’s armor didn’t shine as it used to: it was dull, scratched, and his appearance nearly made him look a lifetime older. Optimus would have to discuss more methods of healing with him. But now, for a moment, he placed his servo over Starscream’s midsection and rubbed in small circles. There was so much Optimus wanted to say, but couldn’t. He settled on something else that had been plaguing his mind for some time. “Starscream. What will happen if your… _former_ mates return?”

This time, Starscream’s entire frame tensed. For whatever reason, he didn’t expect Optimus to bring this up. In fact, he didn’t even know himself. If he were to see his beloved Thundercracker and Skywarp return, he’d be too overcome with emotion. He just wanted to know if they were alive at this point, but he didn’t know, and it drove him crazy some days.

“I ask because… I must admit, I am unsure of how I feel about, ah, ‘sharing’ you.” Optimus had said it with great hesitation, and Starscream’s only response was to curl in on himself. “I am not sure if you know, Starscream, but you have been my only relationship after becoming Prime. I am not ignorant to how a healthy relationship should ideally function, but you should know that entering into a larger relationship than what you and I share would… discomfort me greatly.”

Basically, Starscream wouldn’t be able to have his old trine back as he wished, because of Optimus. But having multiple mates was a wonderful and comforting thing! He couldn’t expect grounders to understand, Prime or not. Still, Optimus had made it clear he was closed off to the idea, and that was that. Starscream shouldn’t bother fighting it; there was just no point. He wouldn’t get a say in the matter.

“Starscream, _please_ tell me how you feel. You have been so quiet lately that I have to question if you are even listening to begin with.”

And there was the guilt-trip Starscream expected. He supposed he should give some sort of answer anyway, even if he didn’t have a clue of his own. “Well, I suppose I’ll just have to tell them we can’t be together anymore. I found a new mate and a place to call home. They’ll just have to find some other seeker to complete their trine, won’t they? Is that better?” he sneered, turning his helm just enough to glare at Optimus bitterly.

“I… suppose it is.” Optimus had gotten his answer, but he wasn’t expecting the venom that came with it. He was willing to have an open and honest discussion about the whole thing, but Starscream was, for whatever reason, agitated at the question. Perhaps deep down, he didn’t want to give up his current or former mates, and his answer only served to try to make Optimus happy. Maybe Starscream would rather be with his trine. Right now, there was no way to tell, and like many of his mate’s angry responses before it, it pained his spark that he didn’t get a guaranteed answer. He would never grow used to it. “Apologies.”

Again, the two sat in silence. A tense, incomplete silence. Optimus pulled his servo back from Starscream’s midsection, resting it higher instead. Starscream quietly fumed; anger and mockery paraded through his processors over the question. The clear discomfort drew a wedge between them and neither one’s pride would allow them to talk it through.

 

* * *

 

Steve had been inwardly begging for Starscream to run out of meds again. He was eager to get his spike wet again, but more importantly, he felt the need to teach the seeker a lesson. The datapad he’d swiped from his client’s home barely functioned as he switched it on, adding to his general dissatisfaction.

“You still telling him you got a limited supply?” Billi asked Steve. Max and Twitch paid no mind as they continued their card game at the table across from them. The occasional curse in varying volumes could be heard from Twitch.

“Which one?” Steve asked.

“Starscream. He’s the one downing them like candy.”

“Oh. Yeah, he sure is,” Steve snickered.

“Figures he’s got an addictive personality.”

“Yup.”

“So… That don’t bother you at all?”

“What?”

“Mech’s clearly in pain, and you got him wrapped around your finger with those pills.”

Steve stopped counting his credits long enough to better acknowledge his roommate. “And? It ain’t exactly my fault he can’t follow orders. I told him from the beginning: ‘Once a day’. And what does he do? Takes way more! He’s dwindling my supply, so I need a little more from him.”

“All he’s doin’ is sucking your spike, though. That don’t exactly replenish your stock.”

“And?”

“And you couldn’t tell him to pay you actual money?”

“No. It ain’t about me; it’s about him learning his place.”

Billi clicked his vocalizer. Steve was clearly in a bubble of his own. “He’s bonded to the Prime. Technically he still has a spot over us.”

“You know he only bonded with the Prime for power, right?” Steve asked. “Besides, he ain’t got a spot over me. He needs me.”

“He needs the _pills_.”

“Not just that. You shoulda heard the message he left me one night,” Steve mentioned, going on to imitate Starscream. “ _’Please help me, Steve. I need it’_. Primus, do you know how hot that was? He was so desperate!”

“You mentioned it a hundred times, Steve,” Max said from the little table in the middle of the room. He dropped another card on it, making Twitch let out his eighth frustrated curse of the night.

“What’s wrong, Twitch? Haven’t you taken your pills today?” Steve said teasingly, though slightly irritated his fantasy was interrupted.

“F-f-f-frag off, S-Steve!” Twitch snapped.

“You f-f-f-first, Twitchy!” Steve mocked.

Twitch then stood abruptly from the table, knocking a few cards from his and Max’s game to actually retrieve his medication from the bedroom, drink in-hand.

“You’re such an aft, Steve,” Billi accused.

“Meh, you guys love me.”

“Whatever you want,” Billi sighed. “Anyway. You been giving all your pills to ‘Scream?”

“Nah, some go to Transfuzor too. I don’t get enough to expand further.”

“So you’re not taking any?”

“Nope. Well, just one from every new bottle. Was hopin’ the tolerance would go away, but it hasn’t.”

“Why not just take the pills yourself then, since you still need ‘em?”

“Heh. Who needs pills when I have Starscream?”

Billi looked to Steve in grave importance. “You’re playin’ a dangerous game, here. What if Prime finds out you’re rapin’ his mate?”

“I’m NOT raping him! He made his choice, I don’t force him to do a slaggin’ thing!”

“Yeah, okay, but still. What if Prime finds out? He’ll kill you. You know he will.”

“Prime ain’t got the spark for it. He’s way too soft. He’s no Megatron; he’ll just lock me up and try to talk me out of my ‘evil ways’. I’ll get a slap on the wrist at best!”

Steve and Billi only stared at each other a moment: one was playful and devious, the other questioning and unsure. Steve had clearly grown unstable and likely unwilling to change his newfound habits anytime soon. At least if it all came crashing down, it would all be on Steve and not those around him, he thought. Billi offered no response and returned to reclining next to him.

Steve had turned back to counting his credits when he received a ping on his comm. He was instantly excited when he saw the frequency it was attached to. It seemed the seeker was still too afraid to make full contact on the first call. “Yes?”

/I’m out again./

“Already? Naughty boy,” Steve teased.

/Where are we meeting?/ Starscream asked, wanting to get straight to the point.

“You can meet me at my place. And yeah, roomies are here.”

/Right now?/

“Yep! See ya then.” Steve disconnected his comm and let out a giddy noise. He could already feel his spike pressurizing.

Moments later, Twitch finally returned from the berthroom. “Quit hidin’ my pills, Steve!”

“Aw, I was only messin’ around!” he defended. Billi shook his helm.

“It ain’t f-funny! I need those, yeh aft-head!” Twitch growled.

“Cool it, Twitch. You still got ‘em,” Max said, attempting to calm his friend.

Twitch muttered something incomprehensible under his vents but dropped the subject regardless. The two started a new card game, ignoring any further input or comment from Steve.

There was a blessed silence across the room, save for a few clacks of cards being placed on the table. Then there was a knock at the door.

“Finally!” Steve exclaimed, hopping up from the couch. Before he reached the door, he turned to his roommates. “Look, sorry I was a jerk, but I got something special lined up for you guys.”

“We already knew ‘Scream was coming over,” Billi said, utterly monotone.

“Mech, you’re no fun.” Steve was about to continue before another knock sounded, so he finally decided to answer. As expected, there was Starscream just behind the door, looking as sullen as always. “Starscream! Glad to see ya. Come in, babe.”

Starscream followed the order, making his way to the middle of the room, adjacent to Max and Twitch, making optic-contact with absolutely no one. “Where do you need me?”

“Actually, we need to talk,” Steve said darkly, closing and locking the door.

“W-what about?”

“Well, you know I’ve been nothing but nice to you since we started this whole arrangement. Firm, but fair,” he started, slowly pacing a slow line, back and forth. The other drones mostly ignored him. They usually let things play out until the “good parts” happened. “And you finally caught on and started listening to me. You understand the position you’re in: you need me, and you need to heed me.

“Last time we talked, you were being very disagreeable. I had to convince you to pay for the first time in a long time, see? I think you need to be reminded what’s at stake.”

“B-but you were asking me to pay you in my berth! The one I share with my mate!” Starscream reasoned.

Suddenly, Billi looked at Steve when Starscream said that. What twisted things had the Eradicon talked Starscream in to?

“And?”

“And that was deeply personal! Was it not enough that you broke into my apartment to extort me?!”

Steve stepped up to Starscream with aggressive intent, proceeding to grab the thin, red crest on the seeker’s helm as well as his codpiece to hold him in place. Starscream nearly opened his panel in reflex; instead he tried pulling away, but he was held fast and didn’t want to anger Steve further. “ _You_ asked for this, remember? You _need_ this,” he said into Starscream’s audial. “It’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Starscream quickly agreed, though he trembled in Steve’s grip. Was it really what he wanted? He rarely put up an effort to fight it, so it must have been.

“Of course it is. Now, I’m gonna need you to give a little extra since you were so resistant to me last time,” Steve said, pushing Starscream from him.

“E-extra?” Starscream stuttered, trying to correct his movement. He remained standing, but hunched slightly to appear smaller.

Steve turned to his roommates. “Any of you feel like gettin’ your spikes wet?”

The three looked surprised, and for Max, excited. “Frag yeah I do,” he said, standing. Twitch looked between the horrified seeker and Steve, only glancing at Max. “C’mon, Twitch. I’m sick of just watching. Aren’t you?”

Twitch only needed the verbal encouragement, finally joining Steve and Max in standing. Finally having taken his meds, there was peace about him. “Yeah. Let’s do this.”

Steve was ecstatic his friends wanted to be in on the fun, and even more so by the sight of Starscream’s panicked state. Then he turned to Billi. “You wanna go?”

“Nah. Think I’m gonna turn in for the night,” he replied, getting up and going to bed, shutting the door behind him.

Steve shrugged but let Billi slip out of sight and out of mind, instead focusing on the treat before him. “You ready, Star?”

“No. No, please…” Starscream whimpered, shaking his head and backing away just slightly.

“How about a drink first? Twitch, go get him one,” Steve ordered.

Twitch wanted to fight again, but he wanted his spike sucked more, so he left it and obeyed the command.

“Why are you doing this?” Starscream asked.

“I told you, babe. You gotta learn your place.”

Twitch quickly returned with a bottle of low-end high-grade, thrusting it into Starscream’s servos and retaking his place between Max and Steve as if waiting for a show to start.

Starscream glanced curiously between the drink and the drones. “I… I don’t want this.”

“Are you gonna pay without then or not at all? Cuz if you don’t need the pills, that’s fine, just don’t waste our time.”

This time it was Max who glanced around, never having witnessed the more in-depth processes of these payments before. Steve was quite the manipulator.

Starscream looked as if he’d all but given up as he got to his knees, still giving Steve pleading looks. It was pointless, but it never stopped him from trying. Instead, he pried open the bottle cap and downed the poor-quality booze as quickly as he could. Every bit swallowed made him feel more and more delirious and sent his helm reeling. It was odd that it was so potent. All that mattered was that it put Starscream farther from his consciousness and his actions.

“You good now?” Steve asked.

The fallen air commander hung his helm and nodded. As he did, the predatory mechs surrounded him and their panels clicked open. Starscream hadn’t looked up, but his entire frame shuddered in response to the sound. The high-grade was making him physically and mentally numb, but he couldn’t help but think that he wouldn’t have to be in this situation right now if only he hadn’t resisted.

. . .

Starscream wasted no time flying home as soon as the pills were placed in his hands. He desperately needed to purge, but he would not humiliate himself further in front of those wretched drones. His intoxication wavered, but at least he was able to fly remotely straight.

He knew Optimus had another late night, so Starscream could take all the time he needed. When the complex was finally in sight, he felt his tank give a heavy churn in anticipation. Then he noticed an extra detail: a small, blue two-wheeler out front.

Why? WHY did she have to be there tonight of all nights? _Why_ was she there? What could she possibly want?

As if he didn’t feel sick enough.

Starscream transformed and landed in front of the door, attempting to ignore Arcee’s presence altogether.

“Starscream,” Arcee called, transforming herself and striding toward him.

He made sure to make his irritated sigh as audible as possible before turning to face her. “Can I help you?”

“Maybe. Mind if I come in?”

“You may not. What do you want?”

Arcee huffed, but she was undeterred. “Where have you been?”

“What business is it of yours?”

“Just wanted to talk.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Starscream said, folding his arms over his chest.

“And you didn’t answer mine,” Arcee retorted, doing the same.

Starscream would have growled if his tank wasn’t still trying to cleanse itself. “I was out with some friends. Happy?”

Arcee cocked her helm curiously. “That’s funny. _Optimus_ said you’d be home all night.”

Starscream’s optics widened and his wings fell. He was far too ill to hide his natural reactions, and felt more than tempted to swipe his claws at her when she smirked. “Am I not allowed to come and go as I please anymore?”

“I’d just hate to think you’re hiding something from Optimus, is all.”

“Yes, I’m so sure that’s your main concern.”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Arcee shrugged. “I care about Optimus and you haven’t always proven yourself trustworthy.”

“Are you ever going to let it go, Arcee?”

“Let what go? Cliff? Yeah, I came to terms with that a while ago. That doesn’t change things, though,” she said, bound and determined to keep them on track. “We’ve given you chances before, and you stabbed us in the back every time. Just like with Megatron. You’re only looking out for yourself.”

An uncomfortable chill ran down Starscream’s spinal strut when that accursed name was uttered. “Would you care to prove that?”

“Your past actions are proof enough.”

“In other words, ‘no’.”

“I know you’re up to something, even if it isn’t world domination.”

“Do you honestly have nothing good going on in your life that you feel the need to check on me? What would Optimus think, if he doesn’t know already? I’m sure he’d be quite disappointed in you, don’t you think?”

“He already knows I don’t trust you. I told him before I left that I only wanted to talk.”

“And by ‘talk’, you mean ‘harass’.”

“I told him I’d be civil, and I have been.”

Starscream drug his servo over his face in annoyance. The alcohol was still swimming through his system and his need to cleanse himself had yet to go away as well, though it had lessened slightly. The several loads of transfluid he’d been made to swallow didn’t exactly settle very well in his tank, but that was a slightly different story. He tried to get to the point so this meaningless conversation could end. “What do you want from me?”

“I want to know if you’re cheating on Optimus,” Arcee said flatly.

This time, Starscream’s wings rose and twitched, his armor flared, and he shot the vile femme a death-glare. “How _dare_ you! How DARE you accuse me of such a disgusting thing!” he growled, moving in on Arcee. She assumed a fighting stance, but held her ground. “You think I’m not faithful to my own bond-mate?!”

“I see you spending a lot of time with those drones, Starscream. I think they’re a little more than just ‘friends’ with you.”

“Then you have been lying to Optimus about not watching me!”

“That’ll make two of us lying to him.”

“Frag you! I don’t have to answer to you, or any of you wretched Autobots! Just leave me alone and let me live my life!”

“Not when you still need to be tracked! Even Optimus can’t fully trust you!”

“That’s a lie!” It was, wasn’t it? Optimus didn’t remove Starscream’s tracker after bonding because he didn’t trust him, did he? Arcee was only trying to goad him into falsehoods. “He only left it for your sake!”

“Is that what he told you?”

“It is! None of _you_ trust me! You all hate me! You can’t stand that I’ve bonded with your Prime and you want to do everything in your power to sabotage it!”

“Believe what you want, Starscream. Every one of us knows you can’t be trusted on any level.”

“You’ve barely given me the chance! You say you care about Optimus, but none of you care about _me_! _You_ especially keep trying desperately to catch me doing something wrong! You don’t care that I’m trying to better myself, you don’t care that I’m fragging medicated all the time, you don’t care that I’m being raped for it-“ Starscream quickly stopped his rant, clasping a servo over his mouth and backing himself against the door.

Arcee instantly softened her stance and expression. _‘What did he just say??_ ’ She couldn’t even properly form the words to ask. “You’re- no, what?”

Starscream mentally berated himself for blabbing what was likely his biggest secret. Why did he say that?! “Nothing! I- I have to go!” The door opened and closed behind Starscream in a matter of seconds. The seeker’s chest heaved and his spark pulsed rapidly. _Why_ did he say that?!

Arcee was not willing to leave it at that, it seemed. She laid her fist on the door repeatedly to make Starscream open it. “Who’s doing that to you, Starscream?!”

“Go away! It’s none of your concern!” he shouted.

“Starscream… Who assaulted you?”

Starscream sat at the door in another haze, trying to let what remained of the high-grade fog him. The question in his mind circled over and over again: _‘Why did I say that?’_ “Megatron. It was always Megatron.”

“Megatron is gone, Starscream. I know you meant someone recently,” Arcee reasoned. "Please, even if you don’t tell me, you need to tell Optimus!”

“Don’t pretend you care, Arcee. You never cared. None of you did.”

The pounding and questions stopped. Perhaps she had given up? Starscream didn’t care either way. He hated Arcee. He hated Steve, and all his stupid roommates. On his absolute worst days, he hated Optimus, too. Starscream got back to his heels and trudged toward his room.

He sat on the berth and allowed many things to float through his processors. No one on this planet really cared for him. His trinemates were gone, he was sure. No psychiatrist wanted to help him. None of the Autobots had any interest in helping him, the hypocrites. Optimus couldn’t even help him if he wanted to. Why was he even here to begin with, when he was totally alone?

For the first time in many decades, Starscream considered if the struggle was worth it. He had plenty of pills that were strong enough to make him black out, possibly more. Maybe his misery could all be ended in the evening. He pulled the half-empty bottle from his subspace and observed it quietly. Why continue on when death was so much simpler, quieter?

Starscream mulled over the idea: Take the entire bottle and be done with it. But that was a “maybe” at best. What if the pills didn’t end him? What if Optimus came home to him and he was unconscious? He’d have to explain everything when he woke up, and Optimus himself was sure to leave or offline him, depending on how he felt. It was a lot to risk.

Instead, Starscream took two of the pills and downed them dry. He’d take the coward’s route as he always did, and only took enough to knock him unconscious. He subbed the rest and curled in on himself on the berth. He could just let the marriage of meds and anxiety take over and spiral him into a blind panic, and eventually, to the comforting but brief escape of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was another hard one to write. I hope it hit all the right emotional chords for you.
> 
> Comments and crits welcomed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long delay. The next chapter will be out much sooner, since I ended up cutting this one down.
> 
> I also apologize for my late responses on some of your comments. Life tends to happen in ways I hate. But I'm glad you're all here.

 Starscream should have known this day would come, but he could never prepare himself for it.

Optimus had finally asserted his full dominance and pinned his mate to the berth by his neck one night, taking him from behind. Starscream had tried hard to mentally allow it; his physical self, however, had no choice.

“Never disobey me, Starscream. Never defy me,” Optimus had said steadily, even as he roughly pressed himself into his mate. “Lest this shall be your punishment.”

Starscream nodded, holding back every possible whimper or protest he even dared think about. Surely, this was all he was good for, and should expect no more or less. He was bonded to Optimus, and Optimus was able to take whatever he wanted from the lithe seeker, as he was the dominant mate. Though still, part of him wanted to protest. “Please, stop,” he whimpered.

“No. You are _mine_ , Starscream. You will always be mine.”

“Please stop… stop, stop, stop…!” Starscream felt himself thrashing the more and more he said it, and still Optimus had tried to silence him.

“Starscream!”

But Starscream couldn’t stop. There was still so much fight in him that could not be quashed, and so he fought on, willing the one on top of him to go away. “Leave me alone!”

Optimus tried again and again to wake his mate, but Starscream continued flailing about, crying out, and slicing backward with his claws blindly in the dark. Optimus swiftly pulled out of his mate and only hoped at the back of his mind that it didn’t hurt him. “Starscream!”

The seeker finally woke from his nightmare-fueled slumber and continued his fight. “No! No!”

“Starscream, you are home! Please wake up!” Optimus cried. He kept Starscream pinned in an effort to keep the seeker from hurting either of them.

Starscream had finally stilled, but continued hyperventilating. His optics darted about the room, questioning every strategy and possibility of exit even while being roughly handled. Slowly, he realized where he was, but he could not will his spark to slow its frantic pulsing. The stress it caused went to his tanks, and they felt as if they were rusting over. “Let go, let go!”

Optimus pulled back and away from Starscream to allow him room. He watched as Starscream weakly hobbled off the berth and hurriedly limped into the wash-room. Sounds of something hitting the floor as well as wretching echoed into the bedroom. Optimus made sure his equipment was properly tucked away before he approached Starscream again.

The Prime did his best to comfort Starscream, as he always did on these nights. He had hoped that Starscream was long past this, but it was not to be. Perhaps this was all just the occasional side-effect of a nightmare. He hoped to Primus this was not because of the medication. The question of how Starscream had passed out during interfacing had long left his mind.

. . .

Starscream had purged far longer than usual. The pill he took before bed could have exacerbated the problem, but he never had such a horrific dream of his mate. He even felt uncomfortable with Optimus in the room, but he ignored it as he emptied the remaining contents of his tank. He felt dizzy as he tried to stand.

“Careful-“

“I got it!” Starscream snapped, effectively pushing Optimus back. He didn’t mean to, it just happened that way. The entire scenario felt familiar each and every time. Starscream let out a heavy vent and rested his helm against the wall briefly. He was sure to be punished for all of this, he just knew it. “I’m sorry…”

“It is alright, love. Let us get you back to bed. Can you walk?” Optimus asked, drawing closer to the shaky seeker.

“Yes…” Starscream took Optimus’ offered hand anyway and slowly exited the wash-room, leaving the mess behind for now.

As soon as they were back in the bedroom, Starscream walked ahead of Optimus, crawling back on the berth and resuming his position on his hands and knees, panel aside and valve still dripping lubricant. “I’m sorry for interrupting you.”

“Starscream…?”

“Please, just, finish.” Starscream arched his back more, using a servo to spread his valve to attempt to seduce his mate. “I won’t fight this time. I promise.”

“Stop it.”

“Hm?”

“Starscream, what is the matter with you?” Optimus questioned, carefully stepping up to his mate.

“Nothing. Just take what you want.”

“Enough!”

Starscream winced at the command. “W-what’s wrong?”

Optimus sat on the berth next to Starscream where he could clearly be seen, so that he may look his mate in the optics. There was a long-brewing problem that he knew needed to be resolved. “Stop treating me as if I am Megatron. I do not know what has gotten into you lately, but it must stop. Starscream,” Optimus said, sounding completely exasperated. “I am tired of this.”

Starscream stopped assuming submission and sat up properly, but he stared at the wall ahead of him rather than at Optimus. The Prime had grown agitated at him. What could he do if Optimus didn’t even want his valve? What good was he then? “I don’t understand…”

Optimus sighed. “Neither do I. It is why I want to get to the bottom of this issue, Starscream. I understand that you are often visited by nightmares and they can sabotage your logical thought, but there are times even during the day that you will pull away from me as if you are afraid I will attack you.” Optimus took pause as he remembered a night where he almost _did_ hurt Starscream. “Please tell me: am I doing something wrong?”

“N-no, never!” The seeker shook his helm but otherwise didn’t move. He just wanted to listen, to be obedient. It was what he was good at.

“Then why are you acting so subservient? What is more, you rarely even have debates with me anymore, whether serious or hypothetical. You just… agree. Please tell me why, Starscream. What has changed? Why will you not challenge me in any matter?” Optimus pleaded, a mixture of sadness, confusion, and frustration all blended into his voice and his expression.

Starscream couldn’t bear to look him in the optics. He didn’t want to answer; there was no focus on the question. He just wanted Optimus to just use him and be done with it. But Optimus didn’t want his valve. Was he repulsed by it? Was it because it had been thoroughly used by so many mechs before him? Why? “Do you not want me?”

“Starscream, that is not what I asked.”

“I- I just-“ Starscream’s pulse began picking up and he was beginning to lose all reasoning. Why did he put himself in this kind of situation again?

Optimus’ thumb gently stroked away tears that Starscream did not even realize had fallen. His mate loved him. Deep down, he knew this, but so rarely did it remain at the forefront of his mind anymore. The constant anxiety and visits to Steve ensured that it barely meant a thing.

“Why are you crying?” Optimus asked.

“I don’t want you to leave me!” Starscream shouted, making Optimus let go and flinch in surprise.

“Why would you think I would want to leave you?”

“I-if I don’t submit!”

“What?”

“That’s all anyone wants me for! Even you! I know you’ll discard me when I stop becoming useful!” This time, tears flowed more freely from Starscream’s optics as his frame shuddered the more he broke down. “T-that’s why I’m trying- I want to be good for you! I’m… I’m just trying to be a good mate.”

“Starscream, look at me,” Optimus ordered. Starscream hesitantly obeyed, looking up with listless and saturated optics. “I did not choose to bond with you due to convenience or ‘usefulness’, and especially not because of interfacing. I grew to know you, to invest in you. I grew to love you, Starscream. You are the world to me and I cannot begin to express the pain I feel when you see me as nothing more than a past abuser.

“I know well that your nightmares have worn you ragged and thin, but – just once – I wish you would open up to me and discuss it. You have been cutting me off so frequently that at those times, I wish to give you space as you need. Even during the day, it seems any minor issue will set you off and you will not even allow me to help. You will just lock yourself in the berthroom or leave the house entirely. It has become worrisome. More and more you have shut me out, and only to avoid upsetting you further, I submit to it.

“But it has done neither of us any good. I feel as if you are regressing further with each nightmare you have, and that is the last thing I wish to happen. I want to help you, Starscream. Discuss it with me; get as angry or upset as you need to. I just want you to be able to heal.”

Starscream tried his best to absorb every word that was said to him. It conflicted with many things he’d been thinking lately, mostly that Megatron had set the standard to how Starscream should be in any relationship: submissive. It seemed to wipe away every happy memory he had with his trinemates prior to the war. There was still the buzz of the medication that reverberated throughout his frame and kept him docile, but his mate’s speech was still more impactful. He felt his chest heave and there was a quiet voice in him that said that he mattered. Starscream was loved, and he was wanted.

And that knowledge tore him apart.

Starscream doubled over on the berth quietly sobbing as his mate watched, likely in pity, he thought. But no: Optimus placed gentle hands on him, guiding the broken seeker into his lap and cradled him against his larger frame. “It is alright, Starscream. I am here for you.” Optimus didn’t even wince as he felt Starscream’s sharp digits dig into his seams to keep him close. If it was what Starscream wanted, then the Prime was fully willing to grant it tonight.

“I-I’m sorry… Optimus, I’m s-sorry…” Starscream whimpered.

“It is alright, Starscream.” Optimus continued to whisper encouragement, comfort, and love to his mate the entire night. He would not get the sleep he needed to deal with the Autobots and changes on Cybertron, but they mattered far less when his mate was in need. He would not push for more discussion for the night, as Starscream had reached his mental limit. “I am here,” he repeated. “And I love you.”

 

* * *

 

Starscream was all too aware of how many pills he had left. It played on his anxiety as he tried desperately to get through one of his newer novels. He needed to draw it out. The most recently-taken pill would have to last him as long as possible. His twitching and occasional scratching were sights the Prime was used to, even if they didn’t make him worry any less.

As he read (or tried to), he realized that it had been a few days since the incident with Arcee. Starscream fully expected her to go straight to Optimus after he’d spilled one detail too many. But if Optimus’ silence on the matter was any indication, she had stayed quiet, and any reason why she would only made Starscream worry all the more. The more he pondered it, the deeper the scratches on his thighs became.

“Starscream, I have important news for you,” Optimus said while entering the room, and sounding oddly upbeat.

Starscream would have thrown the datapad across the room in glee at the chance of a better distraction. Instead, he merely set the fragile thing down next to him gently. “Yes?”

“The Autobots and I have decided to begin reconstruction on a new city.”

“Oh? Iacon, I assume?”

“No, not yet.” Optimus paused for dramatic effect. “We will be rebuilding Vos.”

“W-what…?” Starscream sputtered, completely incredulous at first. Now, he was in disbelief. None of the immediate Autobots were Vosian. Why were they continuing there and not just gradually outward from here?

“It took long hours of convincing and compromise, but yes, reconstruction on Vos will begin tomorrow.” As if Optimus could not contain his joy, he smiled. The very same that could melt sparks and end wars, and it was directed at Starscream once again.

“And… No. You’re serious??”

“More than I have ever been, love.”

Starscream had no words. He was shocked, awed, and – for the first time in ages - immensely happy. So often, he didn’t know how to process so much positive emotion at once, so he rose from his seat and clung to his mate with no intent to let him go. “Optimus…”

The Prime held his mate, stroking light digits against Starscream’s back. “Does this mean you would like to join me there?”

“Yes! Yes I will! Th-thank you!” Starscream whimpered, not having the strength to raise his voice. But his point and gratitude were easily made through his body language and actions. There was no greater feeling than knowing the Prime himself was moving mountains for his mate.

Wave after wave of emotion washed over Starscream as he held tightly to Optimus, so much that tears easily ran down his face. At the crest, there was happiness and joy, but quickly did the sadness follow. Broken sobs had formed and Starscream had nearly forgotten why he’d started crying in the first place. Optimus had assumed the poor mech was overwhelmed by the news and succumbed to his emotions, and so he let it be, only holding the quivering seeker against him.

. . .

Gradually after Starscream’s unbridled emotion had finally drawn to a close did the realization that he would need to see Steve tonight ease itself in. He had allowed himself to be coddled by Optimus once again, like a scared sparkling. It was beginning to get embarrassing, yet the better part of Starscream didn’t really care. Lately, it had been much more difficult to hold back his excess of unnecessary emotion.

Optimus had eventually left for another meeting to discuss their new building plan.

Once again, Starscream was alone, and frustrated sadness creeped in to take Optimus’ place. In need of some fresh air, he walked outside, away from the house, and removed his last pill from the bottle in his subspace, glaring at it begrudgingly. It was that time again, and he hated every last bit of it. With a defeated sigh, Starscream swallowed his final bit of medication and quickly dialed up Steve’s frequency soon after.

/Yeah?/

“I’m out again. Where are we meeting?”

/Eh, my place, I guess./

Starscream was barely put off by Steve’s indifferent tone. He just needed his coordinates. “I’ll be there soon.”

The seeker exited the house and toward the drone complex. It seemed as if Optimus had been gone more often than not, and only at very particular times did Starscream take issue with it. He liked having his mate close by, but a few of Optimus’ jobs of oversight had taken place far enough away that a ground-bridge was required. It was good they were extending their reach, but Starscream always wished that Optimus was within _arm’s_ reach. Tonight was not so, and even if it was, it would not be Optimus who inevitably helped him. Starscream needed to be medicated, and there was only one mech he could seek out for that.

Starscream knocked on the door in front of him, not caring who answered. He kept his mind focused that he would get what he wanted in the end. He was quickly let in by the drone most enthused to see him. He always assumed it was Steve since the lot of them was identical – until they spoke.

“Hey, ‘Scream,” Max said lowly. “How you been?” Before Starscream could answer, Max quickly dragged him inside and holding him close; idle claws danced along his frame. “Ain’t seen you in a while… Haven’t needed your fix? We sure do miss you ‘round here.”

Starscream said nothing and didn’t even make a sound as his plating and seams were explored; he just waited for his orders. He was even indifferent to Steve clearing his throat from the couch.

“You about done there, Max?” Steve asked, only glancing up from whatever it was he was reading.

Max shot Steve a look over Starscream’s shoulder, holding the seeker’s slender thigh over his hip. “No. But I guess he came for you, didn’t, he?” The drone let go of Starscream, turning him around and pushing him toward Steve. Max opted to go to the kitchen instead, likely for a strong drink or two.

Starscream ignored the put-off drone in favor of the other, seating himself on the floor at Steve’s pedes, optics trained on the floor. “Can we start now?”

Steve looked down from his datapad at the lovely seeker before him. “Well babe, gotta tell ya, I’m not really in the mood right now.”

Starscream sat up more. His spark was pounding. “S-so? I can still get my meds, right?”

“Well, let me explain,” Steve started, setting aside his reading for a moment. “If you can’t get me off, you ain’t getting these pills.” He observed the worried state on Starscream’s face, and offered some sort of reassurance. “You can still try, if you want.”

With that, he opened his panel, letting his flaccid spike flop out on his codpiece. Starscream wasted no time at all latching his lips on it and sucking with utmost effort. It was pleasant to be sure, but Steve didn’t allow himself to get into it. Surely, Starscream was good at what he did, there could be no denial. But Steve staved off his arousal, exchanging it instead for a petty sort of glee of watching a drug-addicted seeker desperately attempt to pay top credit for his medication.

Several minutes went by and Steve could only manage half-mast. He’d gotten bored enough to go back to his reading. He didn’t care much, but Starscream whimpered his frustration. Why wasn’t this working?!

Max had been watching most of it, fervently stroking his own spike as he finished off his drink. Starscream didn’t notice, and likely wouldn’t care even if he did. After all, he was used to an audience by now. Seeing Steve take up his reading again rather than enjoy his current treatment, Max chose to speak up. “Steve, if he ain’t doin’ it for you, I’ll take it instead.”

At that moment, Starscream had pulled off the less-excited spike and looked back at the other drone with renewed hope, then back at Steve. He just wanted his Primus-forsaken pills so he could be out of there! He didn’t exactly care who he had to pleasure to get to that point.

Steve had glared at Max from across the room, then down at the pitiful seeker before him. He knew how he wanted this evening to end, and he wasn’t about to let his meddling roommate interfere. Steve decided to “compromise”. “Sure, by all means, Star. Go suck off Max all night if you want. I’ll tell you one thing though: you won’t be gettin’ these pills if I’m not the one gettin’ off.”

“Oh come on, Steve. You coulda told him that after he gave me an overload or two,” Max complained.

“Yeah, well, he’s got a mate to get back to eventually. Don’t you?” Steve asked Starscream.

Starscream no longer debated his choice. It was Steve or no one. He nodded, suddenly eager to get back to sucking Steve’s spike. He had to keep trying.

Still another fistful of minutes passed, and still Steve could not “will” himself into arousal. “Look, I’m sorry babe. It just ain’t doin’ it for me. Some other time, yeah?” he suggested, gently pushing Starscream away from his codpiece. The seeker went somewhat willingly.

Starscream could have started crying. He didn’t have any more time! “B-but I’m out of meds! Can’t you give me a few, just for now??” he pleaded.

“You didn’t fully pay me, so… No.”

At that outright rejection, panic hit Starscream like a ton of mortar. “Please! I can’t live without them! Just give me one? One to tide me over until tomorrow? I swear I’ll make it worth your while!”

Steve saw the blatant desperation in Starscream’s bright, red optics. It was such a beautiful sight, but still, he chose to deny him. “No.”

“Please-“

“I SAID NO!” Steve yelled, standing from his seat, making even Max flinch in his. He stared down at the trembling seeker before him, managing to take a grain of pity. Steve willed himself to calm down before slowly sitting back down and addressing Starscream. “Look, it’s just not gonna happen.”

“B-but I need them! Op- _He_ needs me to go to Vos with him tomorrow! I have to go! I _have_ to!” Starscream cried, keeping his wings low and his helm even lower. “I can’t withdraw; not now. I have to see my home again. Have mercy…” Starscream continued to beg even though he had been shut down. He just did not learn.

Steve bent over and grabbed him by the chin, forcing him to look up at him. “That ain’t my problem. You didn’t give me the full payment. Therefore, you don’t get your supply. Understand, you filthy slut?” He allowed the harsh words to sink in before he pushed Starscream back. “Now get out. I’m sick of looking at you.”

“Steve-“

“Go!”

Starscream flinched at the order. He didn’t want to go. He needed to fulfil his duty and receive his reward! But Steve was having none of it. He didn’t want him. Starscream suddenly felt disgusted with himself. He finally got to his shaky pedes and made his way through the door and back home.

What was he supposed to do now?? He was supposed to leave with Optimus in the morning to go to Vos, his beloved home! Without his medication… He would withdraw, he knew he would. There was no way he could make the travel and extended stay without them. It just couldn’t be done.

Optimus had already arrived home when Starscream landed. He gave Optimus nothing more than a greeting before retreating to the shower for an extended time to think. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Optimus he couldn’t go. The warm rivulets of water reached every crevice of his armor and dripped to the floor, where it drained. He had no intention of actually cleansing himself for once; there was only the desire to get away and think. Starscream’s mind worked overtime in preparation for the next day.

What if he went anyway? What if the excitement and the nostalgia of everything put him at ease and did away with Starscream’s need?

But what if it didn’t?

The city was in shambles, brought down by Autobots many eons ago. What if that alone caused Starscream to break down in a blind panic without his pills there to ease his tension? There was nothing that would be able to calm him if that happened, not even Optimus himself. The Autobots would see him as weak, as someone who constantly needed coddling and comforted. He couldn’t allow that to happen; he would have to stay strong and allow no emotional barriers to be breached.

If he even went.

It wasn’t long before Optimus had knocked on the door to check on him. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Fi- I mean- No! I don’t feel well,” Starscream said from the other side of the door. Through the white noise of the shower running and the barrier drowning out more sound, Starscream had just managed to raise his voice above both, which felt harder than it needed to be. “J-just give me a few minutes. Please.”

“Very well. Please comm me if you need any help.”

Starscream waited until the heavy sounds of Optimus’ pedes faded away into the distance before he concentrated on his plans again.

If Starscream was not there for the reconstruction of Vos, why were they even there to begin with? Optimus had urged them and they had eventually bent, and now, their main reason for being there didn’t even care?

Starscream knocked his helm against the tiled wall in attempt to figure everything out. Despite his lack of medication, he felt wired and ready to apply logic to every little thing that occurred throughout the universe. Though, he only worried about his own. It was a troubled mess, and he fought desperately to decide what his next several moves would be now that he was put on a very narrow ledge.

It was all he could do to take the edge off for the moment.

 

* * *

 

Optimus had awoken early the next morning. The sun was not even out, so it was far sooner than even Starscream would have liked. The Prime smiled to himself at the irony, since Starscream knew they had an early departure time. But as Optimus had reached beside him to wake his mate, he found the space to be empty. He onlined his optics completely and he was given the same story. “Starscream?” he called.

No answer. Starscream didn’t seem to be in the room or washroom next to it.

Optimus made his way out of the berth and out of the room, proceeding down the hallway, as he finally saw the shadow of a pacing Starscream in the living room. “Love?”

Starscream acknowledged the call in a flinch, but continued to pace anyway. His nerves were in command tonight, and demanded he continue to think about his actions.

“Starscream, are you alright?” Optimus asked.

The seeker didn’t answer, but as he made his way back around – this time to face Optimus – he stopped and stared for a moment before curling in on himself defensively. “F-fine.”

“You are clearly not. Have you been up all night?” Optimus slowly made his way toward Starscream, holding out a hand in invitation and aid.

Starscream looked at the offered servo, then up at Optimus as if in question before taking it. He allowed himself to be pulled in close, though his wings remained downcast and his processors still ran rampant. “I can’t go.”

Optimus pulled Starscream away from him in the moment to process what he just heard. “I’m sorry?”

Starscream easily saw the disbelief in Optimus’ features as he looked into them. Suddenly, he found it far more difficult to form the words he needed to explain.

“Why can you not go? It was your home. For what reason do you not wish to see it again?”

Doubt and blame quickly wormed their way into Starscream’s processors. Vos would not be rebuilt because of him. Vos would never rise above the clouds in a shining display of beauty and power ever again because pitiful little Starscream could not will himself to see its full construction through. Starscream shook his head to rid himself of these invasive thoughts. “I- I just can’t. I was up all night thinking about it. And then I… I had nightmares. I didn’t want to disturb you again…”

“Starscream,” Optimus said, holding a comforting servo to said seeker’s face. “I understand if you feel pressured to go, and I will not force you. I know it is much for you to absorb.” Even as he said it, Optimus still could not fathom a single thing keeping Starscream from seeing Vos again.

“Y-yes,” Starscream whispered. As right as Optimus was, it all came down to the bottom line: Starscream had no more pills. Having a breakdown at his former home away from his current home was sure to shatter him in more ways than one. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it, and he hated himself for it. Starscream wanted to see Vos again, there was no question. But his addiction and the reasons for it kept him from it.

Then, Optimus’ expression turned from one of comfort to that of withdrawn regret. “Remember that we will be gone for a few days to get the project off the ground, at the very least. It will mostly be cleanup and reconnaissance, then the rebuilding will start shortly after.”

Of course, it was the same routine for Vos as it had been in every other city they rebuilt, little by little, sometimes from the ground up. But Starscream couldn’t bring himself to focus on that. Instead, he reminded himself he was withholding himself from seeing what remained of his once-glorious city, as well as the beginnings of its rebirth. Because of the pills he needed, he could not bear witness.

No.

Because of _Optimus_. If it weren’t for Optimus insisting that Starscream seek outside assistance, he wouldn’t be in this situation. He wouldn’t have to buy pills from an outside source, wouldn’t have to sell himself for his remedy every few days. This was all Optimus’ fault.

“Starscream?”

“W-what?” Starscream asked, shaken from his reverie of realization.

“Are you absolutely certain you do not wish to go?”

“Of course I want to go!” he snapped, but quickly pulled his anger back. “B-but, I need to rest. I-I can’t afford to be overwhelmed right now.”

“Very well,” Optimus sighed. “Should you change your mind, you may comm me, and I will try to fetch a ground-bridge for you.” Starscream nodded. The regret was clear on his face and Optimus wished that his mate did not have so many added stressors that held him back. But there was nothing Optimus could do for him at current, and he still had other worldly matters to attend to. “I love you. Take care while I am gone.” He graced Starscream with an affectionate kiss on the crest of his helm, then away he went to his office to contact his fellow Autobots, then exit through a ground-bridge.

Starscream just stood there as Optimus had walked past him, without another word or gesture in the Prime’s direction. He felt like he had nothing more to say except venomous vitriol that could have easily been misdirected. Luckily, he lacked the backstrut to do it with Optimus still in the room. Who knows what Optimus would have done if Starscream had openly blamed him for his drug problem?

Well, what did it matter now, anyway?

Starscream heard the bridge open in the other room as Optimus walked through it, off to the seeker’s former home-land of Vos. It was where he was shaped into what he was today, where he grew up, went to school, had his mates… Vos had been everything to him. And yet, here he was, staying behind in his paltry little domicile in the city of Uraya. Optimus had insisted it would be best for all of them, since it was once a place Autobots and Decepticons both called home. It was predominately both and neither; at the center of division while the war had raged on.

Now, Starscream was alone for a few days, and without the medication he desperately needed. At the mere mental acknowledgment, his plating began to itch. It felt like it had been so long since he had to go through it again and couldn’t help but scratch every little tingle that rose up against the surface. Starscream wrested that control to himself; he would NOT let his addiction get the better of him. He would get through this until he got his long sought-after pills. Everything would be fine.

. . .

Hours after Optimus had left, Starscream did his best to try and sleep through most of the day, but after short increments of recharge, he found himself waking over and over. After the fifth attempt at sleep, Starscream decided to stay up instead. Knowing he did not have his medication in-hand, he busied himself with menial chores, trying his best not to think of the pills, or of Optimus, and especially not where Optimus went.

In only an hour, Starscream had finished cleaning and straightening up almost every area of the house. It was then that his plating started to itch again. He decided to call up Steve. He made his usual first ‘ping’ to the drone’s comm, but he received no answer. So Starscream tried again. And again after that. He quickly grew worried; what if he couldn’t get meds today, either? He was already feeling the effects of withdrawal, and he didn’t want to imagine them getting further along.

Starscream had instead decided to finally pick up one of the novels Optimus had left him. The screen had started to flicker several minutes after being powered on and Starscream found himself too annoyed with the damn thing to even try to keep reading. It was only making him more antsy, anyway.

Feeling a gradually stronger urge to dig his claws into his plating, Starscream fought it by going to fly for a bit. The air on his wings always did him good.

Except today.

He couldn’t help but let his processors fly as freely as he did; he thought of his home – of Vos. Even if it was only a few hours into its reconstruction, Starscream wanted to know how it was doing. It shouldn’t be that far to just fly there, should it? Starscream shook himself of these thoughts. He would have been more than happy to go, if only he had his medication first! It had been awhile since his last attempt; surely another call to Steve wouldn’t hurt.

Starscream dialed the comm again. This time, Steve did answer.

/Yeah./

“Steve! Finally! Can we meet? I really need those pills.”

/Sorry, babe. Busy right now at a job. Maybe tomorrow./

Starscream’s movements twitched as he flew and saw it necessary to make an emergency landing. He came to an abandoned area in a newly-constructed town, but didn’t bother to look around for anyone wandering about. “Y-you don’t understand! I need-“

/And I said tomorrow. Deal with it, druggie./

The comms disconnected.

Starscream was prepared to make his argument if he needed, but Steve just hung up on him. He was cutting him off! Steve was ready to let him die from this! Starscream backed himself into a nearby wall as his vents grew shallow and quick. He barely realized his talons had started gouging deep gashes in his thighs and chest. Starscream wasn’t getting help. He was on his own.

. . .

Starscream had made it back home, but the withdrawal from his medication pulled him deeper into agony by the hour.

After attempting to sleep it off, pace, and even read again, he found his frame was too wired and aching. It felt like no time at all when he was barely able to stand anymore. He had just made it into the washroom and turned on the taps to cool his frame. His plating burned, the cuts he’d made in his thighs were deep enough to bleed and left droplets on the floor where he’d collapsed; his entire frame writhed and twisted as his tanks felt like they were corroding away. Starscream had been sobbing, crying out for Optimus or anyone close by that could help him.

But nobody came.

Except… there was someone who could help. But that mech had already denied Starscream twice today. Why wouldn’t he for a third time?

Starscream pressed a shaky digit to his comm in a last-ditch effort to free himself from the fresh hell he’d brought on himself. “Steve!”

A long enough time went by that Starscream purged for the second time that day. He was luckily coherent enough to hear Steve finally answer. /What now?/

“Steve, I’m b-begging you!” Starscream coughed. “Please help me; I need the pills! I-I swear I’ll p-pay you…!”

/Whoa, babe, you don’t sound so good,/ Steve said normally. He didn’t sound surprised, but perhaps amused. Starscream hated this mech.

“Steve! I’ll give y-you anything! J-just help me!” Starscream rolled onto his front, claws digging into the back of his helm and the tiles of the washroom. “Please!”

In the haze of his pain, Starscream heard Steve sigh. /Prime there?/

“No! H-he’s out f-for a few d-days!”

/I was really hoping to just rest after work, ya know? But, fine. Be there soon. Don’t die on me, yeah?/ he said, then disconnected.

Starscream felt a small wave of relief knowing Steve would finally assist him. But that did nothing for him in this exact moment. Starscream felt like he was being stabbed repeatedly in every square inch of his frame, inside and out. How did he fall so far? How could he have allowed things to get this bad? Did it even matter anymore? He was in this waking nightmare whether he liked it or not, and nothing was going to raise him from it. Unless, of course Steve arrived with his trusty pills, or – preferably – the cold, but welcomed embrace of death would consume him.

. . .

Steve had arrived, as usual, taking his time to get to Starscream’s home. He made his way in through the window again, wondering to himself if the lax security was intentional this time. He shut the window behind him, then looked around the room. There was no trace of Starscream, but there was the sound of running water in the next room.

The Eradicon turned, letting the door grant him access to see the shivering, silver heap on the floor. “’Scream?”

Mentioned heap shakily turned his helm toward the one that called him, almost unable to respond. “St…e…?”

“Yeesh, you’re a real mess, huh?” Steve asked. He turned off the tap and sat just behind Starscream on the soaked floor. “You gonna make it?”

“M-meds…”

“Oh, yeah, right.” Steve removed a bottle of his supply from his subspace, opening it to take a single pill before stowing the remainder. He gently rolled Starscream on his back – careful of his wings – and rested the seeker’s helm in his lap. “Got it right here, babe,” he said, holding the pill in front of Starscream’s optics. The weakened mech opened his intake in response and Steve placed it on his glossa, letting him swallow. Steve traced a claw along Starscream’s throat to feel the transfer, but it only made the seeker tremble more. Steve took that information into memory before moving his servo to frigid faceplates to gently pet.

A painful few minutes went by, but Starscream’s shaking had finally died down to the occasional, light tremor.

“You really got in this deep. You know that, right?” Steve asked.

Starscream slowly nodded his helm. The pill had at long last eased his agony and though he felt more at peace, he was also in a mental panic. Though he couldn’t fully focus on one, coherent thing, he knew he how badly he’d fragged things up for himself. How long would it be before he gave himself away in front of Optimus?

“And I guess you know how much you owe me now for this, right?”

Starscream nodded again, not entirely hearing what Steve said this time. He didn’t care; he was only thankful he felt better. Steve must have cared, after all.

Steve patted the drowsing seeker’s chest-plate. “Let’s get you to bed.” He hadn’t waited for a response before slowly getting to his feet and trying to help Starscream to his, though it seemed the groggy mech couldn’t stand on his own quite yet. Steve tried carrying Starscream instead. It was sloppy and it was wobbly, but it was only a few steps to the berth as he set the seeker down a bit more harshly than he meant. “Uh, s-sorry, babe.”

Starscream didn’t seem to care, however as he just remained near-unconscious on his side, back to Steve. “Th…k y…”

Steve stared at him, wondering if he should continue to keep watch or just make a hasty exit. If nothing else, he may as well tell Starscream goodbye. He leaned over the berth, into Starscream’s audial: “You owe me _big_ for this.”

Again, Starscream nodded, but this time used a servo to slowly hold the drone’s face. “S-stay… pleas-se…”

Steve was taken aback by this. He was practically threatening Starscream, yet the seeker was asking for his company tonight. “What if your mate comes back?” Steve asked, not entirely worried in the idea of it. If anything, it was exciting.

“Won’t… Pl-ease…”

Steve wished he had a proper mouth to kiss Starscream with. The seeker was far too beautiful like this: weak, broken, begging for affection. Steve was all-too-glad to give it to him. He made himself comfortable in Starscream and Prime’s berth, cuddled up to the queen of the planet. How much better could this get? Steve locked both arms around Starscream’s midsection, his helm resting on a shoulder. He was practically a damn hero for rescuing Starscream from what could have been the brink of death. A wave of pride washed over Steve as he held Starscream closer. Starscream had pressed back into him, making as much contact as possible before finally passing out.

Steve, however, was far too pent-up to follow Starscream into the darkness. He was anxious and eager, on a high of his own from the night’s events.

The Eradicon pressed his mask against Starscream’s shoulder, taking in his scent. It made Steve shudder. Before he knew it, his servos began exploring every edge and plane of Starscream’s body. Steve traced the edges of Starscream’s chest-plate, then over the glass of his midsection, until he slowed when he came to the codpiece. Steve sucked in a vent as he rubbed small circles over the front, and drew lower, between the seeker’s closed legs. Steve subconsciously felt himself thrust against Starscream’s backside, his vents still shaky, almost unsure. But Starscream was passed out; he wouldn’t feel a thing…

Then, he stopped.

Steve pulled his wandering servo away, back up to Starscream’s midsection. He had to remember that this was purely business, and Starscream had to be conscious to make his payment. It just couldn’t happen any other way.

So, Steve forced his breathing to slow and even out, listening to his bedmate quietly stir in his sleep. It was relaxing, all that Steve could ask for right now. Eventually he was able to calm, and drift blissfully into recharge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the end. Hopefully I will stick by my goal chapter.
> 
> Comments and crits welcome.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's so long. I thought about cutting it, but then felt there was no good place to do so and tension would be broken. The last chapter (more than likely) will be significantly shorter.

Steve was last to sleep, but first to wake. His berthmate seemed to be stirring in his sleep. Maybe he was having a nightmare? Either way, it was a little obnoxious to wake up to, and Steve was not a morning mech.

The drone tried to shake Starscream awake, but that seemed to make it worse. Starscream nearly elbowed Steve in the face before scurrying over to the wall, lowering his wings and tucking in his legs to protect himself. Steve vaguely heard Starscream muttering or whimpering to himself, as he was only barely awake himself.

But the odd display did not play on Steve’s empathy, but rather, his anger. Steve yanked on Starscream’s shoulder to whip the seeker on his back, not caring about the awkward angle his wings were now bent at. Steve noticed that Starscream still didn’t seem to be awake; Starscream’s optics were only narrow, red slits. Steve growled his annoyance, wrapping a servo forcefully around Starscream’s throat. NOW he was finally awake; he was gasping for air, his optics bright and fearful while his servos grasped weakly at Steve’s arm.

“What is your problem?” Steve demanded before tightening his grip. “Huh??”

There was no answer that left Starscream’s lips. Nothing but tiny gasps were able to escape, even as Starscream’s claws scraped at Steve’s arm and chest. Despite having little air, Starscream began hyperventilating, a flood of awful memories that came flowing back and nearly drowning him. “S… St…”

Steve pulled his servo away as if he’d been burned. Starscream held his chest and coughed and choked on what felt like pin needles in his throat. Steve didn’t feel remorse right away, as his servos shook in some form of excitement. He quickly gathered himself as he remembered where they both were, grabbing Starscream’s shoulders and pinning them to the berth. Starscream still hadn’t regained his air, but it wasn’t Steve’s concern. “Look at me.”

Starscream could barely cease his shaking as he struggled to look up at Steve. He was still hyperventilating, a look of fear and vulnerability etched into his entire being. Steve was further frustrated that he could not act on it.

Steve leaned down against Starscream’s audial. “You. Owe. Me. Understand?”

Starscream meekly nodded his helm, his servos stayed close to his chest as if to protect his spark at a moment’s notice. He appeared groggy and barely conscious, but the confirmation of the question was good enough for Steve.

“Good,” Steve said, patting Starscream’s cheek condescendingly. He backed off the berth and opened the window to his freedom. Before he made his exit, he took a single pill from his subspace and placed it on the nightstand. Steve did not further glance at Starscream before hopping out of the window and shutting it behind him. The sounds of transformation and jet engines were not far behind.

Starscream was still shaking. He could have sworn Steve had… No, it was just another nightmare. Wasn’t it?

He remembered being in pain last night, and begging Steve for help, and then when he actually showed up, had given Starscream a pill… And everything felt oddly blurry after that. It was like he was constantly at the edge of consciousness. He knew he passed out. But what about Steve?

On impulse to the question, Starscream opened his valve panel and pressed a digit inside. He felt dry. That was a good sign. He removed it and held it up to his optics for inspection. There was nothing but a tiny trickle of his own fluid. Starscream let out a heavy vent of relief. It looked like he was in the clear, even if he wasn’t about to forget the dramatic change in Steve’s demeanor anytime soon.

Steve was there with him this morning. Had he asked Steve to stay, or did the drone invite himself into Starscream’s berth?

Starscream didn’t want to know the answer.

 

* * *

 

 

The singular pill had been enough to keep Starscream going for most of the day, especially after withdrawing the day before. But just as always, he would need more eventually.

Starscream didn’t want to talk to Steve. Never again. The drone could have killed him this morning, and Optimus wouldn’t have even found out for another day or two. The thought made him shudder. But he knew he had to. He sent out that same forced ‘ping’ as he always did. Steve wanted Starscream around so he could have his spike sucked, and probably for the power rush, too. Steve couldn’t discard Starscream if he wanted to.

_What sort of comfort was that supposed to be?_

/Yes?/ Steve asked, in a sort of sing-songy type of voice.

“You know what I need already!” Starscream was not in the mood for games or for the stupid drone to be coy.

/Always the grouch, aren’t you?/ Steve paused, and only cut in again when he heard Starscream start what was sure to be a tirade. /I got some for you, but there’s a place I want to meet you at, okay?/

“Where? Why?”

/I’ll send you coordinates, don’t worry. And it’s special! Don’t even worry, yeah? I got everything covered./

“What are you even talking about? Where are we going??”

/You’ll see! It’ll be fun! I mean jeez, don’t be so impatient, babe!/

“Don’t call me-“

 _Click_.

Steve had made a habit out of hanging up on Starscream. Certainly not something Starscream would have taken lightly, but he still let it go. As promised, the coordinates to Steve’s “special meeting place” popped up in his messages. Starscream didn’t know where they led to, and he didn’t want to think of them right now. He would just see when he got there, and until then, try to make due with a novel.

Starscream had made it through about half of the third chapter – which was an exceedingly dull romance novel – before Optimus had called him. It was the first time Starscream had heard from his mate since he left.

/Starscream? How are you feeling?/ Optimus had asked.

“F-fine! Just, doing some light reading,” Starscream said. Optimus didn’t need to know that he’d also spent the last hour or so waiting for Steve to call him back while digging harsh lines in his thighs. “H-how are things up there?”

/They are well. We have yet to find any wanderers, I am afraid. Construction was quickly started and had barely stopped since. Our teams work tirelessly to rebuild,/ Optimus explained.

“I’m glad. I… I hope they return.”

/As do I./ There was a certain hesitation in Optimus’ voice that very few would be able to catch, and Starscream was one of them. He knew damn well Optimus no longer wanted to see Starscream’s trine safely back after the discussion (if it could be called that) they had. /I will be home in a few hours. We all need our rest. I will see you soon, Starscream./

“I’ll be here.”

There was the click of disconnection and Starscream felt even worse about it than usual. He wished he knew why, but he didn’t plan on dwelling on it, either. The last thing he needed was more stress. So he ignored it.

Starscream forced himself through more of the sappy drivel of his novel until Steve had finally called back.

. . .

Starscream followed his given coordinates, and he had to double-check them a few times to make sure they were actually correct.

Starscream had made it to a dance club. This was where Steve wanted to meet? Well, this was horrifying. He stared up at the large building that seemed to be pulsing with the music inside, the neon lights cut through the darkness of the night to let everyone in the area know the very name of the establishment. Even the mech who stood guard at the door was a force sure to be reckoned with. Starscream stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do. He didn’t even hear the jet engines or transformation echoes come up from behind him.

Steve wrapped an overly-friendly arm loosely around Starscream’s neck in physical greeting. “Heya!”

Starscream had nothing to say, but his innate response was to curl in on himself as his discomfort grew.

“Hey, come on. Let’s get inside, yeah? Lots to see in there!”

The two walked up to the hulking mech at the doorway. Steve opened the small hatch on his wrist, the information underneath showing an appropriate age. Starscream followed suit, and the doormech nodded them in.

Starscream didn’t even realize Optimus had just tried to comm him.

There were many colorful and flashing lights in the building, many dancing bots – both mech and femme – and those who threw their credits at them. This was certainly a more depraved way for Cybertron to flourish, Starscream thought. Had Optimus really approved this?

Steve had them stop at the bar, but only ordered a single drink, eagerly pushing it into Starscream’s servos as he led him through the crowd and to a booth on the second floor, behind a curtain that housed a circular space and a table behind it.

Starscream took a seat in the booth as Steve closed the curtain behind them. Despite seeing no outward expression of the drone, he still felt a high level of giddiness from him. It was disgusting.

Steve made his seat next to Starscream, encouraging the seeker to finish his drink. Starscream was visibly uncomfortable in the small space; loud music and unintelligible conversation flooded their senses. But Steve had visited this sort of place a few times before the war in what little free time he had. He reveled in it, whereas Starscream did not. He idly watched as Starscream observed the circular space that was made for personal dances and other such “private sessions”. It only made Steve more eager for his payment; his engines revving. He slid his panel back, letting his mostly-flaccid spike out. Starscream had noticed at the corner of his optic, but chose to ignore it. But Steve was less forgiving about it; he took Starscream’s free wrist and brought the servo to his spike. “Get me started, yeah?”

Starscream felt a sickening chill run up his backstrut at the order. But in the usual effort to get it over with, he obeyed, stroking the limp spike. Starscream didn’t look at Steve, and Steve didn’t seem to care. He was grateful the music mostly drowned out Steve’s moans. The seeker only continued to down his drink as quickly as possible. At least with the inebriation, his own care would gradually start to slip away.

Steve’s servo wrapped around the seeker’s digits, assisting in getting him hard. Starscream didn’t even react, continuing to stare at the curtain in front of them. Steve tried a more deliberate approach and wrapped his other arm around Starscream’s slender waist and pulling him closer. As always, the seeker’s reactions were beautiful: his wings angled down, his whole frame trembled, and his grip on Steve’s spike had tightened. Steve rested his helm on Starscream’s shoulder to ensure he could hear him. “Are you ready?”

Starscream nodded his helm and moved out of Steve’s grip to turn and face him. Steve gently stroked his fingers over Starscream’s face, which the seeker subconsciously nuzzled into, before moving to the back of his helm and brought him down to his spike. Starscream set to work like an obedient little sex worker, sucking and deepthroating Steve’s spike like a professional.

Like every payment before it, Starscream tried to null all feeling as best he could. But also like every payment before it, he couldn’t. He still felt guilty, dirty, downright disgusting for what he was doing. But every time, he felt a familiar sort of pressure on him, and he hated to admit that it turned him on. Starscream didn’t have a choice in the matter, he just had to do it and be grateful for the opportunity. The pills that provided him normalcy were all that mattered.

“You’ve been so good, Starscream… I think you deserve a reward,” Steve said. He made sure Starscream was looking at him before pulling out a single tablet from his subspace. “Make me come – and don’t swallow – and I’ll give you this. Okay?”

Starscream’s optics widened at the display, though, he saw the pill looked to be a slightly different color. But then, it was probably just the fluorescent lighting coming through the curtain that made it seem that way. But he needed that pill. After his last withdrawal, Starscream knew it couldn’t happen again. He continued sucking with utmost urgency to receive relief faster, and so he did: transfluid flooded his intake and he pulled off the pulsing spike, turning to Steve expectantly.

“Good boy,” Steve whispered, still twitching. He still made good on his promise. He took the pill and pressed it against Starscream’s lips, the seeker granting it passage and swallowing urgently. “Show me,” he ordered. Starscream opened his mouth to show Steve that he had swallowed both transfluid and pill. Steve nodded his approval, then made a request: “Sit on the table for me?”

Starscream licked his lips after swallowing the desired pill, and though he was curious about Steve’s random request, he didn’t bother to rebuff it. He shakily sat himself up, onto the table and he stared at Steve expectantly.

And then his frame went numb.

It felt as if energon had stopped rushing through his lines, failing to keep him upright.

“Whoa, there,” Steve murmured, holding Starscream’s limp frame and gently easing it back on the table.

Starscream’s optics darted about the limited space but frequently back at Steve, but every movement had caused his gyros to spin. What just happened? Why couldn’t he move?! “W-what… was that…?” Even his speech had slowed! What was going on?!

“Take it easy, babe,” Steve said. “I just gave you something to relax.”

“W-hwhat…?”

“Remember when I left this morning and I told you you owe me?” Steve asked. He watched as Starscream started to form words, but didn’t wait for a proper answer before cutting in himself. “You’re just payin’ back your debt.” Steve took care as he started to push Starscream’s legs apart. He flinched at the sight of partially-healed scars that decorated the slender thighs. “Primus, you been cutting yourself? Thought that was something only teenagers did. Heh. You really are fragged in the head, huh?” Steve asked, with zero empathy in his voice. It was cold, mocking.

Starscream tried to shake his head. He didn’t mean to do so much damage, but his plating just itched so chronically that it couldn’t be helped.

Steve clicked his vocalizer at the sad sight before him, deciding it best to move on. He was on limited time as it was. “Anyway, I had to make a house-call, even give you a pill or two to keep you from dyin’ at home. Wasn’t that nice of me? I didn’t even ask you for anything!

“See, I knew you’d say no to this, so I decided to cut out all that and gave you the relaxer. Way simpler for both of us, right?”

Panic took further root into Starscream processors. Everything about this situation was similar but different from old memories. Starscream couldn’t move, and he was terrified. And yet, his spark pulsed normally as if none of this was happening. That unnerved him even further.

“I gave you one of Twitch’s pills; he takes ‘em to stop his shaking. It helps your whole body relax, see? That’s why you can’t move. I gave you a whole one,” Steve explained casually. “Gotta admit though, I thought it’d make you black out. Twitch only takes half a’one…”

Starscream still tried to move even as Steve monologued on. He heard what he said but still tried to pull himself from such a hideous situation. He needed help. He needed Optimus! But without the use of his servos, he could do nothing. He could only watch blearily as Steve did as he liked.

“But this works out! I get to see your pretty face the whole time! But uh, you’ll be paralyzed for a bit, okay? So try not to panic too much.

“And just for the record, I didn’t plan on this from the beginning. Honest. It’s just- you were such a jerk to me when we started talking again. You hadn’t changed. See, you had all this good stuff goin’ for you: mated to the Prime, got your own place, not even payin’ for any of your war crimes, don’t owe nobody nothin’.” Steve lowered his voice, his helm next to Starscream’s. “But you still ain’t humble. You still treat me like I’m lower than you. You still think you’re better than _everyone_!”

Steve hadn’t even realized he’d pulled his fist back until it struck Starscream across the face. The drone hazily looked at the speck of energon on his knuckles from his victim before loosing another punch, and another on Starscream’s vulnerable face-plates, who was completely unable to fight back. He only coughed up blood as Steve shakily observed his servos, like he couldn’t believe what he’d just done. Starscream was whimpering and wheezing beneath him, still paralyzed from Steve’s drug. A chill shot through the Eradicon, mostly of guilt, but had a tinge of pleasure. He placed a gentle servo against Starscream’s dented cheek. “I-I’m sorry- I didn’t mean-“

“D-don’t…!” Starscream whimpered, barely inching his face away from Steve’s servo. He was sore and he was numb; he couldn’t deal with it all. Starscream was scared and knew he was alone. Worst of all, he knew that this was entirely his fault.

Steve wanted to comfort Starscream – he didn’t mean to hit him – but the seeker didn’t want it. Nothing was ever good enough for this selfish, arrogant mech who only ever looked out for himself. Steve didn’t feel so guilty as he rubbed his hard length over Starscream’s panel, wet and leaving a trail of prefluid. “Fine. Just remember you asked for this.”

Steve reached down and dug a clawed thumb into Starscream’s valve panel, gradually forcing it open and revealing the seeker’s slit to him for the first time. Steve moaned, rubbing it slowly, lovingly; his digits traced circles around the swollen outer node and spread Starscream’s valve lips, smearing the lubricant. “I knew it. You were wet for me the whole time!” he teased. “You’re such a slut.”

“P-plea-se… d-don’t…” Starscream whimpered, unable to fight back even as he wanted to. His body just wouldn’t move. Starscream could only be marginally grateful his tactile sensors were dulled. Primus was somewhat merciful this evening, in a twisted sort of irony.

“I’m going to make love to you, Starscream,” Steve whispered in the seeker’s audial. “Are you ready?”

Starscream convulsed immediately, his frame hiccupping in a sob as he turned his helm to the side. He felt sick. Then he felt Steve grab his face, jerking it upward.

“If you purge, I’ll make sure you choke on it.”

Coolant formed at Starscream’s optics. Perhaps choking on his own vomit was better than living through another rape. It wouldn’t kill him, but it could at least lock him in stasis for a bit. He didn’t know, and didn’t take time to think on it. He only looked blankly into Steve’s optics. What other choice did he have? He was completely at Steve’s mercy, or lack thereof.

“Just- behave for me, okay? It’ll make this a lot easier on you,” Steve said, and let go of Starscream’s face.

Starscream had begun to shake his head with what little movement he had. Then, after the long, agonizing moments, Starscream felt the slightly-pointed head of Steve’s spike against his entrance. Slowly it pushed in, deeper and deeper, drawing out the Eradicon’s moans the farther he went. Starscream’s vents deepened, but he was still granted no mercy: no panic, no passing out, no nothing. Built-up coolant finally spilled from his optics. He didn’t feel the penetration as he naturally would; instead, it felt like a building pressure, like his bare protoform was being pinched and pulled. It was uncomfortable and invasive, almost as if he was in surgery. Almost anything would be better than what he was going through right now.

Steve had quickly begun pounding the defenseless seeker as if it was his for the taking. He held Starscream’s legs apart to expose more of him, further searing his own desire for dominance in his processors. For centuries, Steve had longed for Starscream, to be near him, to touch him, to _have_ him. Now, he was the one in charge, with Starscream firmly under his thumb. That power gave Steve a bigger and better high than anything he’d gotten from his medication. Steve cursed as he bent over Starscream for better leverage, going deeper into the vulnerable valve. Knowing that Starscream couldn’t even fight back was more of a turn-on than he thought and he quickly met his overload deep inside his beautiful seeker. Starscream’s frame continued to twitch; though he was unable to fully panic, he couldn’t fight off his quiet sobbing.

“Y-you’re even more am-mazing this way, Star…” Steve remarked with a short laugh, leaning back and out of Starscream. He took a moment to catch his vents in the relaxing comfort of the cushioned seats and deep bass pulsing throughout the club, allowing Starscream’s legs to lull to the side, completely open. Steve lazily observed his work while he reclined: the once-delicate valve was now stretched open, swollen, and leaking fluid both from Steve’s overload and Starscream’s own unwanted excitement. “You really wanted this, huh? Heh.” Steve sat up, pushing Starscream’s legs open more to view the abused slit. “Ya know… I think I got some more in me. You won’t be able to move awhile anyway. May as well enjoy myself, right?” Steve asked. He didn’t expect an answer from Starscream, but he planned to enjoy the other’s limp frame regardless.

Starscream could do nothing. He was allowed nothing. He could barely talk, think, was unable to move even a digit. He knew there was something suspicious about Steve asking him to come out tonight, but never imagined things would turn out like this. And it was all because of his addiction.

All of this was his fault.

. . .

After receiving no answer from Starscream, Optimus found himself worrying more than he felt necessary. Maybe the seeker was just in the shower, or even taking a nap. He’d call back before he returned home. Everything would be fine. Then, he opened his comm to someone else. “Ratchet, may I speak with you?”

There were only seconds of quiet static before the medic replied. /Certainly. What about?/

“I was hoping we may speak in-person.”

/Oh. Yes, of course. Let me get a bridge for you./

Optimus turned back to a less-desolate view of Vos for a final look-over, then walked through the ground-bridge as it had appeared in front of him.

Moments later, he ended up a few meters away from Ratchet, and the bridge closed behind him. Optimus turned to him with his servo outstretched in greeting, a small smile adorning his face. “It is good to see you, Ratchet.”

“And you as well, Optimus,” Ratchet responded, shaking the offered servo. “It’s been awhile since we talked. What’s on your mind?” he asked.

Before Optimus could answer, Knock Out had walked in the door. The cherry mech stopped in his tracks as he saw the two of them, briefly wondering if he was in trouble. “Ah, good to see you again, Prime. Uh, what-“

“Why aren’t you at the clinic, Knock Out?” Ratchet asked with a hand on his hip.

“Oh, I left it to Meld for the night.”

“She hasn’t finished her training, and that wasn’t even what I-“

“Relax, old timer. It’s getting late and there’s still First Aid there with her. They’ll be just fine,” Knock Out reassured him. Ratchet huffed his response, but Knock Out went on anyway. “I’ll be in the shower if you need me. I’ve got a hot date,” he said with a wink, and set off down the hallway.

Ratchet shook his helm, but turned his attention back to Optimus. “Sorry about that. What did you need?”

“Hm, may we speak where we are less likely to be interrupted?”

“It would just be the berthroom at that point.”

“That is fine.”

Ratchet led Optimus there, and made sure the door was locked behind him. The elder mech was beginning to grow concern with Optimus’ secrecy. The Prime was usually so straightforward with everything. But Ratchet was fully willing to hear him out.

The two sat on the berth. A tense silence filled the void for a moment as Ratchet waited for Optimus to speak. It was unlike the Prime to hesitate. “What’s been bothering you, Optimus?”

Optimus glanced at his best friend, then stared back to the floor. He hated that he was so uncomfortable to even speak of important matters with his oldest friend. But they were delicate and a little more than intimate. Still, he went to Ratchet to discuss them, and so he would. “My apologies, Ratchet.” Optimus ex-vented deeply to let go of all his tense nerves before he continued. “You know I wished to keep my private and – I suppose – ‘professional’ lives separate. But as of late, it has become far more difficult. I do not wish to drag you into my problems.”

“It’s no trouble,” Ratchet reassured him. “It’s in everyone’s best interest that your mental state is free of any chaos that could be clouding it. Just remember that I am technically no psychiatrist, but I will do my best to help you with whatever you need.”

“And I appreciate it, my dear friend,” Optimus said with a small smile, though it quickly faded. “I am… afraid. Afraid for my bondship.”

Ratchet didn’t like where this was going. “Go on?”

“There is no doubt that Starscream makes me happy; but, whenever I go out of my to do more for him - to show my devotion and love, it seems like it is never enough. Lately he has been irritable and more quick-tempered than usual. He is chronically anxious and it worries me. Starscream always assures me he will be fine and his mood-swings are just temporary, but it seems like a frequent phase he goes through.” Optimus pressed a servo to his face, shaking his helm. Confronting his problems verbally like this was a welcome but painful change of pace.

“I see. Have you discussed these concerns with him?”

“Of course. He merely shrugs them off, almost as if he does not even care. But even when I told Starscream we were resurrecting Vos, he chose at the last second not to go, and I still cannot fathom why.”

“That is quite strange. Have you talked with him since you left?”

“Once, when I updated him on what was going on. I tried to contact him again an hour or so later and he did not answer.”

“Do you have any guesses on what might be keeping Starscream so distant and irritable?”

Optimus sighed. “Though he insists they are not, I believe it is because of the pills he is taking. They seemed to work fine at first, but Starscream has almost regressed entirely into secrets and anger as of late. He still has bursts of happiness and joy, but they are sporadic and grow less frequent.

“Not only that, but he has been hinting more and more at having sparklings. I am… torn that I must deny him for now. With Cybertron still rebuilding, and Starscream on medication, it is not in either of our best interests.”

Ratchet inwardly cringed at the idea, but didn’t find it necessary to relay to Optimus. “I would say it is the right decision not to have sparklings for now, Optimus. It would put quite a strain on the both of you.

“What sort of medication has Starscream been taking? I didn’t hear about him seeking any other professional help since I last spoke with him.”

Optimus suddenly felt his entire frame tense in response to the question. “I-I’m sorry?”

“Starscream didn’t tell you?” Ratchet asked, sounding quite surprised. “He didn’t go to his first appointment. He told me he had found comfort in the Vehicons and had discussed his own hardship with them.”

Like a gale wind, Arcee’s question of Starscream’s loyalty had cut right through Optimus again. But a sliver of trust kept Optimus from indulging such an accusation fully. “When did he tell you this?”

Ratchet saw the frantic worry in Optimus’ optics, and it stirred a panic in himself as well. “S-several months ago.” The medic watched on as Optimus abruptly stood and continued to stare at the wall; his vents came heavier. “Optimus, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Starscream has been taking medication for _months_. Where would he have gotten it if not from a professional?” Optimus asked, still staring ahead.

“From a dealer,” Ratchet answered automatically.

Optimus swiftly reached his comm-link in an attempt to reach his mate. When it was met with a busy signal, Optimus nearly cursed. Instead, he left a message: “Starscream, where are you? We need to talk. Immediately. Answer me, Starscream.”

. . .

/Answer me, Starscream./

“O-Optimus…” Starscream whined, still unable to reach his comm.

Steve was bent over him, still mercilessly pounding away, though he held Starscream close almost as if he were a lover. He buried his face in Starscream’s neck, moaning and whispering sweet nothings into him.

Steve arched into Starscream, filling him for what felt like the tenth time that night. Steve looked down at Starscream with nothing less than predatory lust in his visor for a moment. Then he saw subtle movement in the seeker’s servos; Starscream was finally gaining his motor functions back. Steve gave a resigned sigh. “Damn. I guess my fun time’s up,” he said, reluctantly pulling out of Starscream for the last time, soon tucking away his spike into its housing. Looking over the broken seeker, Steve felt satisfied, yet melancholy. He so loved having Starscream around to spend time with him, but he knew playing with a mated mech could only end poorly. If only he’d confessed his feelings sooner…

Steve leaned over the still-paralyzed Starscream, holding him in a sort of one-sided hug. “I’m gonna miss you, babe. Really. These past few months have been the best I’ve ever had; I forget all about bein’ depressed!” Steve found himself having to fight back a sob that nearly wracked his frame. There was no time for that. “I’m glad… Glad we had fun together. But all good things gotta come to an end, right? Means that for us, too.” Steve pulled back just enough to see Starscream’s tear-stained face, gently stroking his servo over it. Starscream didn’t look at him, but it was fine. Steve knew he understood. Then, Steve removed a full pill bottle from his subspace and placed it by Starscream’s helm before exiting the tiny room, closing the curtain behind him.

Starscream continued to stare at the ceiling. A great sense of relief that it was over washed over him, and it was all he could be grateful for. He continued to try to flex his joints, to move any and every fiber of his frame to will it to move. He needed to go home, to curl up in a ball, to just die already.

Though it felt like days, Starscream had gained back most of his maneuverability in another five minutes. Slowly he sat up, not forgetting to stow the pills left to him for later use. He tried to plant his heels on the floor, but they still felt unstable, like he was a hatchling just learning to walk. On willpower alone he forced himself to stand and hobble out from behind the secret curtain where he was assaulted, and no one was the wiser. It only made him feel sick again.

Carefully, he walked on shaking heels down the stairs, past every intoxicated mech and femme in his way, until he finally pushed open the door into the airy freedom. Yet, he was not free. Whatever Steve had drugged him with still dulled his senses, formed hesitation in his steps, and caused overall lethargy in his frame. And if Optimus found out…

Starscream felt optics on him as he started his trepid walk back home, but he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a ground-bridge open behind him, followed by someone quite large exiting from it. Bridges weren’t exactly something used by the everyday bot, so the user of such technology could only be a select few. Starscream continued limping as if he hadn’t heard the fanfare, but a not-too-distant voice had stopped him again.

“Starscream!”

The named seeker locked up, feeling paralyzed once again by nothing more than a commanding tone. Starscream turned his helm to look with frightened optics, and as expected, saw a hulking mass of red and blue stomp toward him. This was it for him.

“Starscream, I have been comming you,” Optimus said, grasping Starscream by the shoulder to turn him around. “Where have you-“

Starscream shrunk away from the nearly horrified look his mate had given him. At long last, his sparkrate had started to pick up again, now in double-time.

“What happened??” Optimus held Starscream’s faceplates at an angle that glowed in the neon light behind them.

“I- I-“ Starscream stuttered. Despite the pill wearing off, he still couldn’t form words. At least, not the ones he needed to. He locked his claws into Optimus’ forearm for safety and comfort, pulling himself into his mate’s mass and finally, Starscream broke down into full sobs, unable to say anything more than a few, garbled apologies.

Optimus leaned over him to keep him from falling, but he couldn’t help but notice the stares he and his mate were getting from casual onlookers standing outside the building. Optimus remembered they still had a ground-bridge waiting. “Come, Starscream.”

Starscream forced himself to walk with the Prime to get out of the public’s optic and into the safety of his berth, where he so longed to be right now.

Instead, the two ended up at Ratchet’s abode. The bridge closed behind them and the sounds of a huffy medic were heard afterward. “What happened?”

Optimus signaled behind him, willing Ratchet to be silent for now. He turned his attention to Starscream, kneeling in front of him, trying not to touch the painful-looking dent in the seeker’s cheek. “Starscream, please tell me what happened.”

Starscream was still a whimpering mess, and the fear and sadness he saw in his mate’s optics did nothing to ease him. He wanted to know what happened? That was the last thing Starscream wanted to talk about! But now, he was in a corner, bound there by his own string of choices and his mate was finally confronting him. There was nowhere to hide. Starscream was trapped. He felt his spark hammer against its casing, his vents pick up, and his wings lower. This was an absolute worst-case scenario. He wanted to purge.

“Starscream, I am begging you,” Optimus pleaded, reaching a servo up to Starscream’s face. Even as he knelt, he was level with the seeker’s chest. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t!” Starscream blurted.

“Why not?”

“You’ll leave me!”

“Starscream, why would-“

“Because he raped me!” Starscream cried. Through his half-closed optics, he saw the stunned horror on Optimus’. He was sure Ratchet was in a similar state. In the heat of the moment, Starscream continued to vomit his words as they came to mind. He couldn’t stop now. “I never went to my appointment! Everyone was staring at me, judging me, afraid to come near me like I would murder them on the spot! So I left! I went to a bar and I- I met…” Even now, Starscream was afraid to mention the mech who assaulted him. But he refused to let the fear control him. “I met a drone named Steve, and he gave me pills that could help me. And they did! But then I needed more, and I couldn’t stop taking them! I ran out, and eventually he asked me to pay.

“He… He wanted me to suck his spike! I told him ‘no’, Optimus, I did! But I… I just wanted to make you happy! I did it for _you_! I was happy and normal with the pills! I needed to do it! I needed to! I d-didn’t want you to leave me b-because of my problems!” Starscream finished. He watched as Optimus rose from his position, rubbing his palms against his weary face. Optimus was angry, it was clear as day. He decided to finish before his mate could lash out at him. “But tonight was different. He- he drugged me! I couldn’t move anything but my helm and he… he…” Starscream started to break down into whimpers again and labored vents. He watched as Optimus turned away from him and began to pace. He didn’t have to wait very long for a response.

“You said his name was Steve?” Optimus asked, sounding eerily calm. Starscream nodded his helm, and the Prime put a digit to his comm. “Arcee?”

/Yes, Optimus?/

“I require you to track down one of the drones. The one called ‘Steve’. Take him into custody as soon as you are able.”

/Okay, but can I ask why?/

Optimus looked back to Starscream, then forward as he had. “For assault.”

/… Will do./

“Inform me when you catch him.”

Even as Optimus disconnected with Arcee, he could not bring himself to look at Starscream. He still couldn’t process everything his mate had just told him. The most important parts were that Starscream had been buying pills from someone who was not a doctor, and had been paying in oral sex. Starscream had been cheating on him so he could get medication. Optimus was furious, but was miraculously able to internalize it for now. He also could not discount the fact that Starscream had just been attacked by his dealer. That exacerbated the fury, but still much of it went to Starscream. Optimus barely knew what to think.

“Optimus,” Ratchet said, finally breaking his silence. “If Starscream has been sexually assaulted, he needs to go to the clinic immediately.” Despite the clear urgency in his voice, he wasn’t sure if Optimus had actually heard him. “Optimus-“

“I heard you,” Optimus said flatly, still facing away from both Starscream and Ratchet. “Please prepare the ground-bridge.”

Ratchet was taken aback, but nodded as he did as told. He risked a look at Starscream, who had been shaking the entire time he’d come through the bridge. Ratchet decided it best to ensure the seeker had medical attention as soon as possible. Ratchet set a comm to the clinic, requesting a ground-bridge. With the coordinates set, he watched as the swirling light of green and white appeared in the room next to them.

As if responding to a call, Optimus finally turned to address it. He barely cast a look at Starscream, but the seeker didn’t seem to notice anyway, as shaken and intently staring at the floor as he was. Optimus herded the seeker toward the opened bridge adjacent to them with a single utterance of “go”.

Starscream took a tighter grip upon himself at the order, but submissively turned and hobbled through it. Optimus followed, a blank look on his face, before Ratchet followed them.

. . .

As the last of them filed in the waiting room of the clinic, Meld quickly closed it and vaulted over her desk and immediately started fussing over a distressed Starscream. He withdrew on himself, but didn’t otherwise move away from her servos.

“What happened?!” Meld asked, observing his damaged cheek.

“Not for you to worry about,” Ratchet answered, shooing her away to talk to Starscream directly. “Starscream, if you come with me, I can get you checked out for any damage and remaining CNA. Just through here-“

“N-no! Please!” the seeker cried, backing away from Ratchet and the doorway.

“Starscream, this must be done. It is imperative to your health and to catch your assailant!” Ratchet insisted. Optimus still remained off to the side, completely silent.

“I can’t!”

Ratchet had to think. He didn’t want to just drag the seeker back to a room, kicking and screaming. Starscream needed to be as comfortable as possible. “Would you rather it be someone more familiar who checked you out? Perhaps Knock Out?”

Starscream’s wings briefly picked up before lowering again. He would still rather be left alone, as Optimus clearly wanted nothing to do with him. He didn’t answer Ratchet’s question.

“Knock Out,” Ratchet said into his comm. It was an irritating amount of time before the younger medic answered.

/Yes?/ Knock Out asked in a sultry tone.

“We need you here at the clinic immediately.”

/Wh- I- I said I had a date tonight!/ Knock Out argued, all seduction gone from his voice.

“And I said you’re needed for a medical emergency!”

/Please, it can’t be THAT important./

“It’s Starscream,” Ratchet started. He spoke a little quieter. “He was raped.”

There was a burst of static, then silence before Knock Out answered again. /Send me a bridge in one minute./

“We will.” Ratchet disconnected his comm and returned to his forlorn group. Optimus still remained to the side, seemingly lost in an ocean of his own thoughts, making futile attempts to process it all. He couldn’t imagine how the Prime must be feeling after Starscream’s confession.

Starscream himself however, might have been slightly better off, if nothing else than having Meld talk to him, keep him distracted from the night’s events, and calm.

Ratchet had never envisioned himself being tangled in a domestic squabble between his best friend and former enemy, yet here he was, doing his best to play mediator as well as doctor. He turned to Meld again. “Please send a bridge back to Knock Out’s coordinates.”

Meld looked between Ratchet and Starscream, in conflict with her orders and her feelings. She assumed Ratchet knew best, so she gave Starscream a final, gentle stroke on his helm before returning to her seat and typing a few things before a ground-bridge appeared in the corner of the waiting room.

Not ten seconds later, Knock Out had made his way through the bridge. His optics immediately scanned the room, then walked steadfast toward Ratchet and Starscream. “Where do you need me?”

“Take him to room three. Do the usual kit process, but also do a scan for any narcotics that may still be in his system. Though, while we’re on the subject,” Ratchet said, confronting Starscream this time. “Did Steve give you more pills?”

Starscream looked up at the medic through moist optics as he leaned over the counter, but nodded an affirmation.

Ratchet held a servo out to him. “May I have them?”

With little hesitation, Starscream pulled the bottle from his subspace and surrendered them.

“Is this it?”

Starscream nodded again. He didn’t want the pills. He never wanted to see them or that vile drone again. The thought of withdrawal was on the backburner; feeling both safe and endangered at the same time.

“Good, thank you,” he said, handing them to Meld. “I need you to do a records check on Steve. I want to know who his psychiatrist is and what they’ve been subscribing him, and see if this is one of them. Can you handle that?”

“I- Uh, y-yes! I can do that!” Meld said, and swiftly set to work on her computer.

“Good. Knock Out, I will be with Optimus if you should happen to need me for anything.”

“Got it,” Knock Out said with a nod. Then he turned to Starscream, who was still hunched over the desk. He laid a comforting servo between Starscream’s wings, gently guiding him toward room three. “This way, Starscream. Let’s get you checked out.”

Starscream still didn’t speak, afraid to say anything that could draw attention to himself. He obeyed, if only to get this over with faster. Eventually he would have to deal with Optimus’ judgment. He only hoped it would be swift.

With Starscream being looked after by Knock Out and Meld doing background checks on Steve, Ratchet could finally turn his attention back to Optimus. Prime had been sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, helm in hands, and looking absolutely destroyed. Ratchet wasn’t sure what sort of comfort he could offer Optimus at this moment, but it wouldn’t stop him from trying. He took a seat next to him, placing a cautious but comforting servo on the Prime’s back. “We will get this taken care of.”

“Ratchet,” Optimus murmured quietly. “How could I have been so blind? It all seems so obvious now, and I am powerless to do anything. This is _my fault_.”

“Optimus, do not blame yourself for this. At least not fully.” Ratchet paused, about to step through a minefield worth of wrong things to say. He would have to tread carefully. “Obviously I do not know what fully went on, and I would likely only get your side of the story, anyway. However, I may hazard a guess to say that you both may be at fault. Starscream should not have lied to you, that much is certain. And perhaps you should have come to me sooner, or even joined Starscream on his initial visit.”

“It is simple to say what either of us should have done, but it changes nothing where we are now.” Optimus groaned into his palms. Ratchet was about to respond before Optimus sat upright and started speaking into his comm. “Yes, Arcee?”

/Optimus, Smokescreen and I caught Steve. I interrogated him, and…/ Arcee trailed off.

“I will be there momentarily,” Optimus said before turning to Ratchet. “I need you to come to the prison with me.”

“Me? What for?”

“As a witness,” he answered vaguely. Optimus stood, taking two steps toward the desk, startling the femme behind it. “Meld, could you please open a bridge to the prison?”

“Y-yes, of course, sir!” Meld sputtered, quickly tapping into her keyboard again before a ground-bridge opened beside them again.

“Thank you. Ratchet, with me.” Optimus strode through the portal, Ratchet close behind.

. . .

Smokescreen was at the door to greet the two of them. “Hey, Optimus! Uh, sir! How are-“

“Where is Arcee?” Optimus asked.

“Er… She’s outside the interrogation room,” Smokescreen answered, pointing down the hall.

Optimus nodded and proceeded past the warrior-to-be toward his destination. He didn’t have time to waste. Ratchet was starting to worry.

It wasn’t long until he saw Arcee, who seemed to be staring intently at a mech who couldn’t see her through the two-way glass. Optimus greeted her with a call of her designation.

“Optimus,” she greeted back, taking notice of the far-off look in the Prime’s optics.

Optimus looked through the glass himself at the drone accused of assaulting his mate. He felt his blood boil at the mere sight of him. But he needed more information first. “You interrogated him?”

“I did,” Arcee answered, though she moved as if her plating was crawling. She saw that Optimus was waiting for her to say more, and it nearly pained her to say it. The massive weight of guilt was on her shoulders: for giving Starscream a hard time, for provoking him, and now especially, for not telling the Prime his secret sooner. “Optimus… He confessed. He barely put up a fight when I first caught him, and when I started questioning him, he just- It was like he was proud of what he did. I almost couldn’t believe it, but-“

“What did he tell you?”

Arcee squirmed again as she was urged to speak. _‘I could have prevented this. I should have prevented this!’_ “He told me that he’s been selling pills to Starscream in exchange for getting his spike sucked. H-he said his roommates got in on it too. And… He said he drugged Starscream at that night club so he could interface with him. Optimus, he described every detail to me, like how terrified Starscream was, and how he cried, and I just- I nearly tore him apart-”

“You have done well, Arcee. However, if this mech has accomplices, I would ask that you take backup, bring them in and interrogate them as well.”

“O-Optimus,” Arcee said, shaking her helm. “Do you want me to keep him locked up, or-“

“I will take care of it. I would like to talk to this mech for myself.”

Arcee looked between Optimus and Ratchet, but eventually conceded to her orders. “Understood. But, Optimus?” She waited for a response, but only received that same, far-away look. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”

Optimus nodded. Eventually, Arcee had finally taken her leave, and Ratchet had stepped up to take her place. “What are you going to do, Optimus?”

“Please wait here,” Optimus said before entering the room.

Ratchet watched anxiously from the other side of the window.

As the door closed behind him, Optimus stared at the Eradicon. The one called Steve, who gladly took advantage of Starscream’s weakness for some sick, sexual thrill. The one who manipulated the Prime’s mate for months, forcing Starscream to lie about his illness the entire time. The very same Steve who sat quietly at a table with his servos folded neatly atop it as if he was waiting for his lunch to be delivered. It was very clear that this vile mech held no remorse for his actions.

“Hi, Optimus. I guess you wanna hear my side of the story, right?” Steve asked.

“No. I have heard everything I need to know.”

In the blink of an eye, Optimus had knocked the table to the side, sending it crashing into the wall. He quickly moved on Steve, gripping one servo on his shoulder, the other encasing the much-smaller drone’s helm, slowly crushing him.

“W-wait-t-“

Optimus did not wait, instead began pulling Steve’s helm away from his shoulders, causing him to shriek in agony, still blurting out pleas and cries of pain as the metal around his neck crumpled and fuel lines split and burst apart, sending spurts of energon everywhere. Soon, Steve’s words became garbles of choked static as he continued to uselessly flail, claw at Prime’s arms, to kick out, to do anything to get his offender off of him. With a final roar, Optimus yanked Steve’s head clean off his chassis, throwing both pieces in different corners of the room.

All Optimus had seen the whole night was red. Nothing and no one could have stopped him from his actions. His vents were heavy, uneven, and almost shaking. Optimus didn’t care that he was covered in the fresh energon of a bot he had just murdered. He had sought revenge, and he had taken it with no second thoughts. Steve would never hurt anyone again.

Ratchet stared, utterly horrified at the scene that just unfurled before him. He’d seen Optimus tear through drones easily during the war, but now? It was never this personal. Ratchet couldn’t even see his closest friend unleashing that sort of rage on even Megatron. He was even wary to approach Optimus as he stepped out of the room. There was a cold emptiness that seemed to emanate from the Prime. “Optimus?”

Optimus looked to the side, still covered in bright, blue energon, and his expression lacking in any sort of emotion. There wasn’t even a trace of anger left on his face.

“Are you certain he truly deserved to die?”

“Yes.”

Ratchet was taken aback at how blunt Optimus was being about the life he’d just taken. “But I thought all sentient beings had a capacity for change?”

Optimus took a moment to absorb the words – his own words. He saw naivety in them. “He made himself an exception,” Optimus said finally, before walking back down the hallway that they had entered through.

. . .

Optimus and Ratchet both exited the ground-bridge back to the clinic. Meld was about to ask how it went until she saw Optimus.

“P-Primus! Are you alright, Optimus??” she asked, stepping around her desk in an effort to help.

“He’s fine,” Ratchet said, holding up a servo.

“B-but he’s covered in energon-!”

“It’s not his,” he mumbled. Before she could respond, he cut in with his own inquiry. “Have you checked those records?”

“I, uh, yes! I have!” Meld sat back down, optics occasionally wandering toward Optimus. “Remedy has been Steve’s psychiatrist, and recently he’s been giving him some pretty strong anti-depressants. I assume that’s what he’s been giving to Starscream,” she said a little quieter. “I’ve been checking our supply, and what Starscream had seemed to be what Steve had been receiving. If he’s addicted, we can’t just cut him off. It could…”

“Yes, Meld. I know. We will take care of it. Thank you for looking into it. I will have a word with Remedy after tonight.”

“I’m glad I could help. I… I just want him to be okay.”

“We all do.”

Knock Out had entered the room, oddly quiet as he wiped his servos off on a towel. He sighed deeply before speaking, assuming that everyone of relevance was still in the room. “Physically, Starscream is fine. He is sore and tired, and the dented metal will heal in time. Minimal internal damage. Mentally, however…” Knock Out paused and finally looked up, finding an enraptured Meld, an attentive Ratchet, and a bloodied Optimus. “Did something happen while I was in the back, or?”

“It’s nothing to worry about,” Ratchet sighed. Optimus had finally stood with him, at least to inquire on Starscream’s health. “Continue.”

Knock Out didn’t exactly believe it was “nothing”, but right now, he was willing to take it at face value. “Well, mentally, Starscream is a bit of a wreck. I can’t imagine what he’s going through, really.

“However, it is worth mentioning that he has a decent-strength relaxant in his system. That was the likely culprit in Starscream’s paralysis. Unless some gutter-mech is selling it on the street, it was something prescribed to someone, and the one who used it on Starscream had ahold of them.”

“Has he said anything?” Optimus asked, finally saying something since their return.

“Not much. He was most vocal about me not touching him at first. It took some convincing to talk him down.

“Then, it was a struggle to keep him still. I didn’t use straps or anything, but-“

“Has he said anything?” Optimus asked again, but more firmly, demanding.

Knock Out couldn’t help but shrink under that look, and he forced a nervous chuckle to speak again. “He’s, ah, said a lot of things, for sure. B-but, it isn’t my place to get involved in any personal domestic dispute you two might be having.

“I’d recommend talking to him yourself.” Optimus immediately moved to walk past him, into whatever room held Starscream, but Knock Out managed to summon forth what little bravery he had to step in front of a silently raging Prime. “N-not right now. We’ll be keeping an optic on him for tonight, but give him some time alone. Like I said, he isn’t well. He wouldn’t even talk to _me_ for the last ten minutes of the procedure. Give him an hour or two. Or, even wait until tomorrow. It’s my own, professional advice.” Knock Out held up his servos defensively, but Optimus had backed down anyway, though he did not look any less displeased. Knock Out walked behind Meld’s desk to explain the issue to her, eyeing Optimus as he went.

“Optimus, I can wait with you as long as you need,” Ratchet hurriedly offered.

Optimus had barely heard it, as he had begun pacing, flexing his digits into fists in an effort to stave off his anger. He wanted – needed – to talk to Starscream. He wanted to yell at Starscream, even intimidate and guilt him for his infidelity. But it wasn’t just that Starscream was unfaithful. He’d done it for medication, which the seeker had claimed he had done all for Optimus. Had Optimus really pressured him that much to get to that point? What if this truly was all his fault?

Optimus stopped his pacing to finally look down at his own servos, which were still covered in blood, however dried. He had just killed a mech, almost purely on Starscream’s word. His frame shuddered slightly, either in fear of his own actions or the fact he did it so easily, feeling the barest inklings of guilt but nothing more. He’d killed probably thousands of Steve’s kind during the war without batting an optic, but this was not the same. Steve was a drug-peddling rapist; he did not deserve the luxury of living.

But then, it all came back to Starscream, and every bit of blind trust Optimus had put in him. Despite their rocky beginning, Optimus never once thought that Starscream would wound him so greatly. But he did, and for months, Starscream kept it a secret from Optimus, never once finding it within himself to confide in his own mate.

Under the crushing weight of guilt, loss, and exhaustion, Optimus fell to his knees, gritting his teeth in frustration as tears spilled from his optics. Every bit of his internalized feelings had finally boiled over, the evidence of his pain inscribed on his face. He didn’t even feel Ratchet’s servos on his back to comfort him, or hear whatever weak words he had to offer.

For now, Optimus felt the full force of his emotions, but was otherwise numb to the outside world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit, I'm paranoid about the way I've written Optimus through most of this fic. I didn't diverge from my original plan for him and this is how I wanted him to be, how I thought he would react in these situations. I appreciate the feedback all the same. I hope to some of you, he's slightly redeemed.
> 
> Only one chapter left. Hope to see you there.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are ideas in this fic I considered but opted not to use. If you're interested in them, they will likely all be in my Starscream Collection, which is just full of one-shots.
> 
> And here we are, on the final chapter...

Optimus hadn’t recharged the entire night.

He had spent the better part of it pacing anxiously while waiting on any news of Starscream’s health, since none of the medics he spoke to would let him in to see his own mate. It was unbearably frustrating. There was so much they needed to discuss.

If nothing else, the ones that denied Optimus entry to Starscream’s room were only doing their jobs, and it was easily assumed that Starscream was not ready to speak to him. And that hurt even more.

Ratchet had been there, certainly. But there was only so much he could do to ease the tension. Optimus was unable to be still for any lengthy period of time, and so Ratchet had not urged him too much to sit and talk. But when the fifth hour rolled around and Optimus could still not will himself to calm, Ratchet had asserted himself more. “Optimus.”

Optimus had been staring at the doorway that led to Starscream for the past twenty minutes as if the seeker would just appear at any moment. He wanted that to happen, but it was likely not to be.

“We should talk. Will you accompany me back to my house so we can have some privacy?”

Optimus looked to Ratchet, then returned to the doorway. “I must wait for Starscream.”

“Starscream will be here when you return. Everyone here will ensure he is in good health, I promise you.”

Again, Optimus traded glances and despite Ratchet’s honest words, he still fought within himself to stay.

“Please, Optimus. Allow me to help.”

Words that felt so familiar but far away were what broke Optimus of his trance. He took a moment to process Ratchet’s word and the situation. Starscream was in good hands and in no danger, and as Ratchet said, he’d be here when Optimus got back. “Very well,” he relented.

“Good,” Ratchet said, standing from his chair. “First Aid, if you could open the bridge to my house, please.”

First Aid nodded from his chair behind the desk and typed in coordinates, with a bridge appearing soon after.

Optimus had made his walk through the swirling tunnel first, but Ratchet turned to the other medic before following. “Do not leave again until the end of your shift. Understand?”

“Yes,” First Aid said through gritted teeth. He knew he messed up by leaving Meld alone for an extended lunch break. He didn’t want a reminder.

Ratchet nodded and followed Optimus, back to his house. There, he found Optimus already seated. At least this time, he looked focused rather than defeated. Ratchet took a seat on the couch across from his friend. He gathered that he would have to be the one to start the conversation. “How are you feeling?”

“Not well.” Optimus said, staring forward.

“Why not?”

Optimus returned the question with a hardened look, like the question was rhetorical. “Starscream was just assaulted.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“You know it is not.”

“Then talk to me, Optimus. What else is there?”

Optimus nearly scoffed at the question. Yes, he knew that Ratchet knew almost everything that was bothering him without saying a word. But he also knew that Ratchet was just trying to help, to get him to talk about every major issue that disturbed him. Unfortunately, that knowledge had put him on further edge. He wondered briefly if this is how Starscream had felt when he went to the clinic for the first time.

“Optimus, please.”

“Ratchet… I cannot.”

“Why?”

“It is too intimate. I know you have not always approved of my relationship with Starscream.”

“True, but Starscream is just as much Cybertronian as you or I with all his faults. But we are here to talk about you.”

“What is there to discuss?” Optimus asked. His mind raced with every question as to why he was here, why he was upset.

“Why you are so chronically stressed. Certainly, the restoration of the planet partially rests on you. But that is not the only thing you think about, I’m sure. Even on the days we are building on a new city, your mind seems elsewhere.”

Optimus was tired and he was irritated. He hadn’t seen Starscream in several hours and it weighed on him heavily. Had he gotten to talk with his mate, much of his agitation would be gone already. “I must talk to Starscream.”

“Are you saying Starscream is the issue?”

“He- No. Starscream is not the issue.”

“But he keeps coming up in conversation.”

“Ratchet, please do not try to manipulate me.”

“I wouldn’t do something like that, Optimus,” Ratchet sighed. “You know I am no psychiatrist, but I still would like to try and get to the bottom of your issues.”

“My only ‘issue’ is that Starscream recovers.”

“It will likely be some time before then. The physical aspect is simpler than the mental, and as Knock Out has told me, Starscream is extremely unwell at this point. On top of the recovery from the anti-depressants, he will still require much therapy for his trauma.”

Optimus allowed this to sink in. “I still need to see him. I need to talk to him.”

“Give him time, Optimus. I’d imagine he feels a tremendous amount of guilt for not confiding in you before.”

“I do not understand why he could not. I am his mate, Ratchet. There should be very few secrets kept between us. I would have gone out of my way to help him before if I had known.” Optimus shook his head. “How could I not have known?”

“I hate to say it, Optimus, but he _was_ a Decepticon. Secrecy and lies technically should have been his forte. Do not blame yourself for his downward spiral.”

“I could have helped him.”

“Most likely, but he also could have helped himself and he did not. Optimus, I am not placing blame solely on either one of you, but I do agree that you should talk to him – when he is ready – and decide on your next course of action as a couple.”

“I plan on it.” What would he say to Starscream, though? Did he even want to be bonded anymore? “How long will he need to remain at the clinic?”

Ratchet scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Given the withdrawal and trauma… I would give it at least two weeks.”

Optimus wanted to recoil at the response. But it wasn’t about him. It was about Starscream, and he was not about to try to rush the seeker through his recovery.

“I understand it is a fairly lengthy stay. But you can visit him as often as you want, and I promise you he will receive the best of care.”

“I trust you, Ratchet.”

Ratchet nodded, then looked Optimus up and down. The usually-pristine Prime was looking worse for wear, almost physically ill with mournful regret. It tore at Ratchet’s spark to see his friend like this. “Optimus, if I may be so bold?”

The only answer received was a questioning look.

“Perhaps you should undergo your own therapy; separate from Starscream.”

“… May I ask why?”

“You are clearly under much stress. The situation with Starscream has compounded greatly on what you had already been facing on a daily basis.” Ratchet paused, taking in the odd glare he was receiving. “You may not agree, my friend, but I believe it best you speak with a professional in the coming weeks about your troubles. If that does not work out for you, we can approach it differently when the time comes.”

Optimus shallowly considered the possibilities of that decision, but he could not make himself focus on his own mental health. Starscream was on the forefront of his mind, and would likely stay there until Optimus was able to speak with him. “I will keep it in mind.”

“Please do. I hate to see you so down,” Ratchet said. “For now, I would recommend you go home and attempt to recharge. I can let you know if there is any change in Starscream’s condition.”

“I do not want Starscream to think I abandoned him.”

“I’ll just tell him I pushed you out the door,” Ratchet said, offering a half-smile. It had no effect on Optimus, so he continued. “He won’t think that, Optimus. I will talk to him and assure he knows what’s going on. The two of you need to recover on your own for now. Please, Optimus. Go home and rest.”

Optimus didn’t want to. He knew Starscream needed him. There were few times where the seeker could barely get through a whole night without digging his claws into his mate. It relieved his stress, and sometimes his nightmares. Optimus couldn’t imagine Starscream on a night on his own.

“We will take care of Starscream,” Ratchet repeated. Seeing Optimus so hesitant and unwilling to move was a very jarring thing to witness.

Optimus nodded as he stood, feeling resigned to his fate. Before Ratchet had set the ground-bridge, he implored for the last time that night. “Please comm me if there is any change in Starscream’s condition.”

“You will be the first to know,” Ratchet said. He tapped in Optimus’ coordinates and the bridge was set before them.

With a frazzled bundle of nerves, Optimus exited through to make what was sure to be a feeble attempt at recharging.

 

* * *

  

“How are we feeling today?”

Starscream glared up on the obnoxious red medic’s face as best he could, as his optics had been half-shuttered the entire night. It was almost a miracle he could decipher the source of the voice as tired and unfocused as he was. Starscream could barely go offline for more than a few seconds before something – anything, really – woke him up: bots walking around, hushed discussions, even memories of events from a few hours prior. His plating suddenly became very itchy, but he did not give in to temptation.

“I’ll take that look as a ‘fine, thanks’.” Knock Out scribbled a few things on his data pad before observing the miserable seeker again. “Did you recharge at all?”

“No.”

“I figured as much. Either way, you’ll need to refuel.”

“Not hungry.”

“I’m afraid that doesn’t matter. Your reserves are low, and you could go into stasis without more.”

“Good,” Starscream mumbled before curling in on himself and offlining his optics.

Knock Out clicked his vocalizer a time or two at his patient’s attitude and a bit concerned with Starscream’s lack of fight. “I’ll be right back with some energon for you.”

Starscream heard Knock Out leave and was grateful for it. He had the quiet, but not the peace. His mind had been traveling the four corners of Cybertron the entire night and now light had begun to peek through the window of his room. Starscream had been wishing he wouldn’t make it through the night to see it. In fact, part of him fully expected Optimus to tear through the clinic looking to rip him apart. Yet, here he was.

On a positive note, though, he had barely felt the itch that frequently plagued him for months. Perhaps the trauma had temporarily replaced the addiction, Starscream thought bitterly.

“I’m back,” Knock Out said, walking around the bed to face Starscream. He held out a cube of energon. Starscream only looked at it, so Knock Out saw fit to be more assertive. “Are you going to take it or do I have to get a needle?”

“I don’t care.”

Knock Out sighed, taking the cube and placing it on a counter for now. He took a seat in a nearby chair and leaned toward Starscream. “We should talk.”

Starscream curled on himself more, optics completely avoiding Knock Out’s. “About?”

“Why you’re being so pessimistic.”

“As if you don’t know.”

“I know some things, but I know you’re staying quiet about the juicier details.”

“This is all just gossip fodder for you, I’m sure,” Starscream mumbled.

“Don’t insult me, Starscream. I like to get out, but I am still a professional,” Knock Out said, raising a mock-offended servo to his chest. He quickly dropped his façade in favor of a serious tone. “What we discuss here will not leave this room. I haven’t even told Prime the horrific things you blurted out to me in your emotional state last night, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“You… didn’t?” Starscream asked. His optics finally met Knock Out’s in questioning and surprise.

“No. Believe it or not, I do have _some_ standards. And, well, a tendency to bend rules.” Knock Out looked thoughtful for a moment as he tapped his own face with a sharp digit. “While Prime had every right to know what you said, I just couldn’t find it in myself to do so. Starscream… I had never seen you like that before, even after your trysts with Megatron. I was worried, I’ll admit.”

Starscream was genuinely surprised by that news. He figured the medic would have just divulged every horrific detail quite gleefully and let Prime tear his own mate to shreds. But Knock Out withheld it. For Starscream’s sake, even. “Friends” though they could have been called years ago, he didn’t expect Knock Out to really keep any loyalty to him.

“I don’t want to alarm you, but…” Knock Out glanced around the room as if there were extra pairs of optics on him. “After I left you and went to the waiting room last night, Prime was covered in energon, and I don’t think it was his.”

Starscream suddenly looked very worried, just barely sitting up from the berth. “I-is he alright?”

“I’m almost positive he’s completely fine. If I had to venture any guess, I’d say he went after your assailant. But don’t take that as fact; by all means, ask him yourself when you have the chance.”

Starscream nodded, but his mind quickly worked overtime to consider the possibilities. Had Optimus really killed Steve? The seeker’s spark fluttered at the thought, which in turn, made him feel slightly ill. He probably shouldn’t be delighted at the death of someone, but then, Steve was truly the scum of the universe who put him through hell the past several months. Starscream decided that he hoped Steve was dead, and achieved it in a horrific way.

“What if he did kill that drone?”

“He deserved it.”

Knock Out nodded. “I agree. I’m sure you already know, but the CNA sample showed to be his, so he was guilty regardless.” The medic watched Starscream a moment, taking notice that the seeker’s optics had been brighter than the past several hours he’d seen him. It was a good sign. Knock Out was confident that Prime had murdered Steve. Meld told him he and Ratchet went to the prison, and he came back covered in blood. It seemed as big a giveaway as any. “Back to my earlier question… How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Starscream answered automatically, very much back on his guard.

“I need specifics.”

“I don’t feel like vomiting anymore, if that’s what you mean.”

“It helps. What about mentally?”

“What do YOU think?!” Starscream snapped.

“I think you’re upset.”

“I was just RAPED; of course I’m upset!” Starscream felt his voice break, but couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Is that the only reason?”

“Oh don’t pretend you care!”

“As your doctor, I’m obligated to care.”

“And that’s the only reason! You don’t care because it’s _me_ ; you care because you’re _paid_ to!” Starscream accused, curling bitterly back up on the berth.

Knock Out tried to keep all emotion from his face, but that last line had him taken aback. “Please just take the energon, Starscream.” Knock Out held out the nearly-forgotten cube in front of Starscream, shaking it gently.

“I don’t want it.”

“You’ll be taking this orally or through a needle. Take your pick,” Knock Out said tersely.

Starscream growled as he snatched the cube from Knock Out and throwing it back like it was a shot of engex. A short shudder pulsed through him before he shoved it back to the medic, then curled back up on the berth.

“Thank you. Now I need to know if you’re feeling well enough to talk with your mate. He’s been asking the entire staff every hour when he can see you.” When Starscream gave no response besides curling further in on himself, Knock Out continued, albeit more softly. “Whenever you’re ready. No one is pushing you.”

A whimper escaped Starscream’s lips and he hated how pathetic it must have sounded. He wanted to talk to Optimus, yet he didn’t. He wanted to cry and beg for forgiveness, but he also wanted to hide away forever, never to talk to Optimus again.

“Should I give you a moment?”

After the fair amount of conversation he had just had, Starscream’s frame had briefly forgotten it needed to recharge. In fact, it felt more adrenaline at the mere idea that Optimus may have killed his assailant. “No. Let me speak with him.”

“You’re absolutely certain?”

“Yes.” Starscream didn’t want to prolong the inevitable. May as well get it over with.

“Then I’ll let Ratchet know,” Knock Out said as he rose from his seat. Before he made to leave, however, he implored Starscream. “Please let me know if you need anything.”

“I- I will.”

Knock Out nodded solemnly before exiting the room. The door shut tight behind him.

Suddenly, Starscream was quite nervous. He was alone like he wanted, but he felt increasingly on-edge. He was left alone with his thoughts. Again, his processors had started to scatter, and they wouldn’t be contained.

Starscream must have counted the tiles on the floor one-hundred times over as he waited for Optimus to arrive. Starscream’s nerves still danced about, not the least bit concerned with settling down. He was most surprised that his mate wasn’t at the door almost instantly after telling Knock Out he wanted to talk. Optimus was always very punctual.

Perhaps the Prime had forgotten about him? Had better things to do? Starscream didn’t know, and his processors made up several excuses as to why Optimus wasn’t there already. All of them exaggerated, of course.

There was a knock on the door, sending Starscream’s idle thoughts suddenly making themselves scarce.

Before he knew it, the door was opening, and he had to try to summon all of his strength to stay there and face the mighty beast that was his mate and figurehead ruler of the planet. It was a lot of pressure to buckle under. He shook but took what little time he had to still his pounding spark.

Optimus had only made his appearance moments later. He didn’t look as livid as Starscream would have guessed. There was a mix of focus and concern, he thought.

The door was deafening as it closed behind Optimus, locking the two in for as long as they needed. They stared at each other for several, long, painful moments that didn’t seem to end and only served to shave away their every nerve. Starscream had a much harder time keeping optic-contact.

Optimus quickly found a chair and took a seat in it, making sure he was close to Starscream all the while. Hesitantly, he reached a servo out to Starscream’s own; gently but firmly he grasped it, to reassure and to comfort. Starscream didn’t pull away but his anxiety increased several-fold.

“Starscream…” Optimus hesitated as if he didn’t even know the words to his next sentence. He fumbled. The Prime was never hesitant; all of his steps were planned several moves ahead. But this time, it was purely on instinct and emotion. Likely a folly, but at the same time, it was genuine. “How are you feeling?”

The Prime started slow. Of course he did.

“Sick. I want to go home.”

“I want you home as well, but you are in need of rehabilitation.”

“What I _need_ is a softer berth with fewer people around.” Starscream’s held servo gripped Optimus’ in frustration, but his mate didn’t seem to mind. If anything, the grip returned tighter.

“We need to talk.”

Starscream immediately pulled his servo away from Optimus at the question, quickly tucking it around his knee as he held tight to himself. The act alone probably looked guilty. He knew this was coming, but despite every confession he screamed in his head, Optimus was deaf to it unless the seeker finally gathered the courage to explain everything in explicit detail. As if _that_ would help.

Seeing Starscream’s response, Optimus decided to begin himself. “Please tell me what I have done wrong, Starscream.”

“W-what?”

“Clearly I have failed you as a mate somehow if you could not even confide in me when you were in trouble.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous! You- you’ve been wonderful!”

Optimus’ servo clenched into a fist at those ill-sweetened words. “Starscream, stop lying to me.”

“I wasn’t!”

“If that is true, then why have you continued to lie to me continually over the past several months? What have I done that caused you to turn to such lies and secrecy? Why would you not choose proper, professional help over… obtaining it illegally?”

Before the words even left his vocalizer, Starscream felt himself starting to sputter. He hastily composed himself and spoke slowly. “I told you already.”

“You told me in a mess of emotion. I would rather hear it when you are coherent.”

“Why? It’s the very same!” Starscream started, his wings rising as he spoke. “I didn’t want you to worry; I wanted you to think I could do this on my own! I thought I could, but things just- just happened, and I left!”

“Starscream, that is very vague.”

“Why are you making me explain this again??”

“Because you are more rested and calm.”

“Who told you that? Knock Out?” Starscream asked, a maniacal snicker to his tone. “In case you forgot, _dear Prime_ , I was attacked last night.”

Optimus felt the very edge of his optic twitch at the not-so-endearing name Starscream used. That threw back to the days of the war. When they were enemies. “Forgive me, I should not have assumed.”

“Obviously.”

A full-body sigh exhausted through Optimus, and it bordered on an irritated growl. “Starscream, please do not be so stubborn. I am trying to talk you through this.”

“’Stubborn’?! Have you already forgotten what I just endured??” Starscream’s wings had risen to their highest point; he was upright and more alert than he had been in days. And now, he was furious.

“No, but-“

“Then why must you keep interrogating me like your prisoner?! I never asked for this, I never wanted…” Starscream stopped, holding a servo to his mouth. “I didn’t want this to happen...”

“I believe you did not intend for all this, but I must know why it did.”

“Because I didn’t want you to think I was weak, that I couldn’t handle a simple task! But I didn’t, and I fled, and I couldn’t have you thinking less of me!

“There! Are you happy?!”

Optimus peered into Starscream’s optics with regret and sorrow. Did his mate really think that little of him? “Starscream, when have I ever been so condescending toward you?”

“You have your moments!”

“Such as?”

“When you decide when I should or shouldn’t go with you on your ever-important meetings, or when you silence me in front of your other Autobots as if I’m a bothersome, petulant sparkling! On more than one occasion did you side with Arcee,” Starscream snarled.

“I was not playing favorites, love.”

“Stop calling me that!” A flash of déjà vu hit Starscream as he said it, but he didn’t take the time to remember when he first said it. He just kept talking. “I know you’re just keeping this bondship with me to aid in restoring Cybertron; to show that Autobots and Decepticons can ‘put aside their differences’ or some other nonsense! This marriage was a sham from the beginning, wasn’t it?!” The familiar prickle of coolant formed at his optics again, but the anger had kept him from noticing. “You were just using me! You _never_ loved me!”

This time, Optimus suddenly stood, knocking his chair back. “You would accuse me of something so deceitful?” There was a dark look to Optimus’ normally bright, blue optics. Starscream recoiled beneath it. “It was never a secret that you chose to appeal to me from the very beginning for your own safety, to gain back what could be called a ‘high-ranking position’. I was the only one willing to give you such a chance at redemption. I know well that you never loved me in the beginning, Starscream. I knew this, even as we grew together and found love.” Optimus looked away for half a moment. “Or, I thought we had.”

“You… You knew?”

“It was plain as day to me, Starscream. However, I ignored it. I naively thought that I could change you if I had shown you kindness and respect. Yet this is where it has landed us in the end. You have lied to and betrayed me, as you have done Megatron in the past.”

A sharp, painful chill ran up Starscream’s backstrut at the accursed name. He hated that it still had that effect on him, but this time, it only fueled his anger. “How dare you! I wanted to keep you happy! Megatron was a fool! He-“ Starscream halted his sentence. He wasn’t about to let Prime lead him off-tangent. “This isn’t the same! I actually give a damn about you! I did once for Megatron, but his abuses had broken me of it! Why can’t you see that?!”

“Because I see that you have found it fit to lie to me these last several months. It was foolish of me to put my full trust in you from the beginning.”

“But-!”

“I should have been watching you more closely; this would not have happened if you-“

“ _I want a divorce_!”

The same, tense, but differently terrified silence passed between them and neither could believe what was just said.

“You want a divorce…?” Optimus repeated.

“Yes! I can’t take this anymore!” Starscream cried. “I hate feeling inferior, incompetent, like I’m wrong with every choice I make! I can’t take it!”

“Starscream, this is- Please, do not do this.”

“Do what? Make my own choice? I want this! I… I…” Starscream found himself hyperventilating and gradually curling in on himself. He felt dizzy, as if he’d drunk too much again. But he only lay in a heap of misery, static buzzing through his processors. “I want this…”

Optimus started to reach for his mate, but an incoming comm had halted him. He wanted to ignore it, he needed to! But when he heard the request from Arcee, he knew it must have been important to the case of Starscream’s assault. Optimus made the split-second decision to excuse himself to take the call. “I will return in a moment. Please try to remain calm, love.”

“Yes, leave me again when I need you! It wouldn’t be the first time!” Starscream said bitterly.

Optimus felt a flash of shame and anger as he made his way out the door of Starscream’s room, and out of the clinic entirely. He situated himself out back where he was less likely to be heard to speak more privately. “What have they said, Arcee?”

/Well, two of them are denying it. One of them confessed, though; the one named Billi. I think he’s the only one who feels guilty about it… I really feel like the other two are lying with how they’re presenting their stories. The twitchy one is really anxious-/

“Keep them locked up. I will attend to them later.”

/You mean like you ‘attended’ to Steve?/

“It had to be done.”

/I thought we were supposed to give everyone a fair trial?/

“He confessed to you and was guiltless about his actions when I confronted him.”

/What if he’d been lying?/

“I was informed by Ratchet that evidence pointed to him. He was not lying.”

That response alone had Arcee hesitating. /That was after the fact, though. Do you feel any guilt at all?/

“No,” Optimus state bluntly. “The other drones will remain detained until their trial. For now, I must attend to Starscream.”

Arcee tensed at the name alone, as it reminded her of her burden. Her mistake. She needed to say something, but…

“Did you hear me, Arcee?”

/Y-yeah. I’ll keep an optic on them./ Arcee was sure this was the end of their conversation, but despite that and her guilt on top of it, she had to bring up another point. /What about you, Optimus? Shouldn’t you be held responsible for killing Steve?/

Optimus would be lying if he said he wasn’t shocked that Arcee would say such a thing. It was positively ludicrous, but his eagerness to find Starscream’s side quickly won out. “If you and the other Autobots see fit to hold me trial for executing a criminal, then please, by all means. Until then, I have other matters to attend to.”

 _Click_.

Optimus leaned on the building as he disconnected, physically feeling the same. As soon as he was able, he would need to hold a trial for these three, accused drones for their participation in Starscream’s assault. He didn’t want to think about it, but he had to. What if they’re guilty? What punishment should they receive? Should they be executed like Steve had been? What if they’re not guilty?

These issues – though important – mattered far less right now. All that was important to Optimus at this given moment was Starscream.

The Prime returned inside, only to be turned away at Starscream’s closed door by Knock Out. Optimus immediately became worried. “What happened?”

“Starscream dissolved into a bit of a panic shortly after you left,” Knock Out explained. He stopped the Prime as he began to speak again. “Ratchet and Meld are with him; she’s quite good at therapy designed for seekers. Don’t worry, Lord Prime. We’re taking good care of him.” Despite his calm tone, Knock Out was feeling rather frazzled by Starscream’s behavior.

“If this happened after I left, should I not be with him?”

“I- Well… He started saying not-so-tasteful things about you,” Knock Out said, not fully looking at Optimus. “He needs time to calm down. My apologies.”

Optimus’ spark felt heavy again. Everything was falling apart in small sections at a time. He could not curb his worry, but again, he trusted the professionals with their work. He gave Knock Out a nod before he exited the hall and made his place in a far-corner chair of the waiting room, his helm resting in his servos.

 

. . .

  
Starscream was finally calm enough to drift into recharge.

Ratchet left Meld to watch over him for the time being so that Ratchet himself could check on someone else.

Ratchet slowly exited Starscream’s room and meant to leave the clinic entirely but found his would-be patient in the waiting room. With little surprise, he saw Optimus in a visitor’s chair, looking positively sullen and defeated. There were only two others in the room. Ratchet had so many questions as to what transpired between Optimus and Starscream, but he would save many of them for later. “Optimus,” he whispered.

Optimus looked up and nodded in his direction, then returned a nervous servo to his helm.

“You two spoke?”

“He wants a divorce,” Optimus stated plainly.

“That sounds excessive,” Ratchet said, attempting to keep his voice from faltering.

“It is what he wants.”

“Is it what you want?”

Optimus considered the question more heavily than he meant to. After finally speaking freely with Starscream about the dubious beginnings of their relationship, he found himself wondering if any of this was real at all. But he could not will himself to want departure from Starscream. “No.”

“Then fight for him, Optimus. If you do and he refutes, well, I am afraid there is little you can do at that point.”

“I do not know what he wants from me, Ratchet.”

“Ask him.”

More hesitation formed before him, and it happened far more often than he liked or was even used to. “I do not believe he would give me a clear answer even now.”

“You don’t believe him asking for a separation was legitimate?”

“I cannot say for sure. He is still very emotional, Ratchet. He is angry, and I do not doubt most of it is directed at me. Starscream sees this entirely as my fault.”

“Then perhaps give him some more time before speaking with him again. I would take it slow.”

Optimus nodded. He tried to weigh every option, to see everything objectively, and configure things into neat, little sections. Optimus needed to plan for every possibility, and one he did not want to admit was even there: that Starscream may actually want to leave him. “Do you know anyone who specializes in bondship counseling?”

“Not specializes, no, but Veritas is fairly well-rounded and would be your best if you and Starscream would like to see them together.” Ratchet saw minor change in Optimus’ expression, but still he received no other answer. “It is my professional opinion that you should see him, in any case. If you want to save your marriage, of course.”

“I do.”

“Then after Starscream wakes and I have a moment to speak with him, we will go from there. But if he refuses, I cannot force him into it as it is not for his immediate health.”

“I understand.” Optimus spoke the truth as he always did, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. He wanted Starscream to be with him until the very ends of time. Despite everything, he still loved Starscream. He dearly hoped that the seeker had felt the same.

“Then, I would like to return home and attempt to put your mind at ease.”

“No, thank you. I would prefer to stay.”

“Optimus, please…”

“I will be unable to rest while Starscream remains in misery. I will not disturb him; I merely wish to remain close by.”

Ratchet sighed. This was going to be a long process, indeed. “Very well. I have other patients to attend to, but if you should need anything, let one of us know.”

 

* * *

 

After long hours of coaxing and short hours of recharge, Starscream and Optimus finally found themselves in a room together with their professionals. The air felt entirely too heavy for any of them.

“It is my suggestion that you both require counseling for your personal issues, as well as your relationship,” Ratchet said.

“Do I not have enough on my plate already?” Starscream complained.

“If you want to save your marriage, Starscream, it’s for the best,” Knock Out commented.

“Please give it a chance, love,” Optimus pleaded.

“What choice do I have in the matter…” Starscream asked, though it came out as resignation to his predetermined fate.

“You have all the choice in the world. Should you choose not to take it though, you will still have your other therapy and rehabilitation regardless of your choice,” Ratchet said.

A brief silence suspended itself in the room like a looming omen as Starscream took the time to think about this possibly life-changing decision. He hated the sheer amount of pressure on him. His plating itched again.

Optimus rested a servo on the arm of Starscream’s chair as not to startle him too much, but to let him know he was there. “Starscream, no matter what you choose, I will be there for you if you desire it.”

Starscream observed the concerned optics of his mate to check for any signs of deception. Wasn’t that ironic? When it truly mattered to Starscream, Optimus always wore his spark on his armor like a badge of pride. The Prime wanted Starscream to know that he was there, that he could feel safe. And so much of Starscream still did, meaning there was still a part of him that wanted nothing to do with Optimus. Starscream stared at the broad servo as if he was waiting to sign his life away to it.

“The choice is yours, Starscream. You don’t have to choose the couple’s therapy now, if it helps,” Ratchet said.

Starscream truly didn’t know what to choose. He just wanted to be well, be happy. But he didn’t know what would give him that in the end. His tanks gave an uneasy churn and he hunched over in his seat.

“We’ll give you time, Starscream,” Knock Out said. “But your rehab for your addiction will start this afternoon.”

“Why? Why can’t you just leave me be?” Starscream asked no one in particular. “I never asked for this… I didn’t want this.” His words came softer the more he realized that help was being forced upon him.

“Perhaps not, but you are here now,” Ratchet commented. “We will be here every step of the way to ensure you recover.”

“What makes you think I want your help?” Starscream sneered.

“It doesn’t matter if you do. You have a clear and obvious problem that requires intervention.”

“But I don’t want it! Isn’t that unethical to force someone into rehabilitation?”

“Your mate has volunteered you for it.”

“Starscream, please understand that it is what is best for you. Even if you do not wish to stay with me, you require help, and this is the best way to achieve it,” Optimus insisted.

“Why- Why would you put me through this?! Just let me die already! I don’t want your help and I don’t need any of you!”

“Please calm down-“

“No! Leave me alone!” Starscream withdrew on himself despite the close quarters of the room as a whole and everyone in it. He needed to be as compact as possible. “Just leave me.”

Ratchet quickly made the executive decision to end the meeting. He whispered to Knock Out; “Keep talking to him. Calm him down. Remind him he doesn’t need to decide right now. Alright?”

“I will.”

“Good.” Ratchet then turned to Optimus, who looked utterly pained he could do nothing to help his mate. “Come with me, Optimus. Starscream needs a moment.” His friend reluctantly obeyed, and they exited the room together to speak alone.

As quickly as they were gone, Knock Out stepped up beside Starscream, rubbing a delicate servo between the seeker’s wings, attempting to calm him. He let his actions speak the volumes they needed to as Starscream slowly but surely stopped hyperventilating and dissolved into long, drawn out vents. “It’s alright. You’re safe here…”

Starscream had at long last calmed enough to form cohesive words again, his servos placed on his own shoulders to anchor himself further. He flicked his wings in a way he was sure the medic would understand: irritation.

Knock Out did back off, pulling away from Starscream and leaning back on the small desk behind him. He waited a moment for Starscream to talk. The seeker was still silent, save for the tapping of his heel. Rather than let Starscream get further wrapped up in his own (what was sure to be) negative thought process, Knock Out cut in. “We need to talk again.”

“Now what do you want from me?” Starscream growled.

“I wouldn’t say it’s what I want _from_ you, but more what I want _for_ you.”

Starscream scoffed. “Because that’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”

“Unfortunately for you, it doesn’t matter what you want to hear,” Knock Out started, crossing his arms. “You have an obvious drug problem that needs to be dealt with. Therapy for your mental health would also benefit you immensely.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Then why are you so resistant to it?”

“Because none of it was ever my choice to make.

“Optimus forced me to seek therapy for my… my nightmares the first time. And now, the lot of you are forcing it on me. After everything, you’re only now starting to care,” Starscream finished quietly, still staring at the floor.

“Of course we care, Starscream. It’s why we’re all here,” Knock Out said. He wondered which approach he should take in this situation. If anything made Starscream honest, it was forwardness. “Did Steve coerce you into taking pills from him?”

Starscream flinched as he heard the name, the need to curl in on himself growing more, his plating tingling with the familiarity. “N-no, he didn’t.”

“Then you actively chose to go to him for medication?”

Another tremor rippled over him. He knew where this was going. “Are you blaming me for all this?”

“If the answer is ‘yes’, then there is some responsibility you should assume, Starscream.”

“So you ARE saying it’s my fault!” Starscream accused. “You’re trying to get me to feel guilty so I’ll give in to your alleged ‘help’!”

“Oh would you stop with that? You keep making the stretch that everyone is out to get you when they’re not! You’re paranoid, I get it, but we’re not in a war anymore, Starscream. You can’t keep thinking that everyone is against you,” Knock Out reasoned.

“What am I supposed to think when the three of you are forcing me into this?!” Starscream argued. Even with the bite in his words, his frame stayed closed in, his wings angled down.

“Oh, I don’t know, that we’re actually trying to save your life by getting you help??” Knock Out watched as his words finally started to sink in. Starscream was quiet for a moment, almost completely still, but his optics searched the brushed metal flooring for a response. The medic gave him a moment to respond. When he received nothing, he knelt to meet the seeker’s optics and went on. “Starscream, please just try it. Even if verbal therapy doesn’t help, we can still give you medication after you’ve come off what that drone gave you. Does that at least sound acceptable?”

Starscream risked a glance or two at Knock Out before wandering elsewhere. It didn’t seem like such a bad prospect on the surface. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then we have other methods of dealing with what you’re fighting. We won’t stop trying, Starscream. Least of all, Optimus,” Knock Out offered with a smile. “Just remember if you want to put off the couple’s therapy for now, you can. We don’t want to overwhelm you.”

Starscream took in every word and even in his miserable haze, committed it to memory. He never remembered Knock Out being quit this professional, though. Who knew his bedside manner could be impeccable?

Knock Out gingerly placed a servo on Starscream’s knee to keep his focus. “Take some time to think about it, alright? Even if you need time away from Optimus to decide, we can help with that, too. Just do what you think is best for you in the end.”

Starscream finally saw fit to meet Knock Out’s softened look. He felt at ease and even calm.  “I plan on it.”

 

* * *

 

Starscream entered through the clinic doors against his own desire. So often did he want to fly freely through the skies and completely break free of every figurative chain than bound him. But when it spoke of his health, he knew what needed to happen, even if it ended up failing in the end. It seemed successful so far, even if Starscream still held tightly to his doubts.

The room had few others waiting on their own appointments; Meld was in her usual spot behind the desk.

Optimus was in one corner, reading one of his novels when Starscream walked in. He looked up and locked optics with Starscream for only a few, scant seconds before returning to his novel.

Starscream took an empty seat in the farthest, opposite corner of anyone and waited patiently for his name to be called. He didn’t know what the future would hold for him now, after everything that had happened, everything that he had put himself and Optimus through. But for the past several days, he knew his plating itched far less, the scars on his thighs had finally begun to heal, and he was a little less anxious than he had been in months. But there was still one more thing on his mind.

“Optimus and Starscream, we are ready for you,” Veritas announced at the door.

The two named mechs gave each other another brief glance before rising separately and walking toward the bright yellow mech. Starscream kept his arms folded and his wings pressed together and upright, as if he was afraid of something foreign touching him. Neither of them shared a word as they were led to a far-back room meant for personal counseling.

Optimus made his way beyond the threshold, past Veritas. Starscream had stopped. He rubbed on his arms in his anxiety. All of the doubt he had been holding on to suddenly came rushing back to remind him how everything could go wrong. He began to inch away from the door, and was grateful that Veritas didn’t urge him back.

Remembering all his former appointments, Starscream collected himself, ex-venting as much negativity as he could muster. He got this far. He could do this, too. Starscream wanted to believe that, even if he had little faith that anything could restore his failing bondship.

But he would try. He didn’t want to be alone anymore, and he was so tired of fighting alone. Starscream would take this chance like he did so many others in his lifetime. If his endeavors failed, then he would pay the price. If not, then he would gladly reap the rewards.

There was just no way of knowing how it would turn out.

But he had to take the chance as it was presented before him, like he did so often in the past. There was no reward without risk. And so, Starscream moved forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is the end of this work. Thank you all who left kudos and commented, it means the world to me. This was fun (and sometimes miserable) for me to write and I hope I can do something similar eventually.
> 
> If you care to follow other things I do, I'm also on Tumblr @BoltedBee.
> 
> Hope you all have a lovely day.
> 
> EDIT:  
> So I've noticed I likely lost people at this final chapter. I have theories why, but until someone says something, they remain theories. I will acknowledge Optimus seemed to be a problem. I was trying to portray him as a mortal being, complete with flaws and problems, trying to live domestically as well restore his once-dying planet. I either failed at that portrayal, or readers just couldn't fathom it. It's frustrating, but I have to live with it. Partially because of this, I want to rewrite this eventually, but on a much smaller scale in a different setting. Hopefully that pans out better.


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